No More Mama Cow

Week 4 & 5

2009-05-10T07:26:00.003-06:00

Week 4 was zero. Week 5 was a 1 pound gain.

I'm hitting that point where I lose the drive to do this. It seems there's something that always comes up to interfere with my goal - Mikey's surgeries, travel for work, sickness - you name it.

Okay, I admit it. I want to lose the weight, but I don't want to work for it or change my eating habits. Pretty bad, huh? But, I'm not willing to do the next miracle cure or give up either.

It's just that, from time to time, I get in this place where I'm really pissed that I have to work so hard to get every pound off. I get tired of hating the way I look and feel, and long for the day where I don't feel that way anymore. I know that this isn't going to happen overnight. The first 60 pounds took a year to come off. I think it's just that I'm so angry than 30 pounds of that came back. Yes, it was due to preganancy. Yes, it was only 30 pounds this time as I gained 60 with the first kid. Yes, it's only been a couple of years that I've carried the 30 - it was 10 for the oldest.

I know all of this, but it still drives me crazy that I'm having to re-conquer previously won territory.

Now it sounds like I'm whinning.

Maybe I got it out of my system.

Week #3 Results - A Half Pound More

2009-04-28T06:38:00.002-06:00

Lost a half pound this week. Not the stellar results I would have liked, but between a week of travel and being sick as a dog (still) I'm pretty happy. I'm home this week so the goal is to try and stay on track as much as possible. It's hard to get a habit set when you travel so much.

Even thought is "only" a half pound, it's still a loss. When I look back at my first NS journey, I averaged a pound a week. Some weeks were awesome, a lot were just a half pound, and still more were zero. I'll take a half pound over a zero. ;)

Week #2 Results

2009-04-21T15:46:00.003-06:00

No loss. No gain.

A couple of noteworthy things this week:

NS food arrived about mid-way through the week. Still trying to adjust.
I'm traveling.
All 4 of us got sick this week and I've been on meds that have made my stomach VERY upset. So, eating healthy was not top priority.
Had to shorten week by 1 days. I realized that with my travel schedule, I'd never be home on weigh-in day.

So, all of that factored into the equation, I'm cool with zero. Now, if I can just get past the sinus infection and stomach virus, maybe I'll have a chance.

Week #1 Results - 3 pounds down!

2009-04-14T08:14:00.002-06:00

WOO HOO! A three pound loss this week! And, I did it without the food (still hasn't arrived - grrr). I'm shooting for another three this week, so we'll see how that goes.

This week I focused on re-familiarizing myself with the NS plan, stocking up on healthy choices, and just getting my body ready for exercise again. I did manage to get in a 2-mile walk this week, and I plan to get in more exercise this week.

I'm ready to be done with this once and for all. I'm off to a great start!

Starting Again

2009-04-07T07:43:00.003-06:00

Okay, I've given it a lot of thought since my last post and have decided it is time to begin again. This time will be different because I know I can do it - I've done it before. I think it's taken me this long to let go of the fact that I gained weight back. You know what? It happened, and it is what it is.

I know that when I was at 179.5 I felt better - sexier - more confident. I felt this even though I wasn't at my goal weight. They way I'm looking at it now is that I can only improve from where I am now - 210.

You know, it's hard to see that 210 again, but I'm trying to remember I saw 250 at one point in my life. So, while it's hard to know that I gained over 30 pounds back, I do take comfort that I still kept 40 pounds off.

So, I begin anew. I've ordered NS food off of ebay - about 6 weeks worth. I'll be honest - I'm not looking forward to the food again, but it darn well worked for me before, so I know it will work again. My plan is to eat the food for 6 weeks and then go back to NS on my own. I'm also going to track WW points while I'm on NS. Who knows - maybe the reason I've been struggling with WW is because my points are too high? Anyway, I know that WW is the plan for the long haul, but I've got to get a good kick start.

My food hasn't arrived yet, so this week will be about NS without the food. Wish me luck.

Another Year Bites the Dust

2009-03-26T18:27:00.003-06:00

Wow, it has been over a year since my last post. Where did the time go? Oh yeah, work, baby, work, travel, work, new business, work . . .

I do find it interesting that this seems to be the time of year I start to think about weight loss again. I start looking around at all the plans - Weight Watchers, Jenny, Nutrisystem - trying to decide if I should take the plunge again. When I did NS the first time I started in March. Very interesting.

The good news is that, in this year, I've managed to maintain my weight. So, it's nice to know that I can maintain once I finally reach goal. But, on the down side, there's another year gone where I didn't take the opportunity to finally get to where I want to be.

So, here I sit today, trying to decide if I'm ready. I've had many false starts this year, and I don't want another one. This time I want to finish, and, if I can't get there, I don't want to start yet.

Week ?

2008-03-22T11:09:00.003-06:00

I'm not even sure what week it is, and I guess it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that I'm still moving forward, despite everything that is going on around me. When I weighed in this morning I was pleased to see 204.5. While I'm very anxious to get back under 200 again, it was a thrill to see a number lower than 205 on the scale.

I'm especially proud of this because I've been stress eating this week. With Mikey's surgery (see Michael's Site for more info), it's been hard to keep control. Fortunately surgery #1 is now behind us and we can focus on getting well.

I'll keep it brief today as I am exhausted from the last few day's events. That, and there's a baby that wants his mama . . . I have to go find her - LOL!

Week 5 & 6

2008-03-09T07:44:00.002-06:00

I didn't post anything last weekend about week 5 because I just didn't feel well. Fortunately, I've managed to dodge the flu bug that is going around, so that wasn't the source of my illness. Rather, I had some serious dental work done that kept me feeling pretty crappy for a good week. That, combined with the fact that I only wanted to eat soft foods, led to a gain for the week. No biggie, though, because I took it right back off this week.

Overall I'm only one pound down since beginning this journey, which makes me question my commitment. Obviously, something is keeping me from focusing on my goals. So, I had to do something.

I decided I needed to get back on pre-packaged meals. I hate to do it. It is so darn expensive and I really don't want to spend the money. But, I know that I am eating emotionally and not dealing with the issues that I need to face. Ultimately I decided to enroll in Jenny Craig.

I picked JC because I have heard it is very similar to the NS plan - which it is. However, the food is so much better. I would describe the difference as eating a TV dinner versus a real, cooked meal. Besides, after a year on the NS plan there was no way I could put any of that food in my mouth again. Yeah, it's decent, but it's kind of like Raman noodles for me. I ate those so much in college that the mere smell makes my stomach turn.

Today markes day 4 for me. I was 100% perfect on days 1 and 2. Yesterday I had a dinner with the family at a Mexican food restaurant. I was good for every meal the rest of the day and made the best choice possible for dinner, but I knew that meal would set me back. After eating Mexican food I tend to put on 2-3 pounds right away from the excess salt. But, I know I can get that right back off if I keep it 100% today.

Week #4: Back on Track

2008-02-24T10:19:00.003-06:00

I'm happy to report a 3.5 pound loss this week. Yeah, that puts me back to where I was at the end of week 1, but if you take the gain, you get to take the loss again, right? I'm also thrilled about losing 3 inches!

I finally figured out what my trigger was. You see, I knew I was eating crap and not exercising. The thing was I couldn't figure out why. I was no longer "waking up" to find myself with a cookie in my mouth. Instead, I was having the discussion with the cookie and eating it anyway (see prior post).

So, I knew something was making me do the wrong thing, even though I knew the right thing to do.

I was hanging out with the Shrinkers and one of them said something about not feeling like she deserves to be thin. Those words struck a serious chord for me.

I realized that I am carrying a lot of guilt for Michael's condition and for not being all gung-ho and thrilled during my pregnancy. While I don't blame myself for Michael's condition at a logical level, I guess I feel like I'm getting punished for not wanting the pregnancy in the first place, and for not embracing the new life as the pregnancy progressed.

I realize now that my not bonding during pregnancy was probably God's way of protecting me from the devestation that would surely have occurred when I found out Victoria was actually Michael. Yeah, I was a bit disappointed, but I wasn't devestated - KWIM?

I was never able to picture myself with a little girl the entire time I was pregnant. This was SO different from the experience I had with Jacob. Ultimately I had convinced myself that I was not going to survive delivery, and had made preparations as such. I think the outcome that I got was MUCH better.

But, back to my original point . . .

I think that I was punishing myself for not being the "perfect mom" during pregnancy and for those feelings of "I really don't want to do this." Bottom line is this . . . Michael is awesome and he is an absolute blessing to our family. Yeah, he gets cranky and he's a little PITA when it comes time to go to bed, but the transformation he has made in my life, my husband's life and Jacob's life is truly remarkable.

So, I have to forgive myself for the past and move on, (something I have a hard time doing anyway). I struggled with that this week, but ultimately made some progress. I only ate half the cookie . . .

Week #3: No Words

2008-02-18T07:46:00.002-06:00

I'm at 210.

I am pissed at myself. Really, really pissed.

No excuses.

I am just not doing what I need to do to get where I want to go.

An interesting discussion . . .

2008-02-14T08:32:00.001-06:00

Before I lost 50+ pounds a year ago I would find myself eating without realizing it - almost as if I "woke up" with that cookie in my mouth.

Now I stare at the cookie and have a discussion.

"I shouldn't eat you."

"Yes, you are right. You should NOT eat me."

"But you look so good."

"I'm not really good. I taste bad. Go away."

"You lie. I KNOW you taste good. And I want something sweet."

"You will hate yourself later. Go walk on the treadmill. Have a glass of water. Get your fat butt up to the gym. Do something, ANYTHING but eat me."

"I want you, though."

"Throw me in the trash."

"But that would be wasteful."

"Undoing all your work this week would be wasteful. Go away."

Even though the cookie is making a lot of sense, I eventually eat it anyway.

So, it's good that I'm making conscious and informed decisions about my food, but what is in me that still makes me eat the bad anyway? I feel bad for the person I was a few years ago that was uninformed. But, now that I am informed, I'm mad as hell at myself for STILL making the bad choices. It's kind of like knowing the oven is hot but still sticking your head in anyway.

Gotta run. The potato chips are are whispering . . .

Week #2: aka I Dunno

2008-02-14T08:17:00.002-06:00

Well, I have nothing to report for week two.

Last week ended up being a whirl of craziness with tons of travel, long days and late nights, and several work-related functions.

(If you read between the lines, that means I didn't exercise and I didn't stick to my nutrition plan).

Knowing that weighing myself would only send me into a fit of rage which would ultimately lead to more eating, I decided to skip weigh-in last week. This week I've been more focused on the nutrition plan. Still not perfect, but MUCH better than last week. No exercise this week - yet. I plan to do SOMETHING today.

So, I'll weigh in for Week #3.

Week #1: Yeah, yeah, another Week #1

2008-02-03T21:37:00.001-06:00

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know this is at least my 3rd "Week #1."

Well, get over it. I finally have! LOL!

This week showed a 0.5 pound loss. Kind of lame for week #1. But, considering that the scale was going up and up and up and up, I'm glad to have reversed the trend. Plus, training and nutrition were not 100% on point this week.

Good Things for the Week
-Worked out 3 times
-Started weight lifting (yeah, I'm gonna be BUFF!)
-Swam laps 1 time
-Stayed on nutrition plan 75% of time

Bad Things for the Week
-Avoided the bike
-Did not run
-Strayed from nutrition plan 25% of time (and when I strayed, I strayed BIG!)
-Had a margarita

So, when you take the good and add in the bad, I'm pretty darn happy with a loss.

I need to get back to working out 6 days a week, but I know that won't happen this week. I have a lot going on at work and have some work-related functions I have to attend afterhours, so I'll be doing good to make it 3 times. But, I WILL make it at least 3 times this week.

A New Beginning

2008-01-26T12:45:00.001-06:00

And it begins again.

I had to let go.

Let go of the fact that I had put on 30 pounds when having a baby.

Let go of the fact that my fitness level isn't where it was before I got pregnant.

Let go of the fact that my timeline for my fitness goals had to be adjusted.

Let go of my anger that I had to regain some territory that had previously been conquered.

I started my weekly weight loss tracker over. My new starting weight is 207. The counting begins today.

I changed my blog template.

The past is in the past. Today is what matters.

Struggling

2007-12-09T20:07:00.000-06:00

12/09/2007

I'm struggling. Big time.

For a while (or at least up until a week ago) I was doing great on the exercise but lousy on the diet. Now, I've completely slacked off on the exercise (minus the 5K I walked on Saturday, which I only did because I did it with a good friend). In addition, I've gone crazy with the food. I didn't think my food habits could get any worse, but they have.

It's bad.

I know that I am emotional eating.

I know it. But I can't stop it.

In fact, it seems to be creating a vicious cycle.

The number on the scale is going up. I haven't officially weighed in during the last two weeks because I didn't want to post a gain. When I checked this morning I was at 206.

There. I said it.

Two-oh-freaking-six.

Crap.

I have got to get control, but I'm having a hard time doing so. I am feeling so anxious about everything right now - money, the holidays, my birthday, Michael's upcoming surgery, Jacob's behavior at school, Vince not having a job, my job, my having to "delay" my goals to have another baby . . .

I know that running will help with the stress. I know that a proper diet will help with the running.

But . . . I . . . don't . . . want . . . to . . . work . . . so . . . hard . . . right . . . now.

What the heck is wrong with me?

It was one thing to do this to myself when I didn't know better. But I do know better now. And that makes me even more anxious.

Someone save me from myself.

Week #4: Hmmmmm

2007-11-26T08:10:00.000-06:00

10/26/2007

No loss. No gain. That goes for weight and inches. Considering it was T'giving and I did not put myself on restriction, I guess I'm happy with those results.

I am struggling with eating right. It seems like I'll do really well for breakfast and lunch, but then I do something stupid around 3:00. That fruit and dairy just doesn't cut it . . . I want CHOCOLATE! It seems this little chocolate habit I developed while preggers is very hard to break.

I spent some time evaluating why I'm doing this, paying particular attention to my emotional triggers.

Am I sad? No.
Am I happy? Well, yeah, but no more than usual. (It's that giddy stuff that triggers eating.)
Am I mad? No.
Am I depressed? No.
Am I stressed? No.

Well, okay maybe a little stressed.

On one hand I feel less stress than I've felt in years. Vince is home with the baby so the day-to-day routine is much less hectic. But, I think that "normal" stress has been replaced by bigger stress.

-Vince isn't working now so I have to keep an eye on finances. It stinks. I know it's doable, but I hate obsessing about money. Although, maybe that's better than obsessing about food.

-Michael has a surgery coming up and I'm dreading it. I know he needs it, but it's still scary. And, it's just the first one in a series. I'm trying to adopt the "sooner begun, sooner done" outlook, but I hate the fact that my tiny little guy will go under the knife.

-I don't have my outlets like I use to. I just started to run again, but it's not at the level I would like it to be. I know it will take some time to build back up to where I was, but still, I miss that release.

-I'm not biking or swimming yet. I miss those activities a lot. I'm tempted to set my bike back up in my living room, but good grief, I'm not sure where I'd put it. (I lost my office and sewing room when Michael came along, so that's now in the living room where I use to have my treadmill and bike.) Also, swimming requires I leave the house and, unless I can do that in the middle of the day (can you say WORK?) that isn't going to work for the family schedule.

So, yeah, maybe I do have some stress. I've lost my "good" coping mechanisms and have truned to the "bad" ones. That's why the food is out of control.

That will be $500, doc.

Week #3: I'm Going the Wrong Way!

2007-11-18T15:04:00.000-06:00

11/19/2007

WTH? I'm going the wrong way!

Up a pound.

Gained 1.50 inches back.

What gives?

I was extremely good on the exercise. Walked three times this week - 2.8 miles, 3.1 miles and 3.3 miles.

I was better on the diet. Yeah, still not where I need to be, but better. Maybe not good enough to lose, but to GAIN?????

sigh

I guess I'll repeat Step One again! I refuse to give up, but I'd like to see progress.

Week #2: Repeat

2007-11-13T07:45:00.001-06:00

11/13/2007

Okay, so week one was not stellar scale-wise. When I look back, I realize I did not set myself up to be successful. I pretty much forgot the NS plan and didn't bother to look it up again until mid-week. Sure enough, I "mis-remembered" a few points. Also, I didn't prepare my pantry. Instead of stocking the house with the good stuff, I still had the bad stuff. So, when hunger struck and it was time to eat some chopped-up veggies, I was left with potato chips. I did try my best, but there were a few stressors this week as well (ex: Vince losing his job and a birthday party). All-in-all I'm actually happy that I did not gain.

Also, even though I only walked one day, I did manage to shed 1.75 inches. So, hey, rather than beating myself up, I'll just go back to step one and start again.

Now, I just need to get my fitness routine figured out again. I'm having a VERY hard time forcing myself to take it easy. I'm mentally ready to do my swim, bike and run routine, but everything I've read is telling me I need to take it VERY easy. Common sense is telling me that I need to be walking 5 miles three times a week before I start jogging again and that I really should not try biking until at least January. I do NOT want to injure myself and everything I've read says my ligaments will still be loose for at least another three months.

UGH!

For those of you that know me, you know how much this is driving me crazy. I am such a planner and have a hard time letting go of my plans. When I look at what my triathlon-related goals were for 2007 and 2008 and see where I am now, I get frustrated. My natural reaction is to double-up and make up lost ground, but that would just lead to injury, which would set me back further. I'm trying to tell myself that everything has just shifted by one year, but it's hard to let go of wanting to do my first ironman by age 40. So what if I do it at 41. The point is that I plan to do it. I just need that nagging little voice to SHUT UP! :)

Week #1: Step One

2007-11-04T09:20:00.001-06:00

11/04/2007

Today is the day. We're back at it.

It sucked to see 201.5 on the scale. It sucked to see that I need to lose 22 pounds to get back to where I was. It sucks to know that, in a few moments I'll be going for a walk when I really want to go for a run.

But . . .

At least I'm starting on the journey again.

I know it will probably take 11 weeks to lose those 22 pounds again, assuming I lose two pounds per week. I know it will probably take at least 4-6 weeks before I'll be ready to attempt to jog again.

But . . .

I will lose those 22 pounds again. And I will run again.

It's hard to not be discouraged. But, it's harder to get up off the couch and do something about it.

I choose to do something about it.

Time to Get Cracking

2007-10-29T10:14:00.000-06:00

10/29/2007

Yep, it's been a while.

The baby is here - my little girl turned out to be a boy! Michael is five weeks old and is a full-time job! I have a separate site for Michael - you can check it out at http://www.thelittlewarrior.com/.

It's time for me to get back into exercise, diet and blogging. I've missed it. Especially the exercise. I will admit that I have NOT missed the diet - LOL - but that's a big part of the overall strategy to be healthy, right?

My first official weigh-in will be on Sunday, so I'll start posting my weight and measurements then. I have a general idea of where I am and it's depressing. I hate that I'm going to have to regain some previously conquered ground, but what can you do. I was preggo after all, and I did have a c-section, so it will take a while to get the stomach back to where it was. Heck, it will take a while to be able to run again. (My two-mile walk a week ago put me back to bed for a day due to pain).

I'm m0stly upset about how much ground I've lost in regards to running. I hadn't gotten very far with the biking and I doubt I've lost much swimming-wise, but man, I was really getting good at running. My hope is that it won't take me a year to run a 5K again. There's a race scheduled for 12/1, but I know that's just not possible. Maybe I'll shoot for the one mile fun run and start training for the 2008 season.

Sigh . . . it feels like I'm starting over again. But I know that's not true. I just need to get my head back in the game.

Wow! Where Did That Month Go?

2007-04-10T18:38:00.000-06:00

04/10/2007

I can't believe over a month has passed since I last posted. Especially with all the stuff I've had on my mind lately! LOL!

Let's see, a quick update on the last few weeks. . . . maybe this will explain my absence . . .

1. Went for a bike ride a few weeks back. Fell off. Twice. Hurt my left leg. Walked funny for a few days. Vince took bike away.

2. Decided to work in the yard a week or so later. Mostly stayed in the flower beds, but pushed it too much. Hurt right leg. Walked funnier.

3. Decided swimming would be safer (& would work out some soreness). With the extra weight I've gained (9 pounds so far) and it all being in my stomach, my balance was thrown off. Felt like I was going to drown! Vince took swimming away.

4. Woke up on Friday morning with bleeding. Rushed to the doctor's to ensure it wasn't a miscarriage. It wasn't. I had a polyp that had to be removed (benign, thankfully) but that put me on the couch for a few days.

5. Went for a nice, easy walk (knew I couldn't jog). Twisted my ankle. That cleared up in a day or so. Vince took walking ALONE away. (I think he's planning to follow me in the car.)

6. Decided to work in the yard again. The gutters needed a good cleaning. Fell off the ladder. (Vince doesn't know I fell off the ladder - shhhhh!).

7. Being a glutton for punishment, I decided to work in the yard again the next day. Found a lovely patch of poison oak, to which I am allergic. Broke out on arms, legs, stomach, back, face and chest. Jake got it all over his face and upper body. This took us out of the game for about two weeks. I still have spots everywhere and some itching, but it is getting better.

So, as you can see, I'm a clutz naturally, and adding the pregnancy factor has made me more of a clutz. Vince has threatened to cover me in bubble wrap and tape me to the couch. Maybe that's a good idea. . .

But, I'm going a bit stir crazy. A year ago you couldn't pay me to get off the couch. Now I hate sitting on the couch. I want to be outside training! (So see, you CAN get to the point where you like exercise. I'm proof!)

On the eating front, I haven't been so good. As much as I want to maintain my healthy diet while pregnant, my cravings are out of control. Also, I feel like I'm starving all the time. Ugh. The good thing is that I KNOW I will lose the weight again. I would just prefer to minimize the weight that I HAVE to lose again.

On the baby front, I'm getting there. Yeah, I still have freak-out moments, but I am starting to get excited. It helps that I have a sonogram about every four weeks. Something about seeing that little guy/gal move around just tugs at my heart. My next sonogram is scheduled for 4/16. At that point, I should know if we are having a boy or a girl. So, stay tuned!

How's everyone else doing? Since I'm confined to the indoors now, I'll try and post more often.

With friendship,

Care'

Been Gone for a While . .. Here's Why

2007-03-08T20:30:00.000-06:00

Background - I found out about four weeks ago that my husband and I are expecting our second child. We're thrilled, but it has taken me a while to adjust to the idea. I posted this on the NS Shrinker's Blog. Because it was such an honest post (the most honest I've been with myself lately) I thought I should share it here.

-----------------------------

The last few weeks for me have been terrible on the eating front. I'm talking McDonald's, Taco Bell, you name it . . . all those places I said good bye to over a year ago.

Now, I know I'm pregnant and am eating for two. But, did you know you really only need an extra 300 calories per day when you're pregnant? Not exactly the extra 3000 I seem to be craving . . .

So, why am I eating this way? Why am I tossing out all the good habits I've learned?

Well, after responding to Crystal's post about there being some emotional issue that's not being addressed, I realized that's what's going on here. The truth is this pregnancy really threw me for a loop. I mean, Vince and I were DONE . . . know what I mean? Our son will be nine this month - not exactly grown, but old enough that he's getting independent and parenting is getting somewhat easier. Also, I've lost all this weight and it breaks my heart that I'm going to have to tackle it again. And, I had to give up my race season. I had even applied for corporate sponsorship but had to withdraw. So, my dreams of competing in my first triathlon have been delayed a year.

I know I sound selfish. And you know what. It IS selfish. On one hand I'm thrilled that we'll have a new baby to bless our lives. I look forward to meeting him/her and watching him/her grow up. After all, my first one has been a blast. On the other hand I'm a little pissed. I'm pissed because, for the first time in my life, what I did was about me. Now I'm having to put myself on hold again. It's like I was given freedom from all those emotional issues that were dragging me down and given a taste of the fresh air and the blue sky. But now the warden is back to lock me up again. "Oh, no. You're not free yet."

So, what have I been doing? I've been eating. Instead of admiting my feelings I've been stuffing my face. Instead of embracing the challenges as new opportunities, I've been drowning my sorrows with cheeseburgers.

I miss feeling energetic and healthy. Just three weeks of poor eating has left me lethargic and grumpy.

Damn it. That's it. No more. I deserve better. My unborn child deserves better.

I haven't lost myself. I've just had a change of plans. A GOOD change. One that will bring me tons of joy and another reason to be healthy.

-----------------------

With friendship,

Care'

Week #55: BLAH!

2007-02-04T09:14:00.000-06:00

02/04/2007

The last week has been crazy. Between traveling and Jacob being sick (and out of school for the entire week), I feel like I got nothing accomplished. I ate terribly and did about half of my planned training, so it's no surprise that the scale didn't move. Hopefully this week will be back to normal for me.

Off to task number 407 for the weekend - a birthday party!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #54: I'm in the 170s Now, Baby!

2007-01-27T08:13:00.000-06:00

01/27/2007

YEEEEE HAAAAAAW!

I'm in the 170s! Yeah, it's 179.5, but it still counts!

I reviewed my history the other day and it appears that I spent 21 weeks in the 190s and 14 weeks in the 180s. I'd like to only linger in the 170s for 7 weeks. I think it's doable. I'll just have to focus a bit more.

I was counting calories the past month or so and decided to give that up. It was making me obsess about food again and causing stress. I know that obsessing about food is NOT a good idea for me. So, it's back to the bascis. Bottom line is, I know what to eat when & how much, so I just need to roll with it. I also know that with the training I'm doing that my body wants more calories. I'm trying to get in tune with my body during my endurance training, so it only makes sense to do the same thing with food.

Hmmm . . what a concept . . listen to your body for hunger rather than your emotions . . .

Last night I mentioned to Vince that, while the weight is coming off slowly because I'm not both 100% on exercise and 100% on food at the same time, (I tend to do one or the other), it IS coming off. And, the most important thing is that I don't feel deprived. Yeah, sure. I would like the weight to come off faster. But, I know if I adopt that "all or nothing" mentality again, I'm doomed.

The other thing I realized is that I'm actually enjoying training, and I think I figured out why. I no longer "exercise". I "train". What's the difference? With exercise the goal is to just burn calories. With training, the goal is to get fitter, stronger, faster and to reach a goal. So, my tip for the day is this . . . if you are having trouble exercising, try training. LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #53: Just . . . One . .. More . . . Pound . . .

2007-01-21T09:49:00.000-06:00

01/21/2007

I weighed in at 180.5 today - a new all time low. Just one more pound and I'm in the 170s.

You know, it seems like it's getting harder and harder to drop the weight. I don't know if that's because I've lost so much that my body is now fighting me. Or, it could be all the training I'm doing where the muscle I'm building is hiding the weight loss. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm trying to just stay focused. I know I still have weight to lose - I can look at my stomach and see exactly where it is going to come from. I do know that my stomach is my stubborn area too. Even when I was at my lowest weight I still had a small pooch of a belly.

Who knows . . . maybe it's a factor of all three.

It just seems like I've been working toward the 170s for so long. But, I do remember it seemed like I'd never get to the 180s or even below 200, but I did.

Just stay the course . . . just stay the course.

You know, weight loss is an endurance sport.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #52: One Year Gone

2007-01-14T12:01:00.000-06:00

01/14/2007

Today is my one year anniversary on NutriSystem. To date, I have lost 50 pounds with NS for a total of 56.5 pounds. I still have 46.5 pounds to go in order to reach my ultimate goal, but I am firmly beyond the half-way point.

It feels great.

Some things I've learned in the last year include:

1. I am an emotional eater, and I will always be an emotional eater. I've managed to conquer eating when I'm happy, sad or angry, but I still struggle with stress and boredom. My plan is to conquer these this year.

2. The small steps really do count. In the past I had always focused on the big picutre - exercise for 30 minutes, lose 100 pounds, etc. I've learned that small, measureable goals work for me. I still keep my mini-goals of 5 pounds. I still tell myself to "just get on the treadmill or bike for 10 minutes." Now those 10 minutes turn into an hour.

3. A support system is the best thing you can have. Whether it's online support, family support, etc., it is a critical element to success. It helps knowing someone is on your side and is looking out for you. It also helps to have someone to talk to in those moments of weakness. Having been such an independent person all my life, this was a tough one to accept. But, I've found that this lesson has spilled over to other areas of my life in a very positive way. I no longer think that I'm the only one that can correctly complete a task. This has gone a long way toward making work more enjoyable and reducing my stress level.

4. There are more ways to measure progress than just a number on the scale. Sure, at first this was the ONLY measure. Now I use actual measurements, how my clothes feel, what my energy level is and how much stronger I am. I've learned that the scale can only report weight. It cannot differentiante between fat versus muscle. It cannot tell you that that extra pound today was because of a little extra sodium yesterday. Which leads me to my next point. . .

5. Tracking everything you eat is critical. I've found that when I stop writing everything down, I tend to wander off plan. That wandering ultimately leads to disappointment. So, I write everything down - good and bad. Sometimes I write down what I'm planning to eat to see if I really want to eat it. This has stopped me in my tracks several times.

6. 100% is perfect, but you don't have to be perfect every day. With my perfectionist personality, this also was a tough lesson to learn. 100% perfect on exercise and eating leaves no room for error or for life. Let's face it . . . There will be birthday parties. There will be special dinners. There will be drinks with the friends. There will be times when you get the flu making exercise impossible. The trick is to not beat yourself up with life gets in the way of your perfect plans. Some people can do this. I found it very difficult. So, instead I strive for 90%. This leaves me plenty of room to deal with life and still feel positive about my nutrition and exercise plan. (This has also spilled over into other areas of my life, making me and my team more productive at work.)

7. This is not a diet. This is a lifestyle. And, fortunately, it is a very "do-able" lifestyle.

8. I still haven't learned everything. For the first time in years I've found that my mind is open to new possibilities. After all, if somthing that would never work has, then what else have I dismissed as impossible? It's almost being like a kid again. I'm trying new things and enjoying the heck out of it.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #51: Oh So Close . . .

2007-01-07T10:02:00.000-06:00

01/07/2007

I am so close to leaving the 180s behind me FOREVER. I was hoping to meet that goal prior to the new year or even this week, but sometimes it just doesn't work the way you want. I'm sure I'll nail it this week.

I've been lax in keeping up with everyone's blogs because, quite frankly, it was all I could do to keep myself motivated. As I've started to read them again, it seems like I was not the only one that faced challenges during the holidays. Also, it seems like a lot of us are happy for the fresh start and excitement that the new year brings.

I remember where I was this time last year. I was looking at all those NS commercials wondering if it would work for me. I was looking at my budget to see if I could afford to do the plan, and weighing that against the cost of NOT doing the plan. I was searching the Internet to find reviews. I was trying to decide if I would tell Vince what I was thinking. After all, I had failed a LOT of plans in the past.

By this point I had lost 6.5 pounds from my all time high of 238. (At least, 238 was the last time I'd checked a scale, so who knows.) I lost 6.5 pounds from November of 2005 until the first of January 2006. It was coming off, but it was a constant battle. I needed something different - something radical - from what I had tried in the past.

I remember thinking that all diets are just going to fail and perhaps I should just do the surgery. I spent a few days researching the surgery and found out that I was actually too small to qualify based on my BMI. I seriously considered gaining another 15 pounds so that I could qualify.

Surgery is a big step, and one that I wasn't ready to take. So, instead I decided that I would do ONE MORE diet plan and, if that failed, I would go under the knife.

Over the next few days I worked and re-worked our budget to see what we could do. I finally told Vince what I was thinking. I'm not sure why I had hesitated to tell him. He said, "If you think it will work for you, and you want to do it, then you should try."

Try.

For the first time in my life I decided to approach a diet with a "try" attitude instead of a "do" attitude. Now, I know what you're thinking . . . "That doesn't make sense," and for most people, you would be right. But, I think the big reason diets had failed me in the past was because I had an "all or nothing" approach. If I was 100% perfect, then I was happy. If I slipped and went off the track by eating off plan or missing a workout, I was furious. My fury generally resulted in my giving up and eating anything that wasn't nailed down. So, "try" was a good approach. After all, I was convinced it wouldn't work for me anyway.

I placed my order and then went into that 3-5 day period that occurs between THE ORDER and THE ARRIVAL. I was both excited and terrified and immediately second-guessed my decision. Of course, all that anxiety led to eating. How I managed to maintain the 231 I had gotten to is beyond me.

My food arrived on January 13th, and I started the plan on January 14th.

Next Sunday is January 14th - one full year since I began.

Next week I'll reflect back on my one year anniversary with NutriSystem . . . so stay tuned.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #50: Happy New Year

2007-01-01T10:17:00.000-06:00

01/01/2007

Wow. Another year has come and gone.

I love this time of year. All the holidays are over and the tempting food is gone. And, it's the first day of a "do-over" or a "do-better."

In the past I've avoided making resolutions . . . especially if they had anything to do with my weight. But this year is different. While last year I focused on getting started on the weight loss journey, this year I resolve to finish it. I also resolve to mark some of those "to dos" off my list. So, here's my 2007 list:

-Lose the rest of the weight - 48 pounds
-Compete in a sprint triathlon
-Compete in at least two 5Ks
-Complete in at least one 10K
-Improve my swimming technique
-Build cycling distance
-Finish working on the house

Okay, that should keep me busy.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #49: Week 49 and 49 Pounds Gone with NS!

2006-12-24T10:27:00.000-06:00

12/24/2006

How bizarre is that? I've completed 49 weeks on the NS plan and have lost 49 pounds. Part of me is impressed - that's 1 pound a week! Part of me is pissed . . . if I had stuck to the plan 100% and had lost around 2 pounds a week, I'd be done.

Oh well. I can't go back and change what I did in the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future, right? Besides, there's been a lot of other crap to deal with besides just the weight.

The really cool thing is that I hit 182.5 this morning. I've finally broken the 185.5 mark! I am determined to get to the 170s before the end of the year, and I am oh-so-close!

Let's see . . . If I have 47.5 pounds to go and I stick with the food & exercise plan 100% . . . and if I average a 1.5 pounds loss per week . . . that would have me finished by the thrid week of July. If I go aggressive and do 2 pounds per week, then I'll be done by the second week of June. If I keep my current pace of 1 pound per week, then I'll be done by Thanksgiving next year.

Hmmmm. . .

Okay, I've decided. June it is. LOL!

Now, back to some more serious stuff . . .

This week was my first full week on my triathlon training program. I did really well. I managed to get back in the water for the first time in about 20 years. Yeah, that first day was a little freaky, but I survived. When I went back on Friday I was much more comfortable and didn't end up sore at all. I've even signed up for a swimming class to make sure my techique and form are correct.

The other day Vince came home to find me with my goggles on and my head in a pot full of water working on my breathing. Of course, I was so focused on what I was doing, I didn't realize he was standing there. I'm not sure how long he watched me, but I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm certifiable now. Oh well, just wait until he sees what I have planned for today . .

I am getting more comfortable on the bike. Of course, I use the term comfortable very loosly. The legs feel good and I'm working to not put my weight on my wrists (my carpel tunnel syndrome won't stand for that!), but the seat is, um, well, it just freaking hurts. After riding for about five minutes I have no feeling in my nether-regions. (And, yes, I'm wearing cycle shorts!) I know this will resolve itslf in time with plenty of practice.

I'm also working to increase my running to a 12 minute mile. I know, I know . . . that's still pretty slow. But, I remember when I worked down to a 20 minute mile, then a 17, then a 15. So, for now I have 12 in my sights and will soon be aiming for 10.

That's how this whole thing works, isn't it? Just one more minute, one more mile, one more lap, one more pound, one more day.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #48: Heads Back in the Game Again . . .

2006-12-17T11:18:00.000-06:00

12/18/2006

You know, after about six weeks of not being serious, I finally have my head back in the game. I finally realized that I was feeling pretty down about the holidays, which had me turning to food for comfort. At one point I realized I wasn't eating blindly like in the past, but that I was eating the crap on purpose. WTH? It was like I was DECIDING that I was going to eat poorly, and actually went to the store to buy the stuff. Geesh!

Yesterday I was really evaluating the situation and trying to determine why I was doing this to myself. My husband asked if I was sad about the holidays. "Of course not," I said. "It's freaking Christmas! Everyone is happy!"

As those words tumbled out of my mouth I realized how angry they were, and the light bulb clicked on.

Yep, I was feeling down about the time of year. Why? Because I don't have a freaking family, that's why.

Since my MaMa died I pretty much don't have anything to do with my Dad or his side of the family. (This is my step-dad who raised me.) It's like when she went, I just "lifted out." They all get together and have a great time, but I'm not invited. It pisses me off. Also, my bio-Dad has disappeared (again).

Yes, I still have my Mom and my sister has recently come back into my life. I am also extremely fortunate that my in-laws love me as one of their own. But as a girl with daddy issues, this time of year leaves me feeling pretty down.

I know I need to confront the situation, but I'm just not ready yet. And, I also know that, if I do confront the situation, that I may learn about stuff that I'm not yet ready to hear.

But, back to the point of this post. After the light came on, I decided that I would just be pissed off and eat what I want until Jan 1. I mean, why beat myself up if the food was making me feel better?

But, you know what? The food wasn't making me feel better. My energy level has plumeted and my stomach has been "off" the last few weeks. I've been more apt to lie on the couch than go for a walk. I remember being like that all the time and thought it was normal. Now that I've had a taste of what life can be like, I don't want that any more.

I decided that I could either be angry, or I could have a good holiday in spite of the situation. After all, I do have a son and he deserves to have a happy Christmas like I did at his age. He still believes in Santa and I know those days are numbered. I have six neices and nephews that are all younger than my son, and seeing them tear through their presents is a thrill. Remember how that felt when you were that age?

I decided to have a GREAT holiday season - damn it! :)

Once I made that decision, suddenly the "diet and exercise" thing didn't seem so bad. I even attempted a new exercise video yesterday, but didn't make it too far since my stomach was upset. But, at least I got my butt off the couch and on the weight bench for a change.

So, here I am . . . all in the Christmas spirit now. It's driving my husband crazy. HE HE, this will be more fun that I thought.

HO! HO! HO!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #47: Reflection

2006-12-10T07:42:00.000-06:00

12/10/2006

Today is my birthday. I'm 37. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm quite depressed about being in my late 30s. Well, maybe depressed isn't the right word. I'm freaking pissed.

I feel as if I have slept the past 10 years of my life and only started waking up 11 months ago. It's really only been 6 months since I've felt like my own person. Now, here I am ready to take life by the horns, and I'm almost 40. Not that I think 40 is old, but let's face it . . . you just can't do at 40 what you could do at 20.

Here I sit wanting to run a marathon, do an Ironman, travel the world . . . and I feel like I'm running out of time. Damn, I wish I hadn't spent the last 10 years sitting on the couch eating crap.

Ah, regrets . .

The "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that I try to avoid . . .

I guess the good thing is that I did wake up before I hit 40 as opposed to before I hit 50 or never at all. The thing is that I'm back to battling my food demons again. This week I'm back down to 185.5, but I should have lost more. I increased exercise and was doing perfect on food, but Thursday came around and I blew it. For some reason I still feel the need to eat crap when I'm not feeling happy. Looking back I think my upcoming birthday had me blue, but I didn't realize it at the time. So I ate. I ate a lot. And no, it wasn't veggies.

So, I still have this emotional eating problem that I need to deal with. Damn it, will I ever conquer it?

Time to take this anger on a nice long run this morning. See you soon.

With friendship,

Care'

Time to Quit Dorking Around

2006-12-03T11:05:00.000-06:00

12/03/2006

I was looking at my results for the month of November and they clearly show that I am futzing around and not being serious. I've been totally rocking on the exercise front, but I've pretty much been going over on calories. I haven't been making terrible choices like I've done in the past - just eating too much of the stuff I can have. Basically, it's like I'm doing my maintenance plan instead of my weight loss plan. While it is nice to know that I can maintain my weight without having to write down every bite and just using what I've learned, it is NOT nice to know that this is the weight I'm maintaining. I need to quit dorking around. After all, I have another 50 pounds to lose. That's still a lot of weight and I'll never get it off at this rate.

So, some key decisions today -

1. Write everything down that I eat. I find it's harder to cheat when every bite is accounted for.

2. Start weighing every morning again. This is hard to do while travelling, but it does keep me on track. I'm home now, so no execuses.

3. Bump up the exercise. I'm doing 3 days a week very consistently now, but want to bump it up. Not only for weight loss, but also because I want to work on my endurance. I ran another 5K yesterday and, while I almost made my goal time of 45 minutes (finisihed in 45:05) and beat my personal record of 47:59, I still wasn't happy. It was a stuggle and I finished towards the end of the pack. I don't necessarily want to win, but I would like to come in with the top 25%. The only way I can do that is to (a) drop the rest of the weight and (b) work on my endurance. So, this week I'm adding 2 more days to my exercise plan.

4. Get serious again. When I lost the most weight the quickest was when I was a machine. I didn't think about how food tasted. I just thought about what the food would do for my body & how much energy it would give me. Time to start looking at food like that again.

So, today starts a new week for me. I really would like to hit 175 by the end of the year. That's about a 2.5 pound weight loss per week. That may be not be attainable since I typically lose in the 1 - 1.5 pound range, but I'm going to try. After all, I've never been 100% on diet and 100% on exercise at the same time. Who knows? Maybe 2.5 pounds per week is too low.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #44: Yep, This Really is a Journey

2006-11-19T10:28:00.000-06:00

11/19/2006

So, did ya miss me last week?

I didn't post because, well, quite frankly, I was embarassed. I had managed to get back up to 189 in just a week. In seems that reaching the half way point made me feel justified in celebrating. I did do some positive celebrating - new clothes, new bike, etc. But I also did some bad celebrating - i.e. food. As far as I've come and as much as I've learned, I still don't have the food demon completely conquered.

I wonder if this is how a drug addict or alcholic feels? It's like you know it's bad for you, and you know that the immediate satisfaction you get won't last, but you do it anyway. Then, you're mad at yourself for doing it.

So, I pretty much had the "get real" discussion with myself last weekend. Or, to put it more aptly, a "get real" argument.

I think I always had it in the back of my head that, once I reached the half way point, I could stop. You see, I didn't think I'd make it this far and knew I'd never go further. So, a long time ago - years ago - I gave myself permission to get to 186 and just stop. That would be good enough. That was what I weighed when DH and I met. That was what I weighed almost 11 years ago.

The conflict came in because I didn't WANT to stop. Emotionaly I wanted to stop, but something else was wanting to go forward.

Let me tell you, being around me that last week was NOT a fun experience. DH definately earned some points last week for just staying out of my way and listening without offerring suggestions. (After all this time he's figured out when I want advice and when I don't - LOL!)

So, I guess this is a really long, rambling way of saying that I'm back on track. I do want to go forward. In fact, I want to compete. Scracth that. I don't just want to compete. I want to be competitive.

I want to push my body to become the best that it can be.

I want to be strong.

I want my kid to see me in action and be proud.

Yep, I still have some food issues, and I'll probably have them my entire life. But now I feel like there are other reasons to lose the weight.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #42: Sometimes You Just Gotta Graze . . .

2006-11-05T09:53:00.000-06:00

11/06/2006

Well, the scale has me up half a pound today. I'm not surprised, really. Or, maybe I am - I'm surprised it's ONLY have a pound.

You see, I had a craving this week, that really started nagging at me last Friday. I resisted as much as I could, but found myself "eating around" the craving. Basically, instead of eating the thing I really wanted and just being done with it, I ate all this other stuff to try and satisfy me. So, instead of getting hit with one 300 calorie pop, I'll bet I ate an additional 1,500 calories this week just trying to satisfy it with healthy stuff.

It didn't work.

Last night I finally realized what I was doing and ate the darn thing I wanted in the first place.

So, what did I learn?

If you really are craving something, just eat it and move on. Now I have an additional 1,500 calories to deal with instead of 300. An expensive lesson to learn, but one that is valuable for future reference . . .

Other than that, everything has been great - especially on the exercise front. I have two more 5Ks scheculed and am training for a 10K. Also, I joined my city's natatorium yesterday, so I plan to get in some additional fitness activities. I'm looking forward to swimming again. I haven't wanted to be in a swimsuit in public for years. In fact, I still really would prefer to have another 25 pounds off of me before I subject the world to my figure. But, if I had that attitude when I started running, then I would not be where I am today. So, screw 'em. If they don't like the size of my behind, they can look elsewhere, right? :)

With friendship,

Care'

Week #41: Half Way There

2006-10-28T11:37:00.000-06:00

10/28/2006

Today marks the half-way point in my weight loss journey. That's right. Half way. Just a few months ago I didn't think I'd make it here, although I did try to hang in there and not go backwards.

At the half-way point I find that my drive to finish has only strengthened. After all, I came this far. Why stop now?

I find that I am actually enjoying exercise. I have a 5K under my belt and am training for the next one. I'm considering a 10K and am looking ahead to a half marathon. Yes, a marathon is in my future. I know it is.

I find that I actually enjoy eating salads, eating veggies, and drinking water. I like to eat and drink healthy because I like the way it makes me feel - strong, healthy, in control. This from a person that couldn't go two days without a cheeseburger, fries and a shake.

I find that I am enjoying life more. Yeah, there are people in this world that are a pain in the ass, but they don't bother me as much any more.

I find that my relationship with my son and my husband is better. It's because I am better. It's because I like myself now.

I find that I enjoy feeling the muscles in my legs and love that my behind is smaller.

I find that I enjoy shopping for clothes now, and even try to buy stuff that shows off my figure, rather than hiding it.

Yes, I still have a journey ahead of me. I still am overweight. I still need to strengthen and tone.

But, you know what? I'm doing it. Yeah, I really am doing it.

With friendship,

Care'

My First 5K

2006-10-21T14:44:00.000-06:00

10/21/2006

Yeah, you heard me. I ran my very first 5K today. My legs are pretty sore this afternoon and my head is swollen from how proud I am of myself, but other than that I feel great! I even managed to complete the race in 47:59 - 3:01 FASTER than my goal. Yeah, I know that's pretty slow, but it's only slightly slower than when I run on the treadmill at home. The course ending up being mostly uphill and it was tough weaving through all the walkers, but it was still a wonderful experience. The weather was perfect for running.

I can't wait to do another one. Only this time I want to run the whole thing!

I haven't even weighed yet, so I'll have to do that tomorrow (had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to make the race.) Now, with running 3.1 miles today the scale had BETTER be friendly - LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #39: Some Changes

2006-10-15T07:58:00.000-06:00

10/15/2006

My official weigh-in yesterday has me down another 2 pounds. That means I'm only 2 pounds away from the overall half-way point. I'm thrilled! Also, my first 5K is coming up on Saturday. I'm very excited. Unfortunately I won't be able to run the full 3 miles since I had some setbacks during training. But, my plan is to run at least 2 miles and complete the race in under 51 minutes. I told Vince last night that I'm going to use this one for experience and that I plan to sign up for another one very soon. Then, I want to start training for a 10K.

I have to tell you . . . I am really enjoying the feel of muscles in my legs and the fact that my butt is smaller. I'm ready for other parts of my body to start toning up, which ties in to the title of my post.

I decided last week that I need to add some sort of weight training to my exercise plan. Yes, I do the resistance training with the bands, but it isn't hard enough, if that makes sense. I've decided I want a personal trainer, but I dodn't want to spend the money (after all, I need to fix my house - LOL!) So, I searched the Interent and found a 13 week training plan that didn't cost too much and that you do from home.

Let me tell you, that first night I only managed to do one set of each exercise in each circuit. I wasn't working too hard because I wanted to get the "feel" of the exercise and make sure I understood the technique. Well, it kicked my butt anyway, which was very exciting. I think I may have found something that will produce the results I want. The plan also came with a diet that fits very nicely with the NS plan. I basically add one more fat serving and eliminate one carb serving, which I started doing on Wednesday.

It just seems so strange that I actually want to exercise and eat healthy, and that I am spending my time researching and planning for both. Just a year ago I thought the only way to get fit was through surgery, and I was seriously contemplating it. Just months ago I was ready to give up and just maintain my loss. Now I find myself in a completely different situation. It's almost as if I found the light switch after being in the dark for so many years.

The truth is that I've finally taken the time to sort through and resolve the various emotional issues in my life. The truth is that I didn't like myself very much and used my weight to keep people away so I wouldn't get hurt. As I've worked though the past hurts and disappointments, I've found that I really am a good person and I have a right to enjoy life. And if anyone has a problem with that or doesn't want to be part of it, that's his or her tough luck. I'm not going to let other people's emotional issues interfere with my life anymore. Yes, there are still some things to sort through and I know those are going to be the hardest because they have the deepest scars. But, I know that dealing with them will make me a more healthy person - physically and mentally.

So, I guess I'm at the fork in the road on this journey. I can keep doing what I've been doing, or I can take a turn and travel the more challenging path.

I choose the more challenging path.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #38: Hello 190s, My Old Friend

2006-10-08T05:36:00.000-06:00

10/08/06

Yep, that's right. I'm back up a pound to 190.5. I know why. I deserve it. But I don't feel sorry for myself. No way. It just makes me more determined to get it right back off.

You see, something has finally clicked in my brain.

One thing a lot of overweight people struggle with is the thought of keeping off the weight once they lose it. Once you get past the "can I lose it" anxiety, the next logical thought is "will I be able to keep it off." I conquered "can I lose it" a while back - hell yeah, I can and I am. But, the "will I be able to keep it off" was a little harder to get past.

Well, I'm past it now.

I know I will be able to keep it off. Yes, the scale is going to boune from time to time - that's normal. (DID YOU HEAR ME??? I said that's NORMAL! LOL!)

Over the last 38 weeks I've learned portion control, how to build a balanced diet and how much exercise my body needs. I've also learned that I can have an off-plan meal from time to time without it causing a five-pound weight gain. So, what's the big deal? It means that I'm officially no longer on a diet. Instead, I've just changed my lifestyle.

It's funny when you move from a diet mindset to a lifestyle mindset. Suddenly exercise feels empowering rather than being something you dread. Suddenly food becomes fuel and nutrition rather than something you have to think (i.e. obsess) about. Suddenly water becomes refreshing rather than a liquid you have to choke down. The opposite is true as well. Passing by a fast food joint makes the stomach roll. Too many sodas leave you more thirsty than before. Not exercising for a few days leaves you feeling down.

So, I'm visiting the 190s this weekend, but plan to go back home to the 180s right away. After all, I have a date with the 170s I need to keep.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #37: Interesting Discovery

2006-10-01T09:23:00.000-06:00

10/01/2006

Emily's comment on my last post was the kick in the butt I needed. I have a tendency to look back on only the last few days and base everything on those days. For example, if I've been 100% on plan for the last week, then I forget that I wasn't 100% the week before. This works both ways. If I was off plan for a few days, then I beat myself up for never being on plan.

After Emily posted her comment, I pulled every food diary that I've been keeping since the beginning of this journey and studied them for several hours. What I found was interesting.

It seems my body doesn't reflect loss or gain for at least a week after the event. So, for example, if I eat a piece of cake today today (Sunday), then my body won't register it until next Sunday. This works in reverse too - a great day today will show up on the scale next week.

So, this past week I started at 190 and then saw the scale creep back up to 192.5. What I saw when I looked back on the week before was that I wasn't making the best choices for a few days. In fact, the day where the scale peaked matched the day from the prior week where I didn't exercise, drink all my water, and indulged in dessert during a department luncheon.

Strange, isn't it?

I then went back and re-looked at my food diaries from the very beginning - back in January & February - when I was new to NS and was really on top of the plan. It's a little harder to see the trend there, because I followed the plan so closely that I consistently lost every week.

Hmmmm.

These last few months during which I've been in the 190s have shown me doing two things - either being 100% on everything or 100% on nothing. At times it made me question if there was something psychologically going on causing me to not want to lose the weight. I see now that it's not that. Instead it is my tendency to give up when things aren't perfect. (I have a very long history of this - piano lessons, guitar lessons, court reporting school, sports, etc. I've tried a thousand things and, when I'm not perfect right away, I move onto something else.) Once again my evil perfectionist personality has reared its ugly head. (But at least I know what I'm dealing with now!)

So, this got me thinking. As a member of several boards and a reader of many blogs, I know there are a lot of us out there that are frustrated with the rate in which we are or are not losing. We've tried different diets, different exercise methods, different water amounts - you name it. What does that mean? Well, it shows that each and every one of us wants to lose the weight and is commited to doing so. That in and of itself is proof that we will succeed. It also shows that consistency is more important than anything.

Yeah, yeah, you've heard that before, right? I know . . . it sounds cliche to me too. But, reviewing my food journals have proven this to be true in my case.

So, the next time I slip up and eat off plan or blow off exercise for the day, I won't start mixing things up when I see the scale go up the following week. Instead I'll keep doing what I'm supposed to do - one day at a time; one meal at a time.

After all, my food diary from the beginning proves that it will work.

Oh, I almost forgot - I weighed in at 189.5 this week!

With friendship,

Care'

Rant On

2006-09-27T08:09:00.000-06:00

09/27/2006

Warning . . . I'm incredibly pissed right now . . .

In the spirt of removing the "toxins" from my attitude, I have decided to do what seems to help me the most - write about it. Feel free to comment and point out where I can improve, or tell me just to shut up. I can use some tough love right now.

If I step on the scale one more freaking time and see a number higher than 189.5 I think I am going to SCREAM. On Sunday I was down to 190. I was thrilled. Monday showed 191. Okay, not too bad. Wednesday showed 192.5! DAMN IT! This would all be acceptable if I had not been perfect on the diet, water and exercise front. I've been on the treadmill every day since Saturday and even added resistance training on Monday and Tuesday. I have been 100% on the NS plan since last Thursday (not one single cheat, mind you) and have been 110% with the water by taking in more than 8 glasses.

When I exercise I am getting very frustrated. My desire on what I want to do exceeds what my body will allow me to do. It's like I really want to push myself further, but my body is letting me down. Last night I twisted my ankle when I was running, so I had to stop. I'm fine and will be back on the treadmill tonight, but it really angered me that I had to stop after only 20 minutes. I feel like I can run forever but my legs would probably blow out.

I know where I want to get, but I can't get there.

So, what can I do to get the scale to move?

Yes, I am seeing the inches melt away. I am feeling muscle starting to form, and my butt is definately smaller than it used to be. But when I look in the mirror I see the flabby skin under my arms, the rolls that are still around my mid section, and the hail damage on my butt and thighs. (How is it that I never saw this before?)

Am I just being too hard on myself? Or, is it that I finally am being hard on myself for the first time in my life and am having trouble adjusting?

I am afraid that I've hit the wall. Look on the right . . . I've been in the 190s for a VERY long time. TOO LONG.

Am I going to be a size 2 and still weigh 190 pounds? Is that even possible?

I know you should measure weight loss by things other than the number on the scale, but we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't agree that the number on the scale is important to us.

Okay . . . rant off.

Hit me with your comments, please.

Care'

Week #36: Just a bit more . . .

2006-09-24T06:49:00.000-06:00

09/24/2006

And I can kiss the 190s goodbye! You can imagine how excited I was to see 190 this morning, and the scale was flashing 189.5! I think the last two days have really made a difference.

Yes, I've talked about recommiting in the past, but I really did it this time. Yesterday I worked out for 71 minutes on the treadmill and burned around 500 calories. That's more than double what I typically do. After doing that yesterday morning, there was no way in hell I was going to put something off plan in my mouth. Plus, I was dang thirsty, so the water was not a problem at all. So, in a few minutes I plan to get back on the treadmill again to burn another 500 calories. I'm DETERMINED, to see the 180s this month, darn it!

On another topic, I had lunch yesterday with about 10 of my NS friends. It was great fun, as always. You know, I've always had a hard time making friends and tend to avoid group gatherings. But I immediately clicked with this group back in April when we first met. It's almost like you know them already because you already understand their struggles.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #35: Up a Half a Pound, But Celebrating Anyway

2006-09-17T13:14:00.000-06:00

09/17/2006

While it appears that I may weigh in the 190s FOREVER, I'm still pretty happy this week. I had a HUGE non-scale victory. You see, I have a shirt that only comes out every now and then for me to put on, sigh at how it shows the rolls of fat on my back, and then immediately take it back off. Last Friday I realized I was behind on laundry and needed a top to wear. Knowing that I wasn't leaving the house, I decided I could ignore the rolls for a few hours while I did the wash. I put the shirt on, put a grimmace on my face, and turned to check out my back side in the mirror. You know what? The rolls were GONE!

I NO LONGER HAVE BACK FAT! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

So, I decided to check out other areas to see how they were improving. The stomach (my biggest problem area) is still the worst part. But, I'm able to see my toes when I look down now. Also, I'm starting to see my c-section scar. While that may not sound like something to celebrate on the surface, it means that the roll on my stomach is starting to disappear. (Yeah, I know - TMI!).

The buns are also starting to firm up. Cool.

I decided to take my measurements - something I hadn't done in a while. Amazing! I've lost 19 inches since I began this journey. That's about the size of my son's head! (Which explains why the pants I bought about six weeks ago are already getting baggy.) I decided to start taking measurements once a week so I'd have something besides the scale to mark progress.

And, on the exercise front, I'm doing great. No, I'm not running a full 5K yet, but I'm on my way. I'm actually starting to look forward to my runs. GASP! Yeah, they are still hard and sometimes I feel like I'm actually going to fall over dead while I'm running, but I always survive and it feels terrific.

So, that pretty much sums up what's going on with me. The scale is still evil, but I'm making new friends with the treadmill and the tape measure.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #34: Wow . . . 34 weeks?

2006-09-10T08:49:00.000-06:00

09/10/2006

As I was typing in the title of the post I had to stop for a moment. 34 weeks? 34 weeks! That's a long time considering the average life of any diet in the past has been about 10 weeks. Yeah, I've had my ups and downs, but I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Even during the times when I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I still maintained. Now, THAT is a HUGE accomplishment.

I still struggle with wanting the bad stuff. Just last week I indulged in a cheeseburger, fries and ice cream while on a business trip. I also didn't make as good of choices while eating out as I could have. There's part of me that doesn't want to. That's the part of me that gets really pissed off that I have to work so dang hard for something that comes easily to others. (Admit it . . . you've ALL wanted to trip a skinny person at some point in your life - LOL!)

Along with the 34 week realization, I also stopped to think about where I am on this journey.

Just 1 pound away from my next mini-goal of 190.

Just 5 pounds away from 186. Holy cow - 186!

186 is significant to me for many reasons. First, it's the official half-way point between my non-NS starting weight of 238 and my goal weight of 135. Second, it's in the 180s, which I haven't seen since my 20s. (And it will be awesome to be out of the 190s.) Third, and most importantly, it's the weight I was when I met Vince. I've always felt a bit guilty that I'd "let myself go," so getting back to 186 will be awesome.

And to think I was beating myself up less than 48 hours ago about my bad choices. Yeah, I wish I could take them back, but at least I didn't let them beat me.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #33: Scale for Sale

2006-09-03T12:07:00.000-06:00

09/03/06

What do I have to do to get the scale to move?

I'm back on the foods.

I'm getting my water.

I'm exercising 3 times a week for 30 minutes.

I'm sick of seeing 192.5 every time I step on the scale.

Grrrrrr.

Sorry, feeling sorry for myself today.

Week #32: Putting it All Together

2006-08-27T09:17:00.000-06:00

08/27/06

First, the weigh in results. No loss. No gain. 192.5 seems to be a number my body likes. But you know what? I've only been back on the NS foods for a couple of days, so I'm sure next week will show better results.

Second, the exercise results. I started the Couch-to-5K plan last week. (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml). I was hesitant to admit that was what I was doing, but you know what? It's time I did so that someone is holding me accountable. I actually started it 2 weeks ago, but didn't do so well the first week. This week, however was a success! I am in week 2 of the plan now and am pretty excited to see my progress. There is a 5K coming up in October that I'd like to do. Now I have a goal! I have always wanted to be a runner, and I'm happy to say I'm making steps in that direction.

Third, the food results. My NS food arrived on Wednesday, so I started on Thursday. Thursday was perfect. Friday was not-so-perfect. I did great for everything but lunch. It was one of those last minute things for which I didn't get to plan, so I caved and had something I shouldn't have. But, I didn't let that get me down and immediately got back on plan. Saturday was 100% perfect and today is 100% perfect so far. So, I'm SURE the scale will budge for me. IT BETTER! LOL!

Fourth, my mid-life crisis update. The good news is that I feel like I'm moving forward again. I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but I'm glad to be taking steps again. For a few months I was stuck in limbo. I hate being in limbo. I'm still scared about what the end result will be, but I'm ready to get there.

Fifth, a job update. I've officially been on the new job for 2 weeks. This last week was really good (except for Monday - see previous post) and I'm starting to get busy. That helps. I hate not being busy. So, already I feel like I'm adding value. I do miss my old job a lot. In fact, I gave a couple of the guys a call last week to say hello and to make sure they hadn't forgotten about my going-away party (thanks, Bob!). There are still times when I want to run back to the old job, but I try to take it day by day. I am enjoying the fact that I'm not having to kill myself right now by working a ton of hours.

Sixth, a kiddo update. Jake started 3rd grade this month. He's complaining about the length of the day, but is otherwise happy. He likes his new teacher and he's enjoying the material. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this year is a huge success.

Seventh, a hubby update. Vince has decided that he wants to go to culinary school, so he is in the process of figuring out where he wants to go. It's probably a year off because we want to get the house repairs done first.

Eight, speaking of home repairs . . . the leak is fixed and sheet rock has been hung in the bedroom. We're still sleeping in the living room because Vince hates it. (I figure that will help motivate him to get the rest of the repairs done ASAP). We haven't made much progress in the last two weekends, but are planning a big push for the upcoming holiday weekend.

Ninth, my next weight goal. It's been a long time since I've set a mini-goal, so it's time to do it again. My next mini-goal is 190. Yeah, the difference between 192.5 and 190 is not much, but I typically do 5 pound increments and this helps make the math easier - LOL!

I'm trying to think of a tenth thing, but my mind is blank. I guess that's a sign that it's time to sign off.

With friendship,

Care'

Trip from Hell

2006-08-22T09:45:00.000-06:00

08/22/2006

I was typing this in an email for my mom who was innocent enough to ask, "How was your trip to Chicago?" I'm sure she wasn't prepared for the respose.

Anywho, I thought you guys would enjoy my perils, so have a good laugh at my expense. For me, the crying has finally stopped and I am starting to see the humor in the situation . . .

1. Had to leave Sunday morning.
2. Plane delayed.
3. Sat next to woman who got air sick for the entire trip.
4. Rental car not ready upon arrival.
5. Got lost on way to hotel.
6. Get to hotel - smoking room, even though non-smoking specified.
7. Decide to have wine from the honor bar. No wine opener.
8. Have room service bring up wine opener. Can't get cork out. Manage to push crumbled cork into bottle.
9. Drank two glasses of wine with cork. Yum.
10. Forgot to call hubby to wake him up. Fortunately, kid was not late to school.
11. Got lost on way to seminar.
12. Could not find parking.
13. Decided to just park and walk the rest of the way.
14. Managed to get lost while walking. Turned 4 block trip into 1.5 mile trip (if I had known, I would not have gotten up at 5:30 to run for 1.5 miles).
15. Hurt foot while wandering aimlessley in downtown Chicago. Now limping and lost.
16. Finally find seminar. Check in. Receptionist sends me to wrong room.
17. Get to right room (could they have put my class any further away from the bathrooms?)
18. Room is freezing, and I did remember to bring a jacket - that's how freaking cold it was.
19. Developed case of diarreha, so in and out of class - while limping, mind you.
20. Get out of class early (thank goodness).
21. Find car without getting lost (luck is turning around).
22. Get lost trying to find expressway.
23. Find expressway - but in wrong lane to get on.
24. Try to turnaround. Street turns into a dead-end parking lot.
25. Try to back out of parking lot - not working. Pull into teeny-tiny space to turn around.
26. Back into concrete planters while turning around.
27. Make circle to get back on expressway. Didn't work.
28. Make bigger circle to get back on expressway. Worked (horray, although I'm about to cry).
29. Got lost on way to aiport.
30. Got back on track, but get lost AGAIN. (NEVER drive in Chicago).
31. Got flipped off twice.
32. Got flipped off again. This time I flip back.
33. Find rental car return after a 2 hour trip, but manage to go the wrong way.
34. Got flipped off again. (Beginning to think it's Chicogo's residents' way of saying "hello")
35. Get rental car dropped off (guy didn't notice any damage from step 26 above - woo hoo!)
36. Get on rental car shuttle. Hobble over to a seat because foot is killing me. Shuttle is crowded. Lady manages to step on my hurt foot three times.
37. I flip off lady. She doesn't step on foot again.
38. Get to airport. Manage to successfully check in.
39. Wait in line to get luggage inspected. Machine breaks. Have to take luggage to other side of terminal (still limping).
40. Wait in line for luggage inspection (20 minute wait).
41. Hobble over to security. Line is LONG because machine breaks. (What is it with machinery in this airport?) Picture 500 travelers trying to go through one security line.
42. Get through security.
43. Go to Chili's since I have a very long wait until boarding. Order margarita - I deserve one, right? Waitress spills drink on me.
44. Eat dinner (which is cold, but I don't complain for fear of having something else dumped on me).
45. Hobble over to gate (could it be any further away from security? Nope, it can't. Last freaking gate in terminal).
46. Sit down at gate.
47. Foot gets run over by passerby.
48. Hobble over to new seat. Open book to read. Book sucks.
49. Hobble over to gift shop to buy new book. Clerk won't let me in - thinks I'm drunk (could that be because I'm limping and smell like tequilla?)
50. Hobble to next gift shop and successfully buy book.
51. Hobble back to gate. Sit down and start reading (finally).
52. Plane delayed 15 minutes.
53. Plane delayed 30 minutes.
54. Plane delayed 45 minutes.
55. Plane finally boards. Full flight. Get seated next to gentleman who has no concept of personal space or hygiene.
56. Plane lands. Limp off of plane and wait 30 minutes to get luggage.
57. Get luggage - go outside to wait for courtesy van to take me to my car.
58. 15 minute wait.
59. Get car. Check out - receipt flys out of machine and across parking lot. Receipt is for over $20, so I need it to get reimbursed.
60. Pull over. Chase parking receipt across parking lot (remember, I'm limping).
61. Get receipt. Get back in car. Drive home.
62. Get home at 1:00 a.m. Set alarm for 6.00 a.m. and pass out.

Don't you just LOVE travel?

Care'

NSVs

2006-08-20T10:16:00.000-06:00

08/20/2006

Just a quick post because I'm about to head to the airport (again!) and won't have Internet access for a couple of days.

I have two WONDERFUL non-sale victories to share. Since it's been a while, I'm doubly excited.

Since I've started the new "old" job, I have to dress professionally again. I noticed this week that my clothing was hanging off of me. I mean, embarassingly so. For some reason I thought that all this stuff would still fit.

Anyway, I had to get some new hose. Now, ladies, are you ready for this? I no longer have to buy the "Just My Size" hose. I can actually buy the regular ones! Yeah, I'm still a size Q, but at least I'm not that dreaded 3X anymore.

Also, I needed to get some new clothes. After all, how can you climb the career ladder if your pants are falling off? I walked into a store and immediately paniced. I wasn't sure what size I was. I use to be a 20-22. So, I picked up a size 18 suit and a size 16 suit and headed to the dressing room. Imagine my surprise when I was swimming in the 18. Then, I tried the 16. STILL TOO BIG!

NO FREAKING WAY!

So, I had the sales lady grab me a 14. I didn't think it would fit, but it did! So, I bought a few outfits last night in a size 14.

14!

It's been at least 5 years since I was a 14.

The hard part was limiting myself to buying only a few things. After all, I don't plan to be a 14 for much longer.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #31: Back on Track - Again!

2006-08-19T08:38:00.000-06:00

08/19/2006

I'm back on track.

Those 2 pounds that had snuck back on are officially gone. And this time, they are gone for good!

I really did well this week - worked out twice and stayed on plan. I even did much better on water. And you know what? I feel better! The plan this week is to exercise three times, be more consistent with water and stay on plan 100%. Hopefully I'll see the weight dropping off fast again when my food arrives. I plan to order it today!

I started the new job this week. The verdict is still out. I miss my old co-workers terribly. Of course, when you work as many hours as you do with your co-workers, I guess that's to be expected. It probably doesn't help that I'm a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Overwhelmed by the number of things that I'd like to get accomplished in the new position, but underwhelmed because the pace is pretty slow. So, we'll see. I'm sure I'll adjust soon.

In the meantime, I'm using the down time to focus on ME again and to make sure I am truly back on track.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #30: It's Time

2006-08-13T08:41:00.000-06:00

08/13/2006

It's time.

Last week I posted about how I knew it was time to recommit, but I wasn't quite ready to yet. Well, I'm ready now.

I'm sick of seeing the scale bounce between 192.5 and 195.

I'm sick of feeling fat again.

I'm sick of knowing what I'm supposed to do, but not doing it.

I'm sick of feeling tired.

I'm sick of feeling depressed.

I'm sick of knowing that something better is out there for me and that I just need to reach for it.

I'm sick of being in limbo about my relationship with my dad.

I'm sick of not knowing who I am.

I'm sick of not embracing life - of holding back because I'm so scared of rejection.

I'm sick of not being as physically strong and fit as I know I can be.

I'm sick of being out of control.

It's time for me to get back in control.

It's time for me to be strong.

It's time for me to feel energetic and fit.

It's time for me to feel empowered and confident in who I am.

It's time for me to either repair or discard the relationships with my family that have haunted me all my life.

It's time for me to embrace life and accept the wonderful things that are out there for me. No more rejecting love and appreciation for others.

It's time for me to be accountable again - to myself and to my fellow losers.

It's time for me to be me.

With friendship,

Care'

Five Weird Things About Me

2006-08-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by Melissa!

Rules: The player of this game starts with "Five weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their five weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag five more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I'll start with the strangest one of all. Have you ever squirted some dish soap into your kitchen sink and then turned on the water to clean up? You rinse the bubbles out and you're all done, right? A few hours later you turn on the dishwasher which causes the bubbles to rise back into the sink and sort of "breath . . . ." Um, yeah, that freaks me out. When I was preggo, it would make me barf.

2. Speaking of preggo . . . I developed super-human smell when I was pregnant with Jacob. I could smell things a mile away. I remember one time I smelled a can of stain that had been opened on the other side of the building where they were doing construction. I STILL have my super-human sense of smell. No one is safe blowing gas around me. You WILL be busted.

3. I'm a huge heavy metal fan. What's so weird about that? We'll it doesn't add up when you look at me. I'm ultra-conservative and dress like a banker. I just don't seem the type to show up at a White Zombie concert. Oh, and when I do show up they usually think I'm a nark . . . just because my socks match my shirt . . .

4. I'm a clean FREAK! I cannot STAND dirt. Most people think my desk at work is unoccupied because it is so clean. (Now, if you are up-to-date on my house situation, you can imagine that I'm about at my wits end.)

5. Now this is really weird. I constantly refer to myself as being weird, but I cannot think of a 5th thing. I seriously pondered this over the last 24 hours. (Maybe that's weird?)

Now, time to tag some other weird people. I choose Emily, Diane, Jesi, Karon and Neil.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #29: Comfortable?

2006-08-06T07:33:00.000-06:00

08/06/2006

Quick Update: The scale moved in the right direction! Down a pound! HORRAY!

Now for the real topic today . . . .

Warning: Changing to self-reflection mode now . . .

Last Friday I was catching up on everyone's blogs and I noticed a consistent theme. It seems like we're all re-dedicating ourselves to our program and making some serious commitments. I need to do that too, but something is holding me back. After careful reflection, I think I know what it is.

For the first time that I can remember, I am no longer hearing those nagging voices of what I "should" and "should not" do in regards to how I dress, where I work, what I do, etc. etc. (Yeah, there's still the voice that tells me what I should and shouldn't eat, but at least it's MY voice now.)

And, I must say that it's been blissfully comfortable.

You see, that's the problem. I'm comfortable.

I've lost a lot of weight, (39 on NS and 45.5 total), and I feel pretty good about where I am now. Yeah, I'm not at goal, but I no longer lose my breath when I climb a flight of stairs. I eat so much better than what I use to - I can't tell you when it was that I last had a french fry.

You see, about 8 weeks ago I noticed a change. I was no longer setting mini-goals for myself. I was no longer fanitical about getting up every morning to exercise.

I'm comfy, you see.

I've found that by continuing to eat a balanced diet with very few cheats, I can easily maintain my comfortable weight.

Oh, so comfy.

So, if I'm so comfortable, why don't I stop?

I don't want to stop because I'm still overweight and I want to lose more. I want to feel really healthy. I mean, if losing 45 pounds makes me feel comfortable, how will losing the rest make me feel? Freaking awesome, I'm sure.

I want to feel awesome.

What's holding me back? What's keeping me from making the commitment? What's forcing me to hide behind the excuse of house problems, job antics, kid activities, etc?

I think it's BECAUSE I am comfortable.

You see, this entire journey has been about more than just a number on a scale. This has been about finding out who Care' is. What does she want? What are her views and opinions? What are her values? What are her dreams?

It's almost like the slate has been wiped clean, and it's a great feeling. But now I realize that it's time to write stuff on the slate again - my values, my opinions, my dreams. But I'm a little scared. It's taken 36 years to get that damn slate clean, and I want to make sure whatever I put there is right.

Plus, what if I find out that my dreams don't mesh with the important people in my life? What happens if something I determine I value causes a rift in an important relationship?

Hmmmm, it doesn't sound like I'm all that comfortable, does it?

That's probably the REAL reason why I haven't given up yet.

It's taken a couple of months, but I now recognize that it's time for me to make the commitment to myself, regardless of the risks and consequences. I know I'd rather go through the rest of my life knowing who I am and what I stand for, than spend it in the neutral zone.

It's time for me to embrace myself so that I can embrace life.

It's time for me to get uncomfortable.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #28: No Loss - AGAIN!

2006-07-30T08:53:00.000-06:00

07/30/2006

No loss.

But, I didn't really expect one since I have NOT been good this week. Everyone has wanted to go to lunch or dinner this week since I'm about to leave the job, so the temptation has been difficult to overcome. Plus, the stress related to the house is really getting to me. I need to figure out how to rearrange my living/dining/bedroom to get my treadmill where I can use it again. I don't want to exercise right now, but I think I may need the outlet.

Hey wait - that means I'll have a gym/living/dining/bedroom.

Great.

Gotta run . . . there's yet another project I need to work on for the house.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #27: Update on Everything

2006-07-23T07:59:00.000-06:00

07/23/2006

There's a ton of stuff going on right now, so I'll catch you up on everything.

WEIGHT LOSS
Or maybe I should title this "WEIGHT GAIN" . . . Yep, I'm up a half a pound. Double GRRRRRR. I'm struggling. I'm losing the will to even try anymore, but I haven't given up. I think some things in my life need to settle down a bit so I can get back on track.

JOB
I decided to take the new job and my notice was officially accepted last Monday. My last day in August 9th. Why, oh why, do I give this much notice every time I leave? As usual, most things have already been asigned to others and my workload has dropped significantly. I'm wondering if I'll have enough to do for the next two and a half weeks. But, I am looking VERY forward to the new job. It sounds like I'll be traveling for the first couple of months for training, which will be fun. I like travel - it's the hubby that doesn't like it.

HOUSE
I never remember how much I've shared about my never-ending house woes. We had a fire last December that originated in the heating unit. Basically, all of the ceilings in the house had to be repaired because the duct work was inside of fir downs. The cool thing is that we got to raise the ceiling in several areas, but there is still a TON of sheetrocking, taping, mudding, texturing and painting to be done. Every room in my house has some sort of repair work that needs attention.

We finished replacing the a/c and heating unit and installed all the new duct work in February, but since then work has stalled. Most of this is due to the fact that the insurance check didn't even cover the new a/c and heating unit, much less the repairs. Since we're having to fund the repairs ourselves (which is why I gave up NS food) and since DH is having to do the work himself, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY work has stalled.

Last weekend work started again. DH and I decided that we would start in the hallway, since that had the most visible damage and because all of the books from the bookshelves that had to be torn down are piled in each of the bedrooms. The thought was that this would not only make the worst area of the house better, but the bedrooms would benefit from less clutter. All sheetrock was hung and taping and mudding was completed on half of the hallway last Saturday. AWESOME! Our plan for Sunday was to tape and mud the other side of the hallway. Then, we would texture this weekend and paint next weekend. The end was in sight!

In our apparent arrogance that something was FINALY going right with this house, we went out shopping. We went to a few stores and had a few more stops to make, but we had to come home because I had to pee (see, I'm still drinking my water.) I went to the bathroom in our master bedroom, and when I walked out I noticed my son was staring at the ceiling with his mouth wide open. When I looked up, I saw that there was a huge bubble and water was starting to drip on the floor.

Great.

I yelled for my husband who came in the room, saw what was going on, then immediately went to the attic to investigate. Meanwhile I made a mad dash to the kitchen (exercise, right?) to get a pitcher to catch the water. I placed the sad little pitcher under the huge bubble, and started moving everything out from under it as fast as I could. I managed to get a few things out of the way, but then it burst. . . . right on top of my head.

I looked up to see my hubby looking down at me from a now even larger hole in the ceiling. Here are some pics. Enjoy.

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000524.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000525.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000526.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000528.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000527.jpg

As of today, we sill have the huge hole in the ceiling, because the condensing unit continues to leak. We think it may be because we have to insulate the dryer vent. Great. More work.

Anyone need a house? I'll make you a GREAT deal . . .

With friendship,

Care'

Week #26: GRRRR. I'm Stuck!

2006-07-16T10:56:00.000-06:00

07/16/2006

Join my pity party, won't you?

I'm a little tired of this sloooooooooooow process of losing weight that seems to have been around for a while now. It seems like it is taking FOREVER to lose this weight. It's driving me nuts!

On the other hand, I just spent some time looking at my progress on the right, and you know what? That's still pretty good. I also figured out that I'm averaging 1.48 pounds per week lost. That's not bad either (although I'd prefer it be 2 pounds per week).

I think I'm at that point where I am getting tired of trying so hard and not seeing the results on the scale. The fact that I've made it 26 weeks is more than twice as long than I have stuck with a diet in the past, so I'm pretty pround of that. But, I have to admit that I am very frustrated.

There, I said it.

Right now I'm a little resentful of the fact that I've struggled with weight all my life and that I have to deny myself some of those tasty foods that others can eat without restriction. I'm tried of the fact that I have to get my butt on the treadmill every day to see the scale spit out a 1/2 loss while others seem to lose weight just by lying on the couch. I'm jealous of others that have been on NS about the same amount of time as me and have lost in the 50 pound range already.

I know I'm being silly. I know that my progress so far is awesome and the fact that I'm averaging about 1.5 per week is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know all of this.

But, I'm pissed off right now.

I have to be careful because this pissed off point is usually when I throw in the towel and start eating like crap again and gain all the weight back plus 15 more. I know I don't want to to that. I know that I can't do that.

I want to be excited about this lifestyle change again, and I'm having a hard time getting there. I don't even like reading the support boards right now because I don't like how I feel about myself after reading them.

I'm feeling fat and gross again, whereas I was feeling energetic and sexy just a few weeks before.

Damn. I need to snap out of it.

Maybe it's time to mix things up again. Maybe I should order the NS food again since I've been trying to do it on my own for about 3 months now. Or maybe I should try the JC food since the overall plan is pretty similar.

Maybe I'm just at another pivotal point in my mid-life crisis? Perhaps there is something that I'm about to learn about myself that will open up the gates for success?

How long is a mid-life crisis supposed to last?

I know I don't have everything resolved. I still haven't spoken with my dad, so that means we're up to a over a year now with zero communication. I just don't feel ready yet. I feel like I still need to figure out some stuff. I also know that my emotional eating can be directly attributed to my relationship (or lack thereof) with the father figures in my life, so I'm sure that must be it.

But damn it, I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the gut-wrenching, emotional roller coaster that I go through each time I have to face something about myself. The last time almost resulted in a divorce for me and my hubby and I just don't want to have the "big D" conversation again. We're better now - in fact I think we're stronger. But, geesh, I just don't know if I can handle another discussion like that and I'm afraid that would be coming.

I guess I can't live in fear either.

I guess if you're reading this, say a prayer for my hubby so that he has the strength to get through the next one of these "self-awakenings" that I go through. I know I'll be fine when I come out on the other side, but I worry that my hubby is wearing out.

With friendship,

Care'

Crap.

2006-07-11T12:53:00.000-06:00

07/11/2006

Well, I did it. I gave my notice to my boss yesterday afternoon. He pretty much looked at it and told me I'd have to deal with his boss, which was my worst fear. My boss' boss is the CEO of the company and man, is he a salesman!

Sure enough, around 4:00 yesterday he came up to me and asked that I meet with him this morning. I said no. He laughed. He said, "how about 10?"

So, last night I was really stressing out. I finally decided to just quit worrying and wait and see what happens.

10:00 rolled around this morning and I went to his office. Yep, he's one heck of a salesman.

Now I don't know what to do. I am SO confused. Bottom line, the benefits and immediate salary are better at the new job. But, the long-term growth potential and earnings are better at the current job.

Crap.

I talked about the stress level and the hours. Apparently, I'm not supposed to be killing myself like I am and that can immediately be rectified. He did remind me that I kind of have a controlling personality and that I'd probably work myself to death in the new job too. As much as I'd like to deny it, he's right. I do have a tendency to jump in head first and take on way too much responsibility.

New Job - better immediate pay
Current Job - better long term pay

New Job - long drive to work
Current Job - short drive to work

New Job - must dress up
Current Job - business casual is considered overdressed

New Job - 1 more week of vacation
Current Job - same amount of vacation

New Job - significantly better benefits (insurance, 401k etc)
Current Job - some benefits - they are okay - not great

So, what would you do? Do you dance with the one that brought you or go back to an old flame? (The new job is actually the job I had prior to this one.)

Dazed and confused,

Care'

Week #25: No Gain, No Loss, No Problem

2006-07-08T10:21:00.000-06:00

07/08/2006

I think I finally figured out how to read my mom's scale (see previous post) and it appears that I'm holding steady at 193. Cool. Since I'm on vacation and it's that TOM, I'm pretty happy to be maintaining. Besides, I wasn't exactly an angel a couple of days this week. I caved in and enjoyed some Mexican food the other night.

The cool thing is, while I've been hanging out with Mom, she's picked up some of my eating habits. In fact, when she weighed yesterday, she was down 5 pounds! She is super excited and I'm happy for her. I think that was the jump start she needed to get her back on her weight loss plan.

My vacation ends tomorrow. I'm both happy and sad. Sad because, well, I have to go back to work! LOL! Happy because I miss my husband. (DS and I took the trip alone since DH NEVER gets any time off.) Jake and I had a blast - it's always fun hanging out at Nana's house - NO RULES! ;) But, we both miss Vince a lot. I just hope Vince remembers to pick us up at the airport tomorrow. We seem to have challenges with airport pick ups . . . .

I have to admit that I'm also excited to be going home. About two weeks ago I finally got THE JOB OFFER. (This was the one that started back in November of 2005. ) It's funny. Because it took so long to get everything worked out and because there were several times that I thought it was all going to fall apart, I didn't even blink an eye when the offer came in and immediately accepted. So, my start date is August 14th. That means that some time next week I'll be giving notice. I'm dreading it. I know my boss is going to be pissed and will try to talk me out of it. Then, his boss will try to talk me out of it. I'm not trying to be arogant - I just know this will happen. Since I've been there I've seen 5 people give notice, and all but 2 were successfully talked out of leaving. Ugh. Unfortunately, my boss' boss is one heck of a salesman, so I'm a little worried about the discussion. I just know that taking the new job is the right thing to do for me and my family. It will go a long way towards better work-life balance, which I so desparately need right now.

So, it's with a mixutre of excitement, sadness and glee that I face the journey back home tomorrow. Life is never dull, is it?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #24: Another 1.5 pounds - I think?

2006-07-01T09:15:00.000-06:00

07/01/2006

Okay, so I'm in Kansas City on vacation with my son - we're hanging out with my mom for about a week and a half - and I know that I'll have two weigh ins while I'm here. Mom has a scale, so no problem right? I'll just make sure to calibrate it before I step on it to ensure I get a proper weight. Good idea. Done.

So, this morning I wake up at 6:30 as usual (darn bladder) and proceed down two flights of stairs to step on the scale, which is in the basement. I flip on the light and there it is . . . the world's largest scale. I mean, this thing is HUGE! Like three people could weigh at the same time, huge. And, to top it off, it's clunky to move around because one side is heavier that the other. "Oh well," I think, "Maybe I'll burn off a few calories while moving this thing in place."

So I get it to the middle of the bathroom and decide that I need to claibrate it. I look around to find something for which I know the weight. The logical thing is hand weights, but those are upstairs (two flights) and they are in my mom's bedroom. She is still sleeping and I don't want to wake her up. Time to get inventive. I go to the kitchen (upstairs, one flight) to see what I can find. I know that four sticks of butter is a pound so I try that - oops, 2 and a half sticks left. How about a 1 pound tub of cool whip? Darn, someone's been in the cool whip. How about canned food? That should work. I go to the cubbord and find a 1.5 pound jar of speghetti sauce. Eureka! It won't be perfect, but close enough.

So, I treck downstairs (one flight) again to weigh my speghetti sauce. It occurs to me how ridiculious this must look, but I shrug it off. I place the speghetti sauce on the scale and then calibrate it appropriately. Cool. I'm ready to roll.

I step on the scale. Can't see shit. Great. Left the glasses upstairs. So, do I go back upstairs (two flights) to get the glasses or do I just try to figure this out? I mean, I don't want my glasses to ADD weight, right?

Okay, I'm smart, I can figure this out. After all, I just successfully calibrated a scale with speghetti sauce . . .

So, I get off the scale and get a little closer to the read out. It's one of those old-fashioned dial thingies that was done in 4 point font or something that my parents bought when I was like 14. I stopped to ponder this for a moment - why would you put such a teeny, tiny font on such a big ass scale? Is it supposed to make us mad, cry or laugh? My sister would say it's art. It's showing the juxtaposition of something so tiny and graceful against something so heavy and clunky.

Whatever.

Okay, back to reality.

I notice that there are these little tiny marker things that can be moved around the face of the dial. I guess they are used to track progress, although they move pretty easily so I'm not sure how reliable that would be in my house full of cats. I decide that I'll move one of the markers about where I think the hand should land, and then skooch the marker around until it lines up with the hand.

Brilliant.

So, back up on the scale I go. Man, I really have to squint to see the hand and the marker. Imagine if I were 6 foot tall! I see the marker is a little off, so I step off the scale and skooch the marker a bit. On the scale again, quick check, off the scale, skooch, on the sale again, quick check, off the scale, skooch . . . .

I finally get what I believe is alignment. (And I think I may have gotten in some aerobic exercise at the same time).

I bend down to take the reading. Can't see it. So I get a little closer. Hmmmm, still can't really tell. I press my nose up against the glass. Darn it! The marker is wide enough that you can't tell if it's on 192, 192.5 or 193.

Is it time to get the glasses now? Yep.

Upstairs (two flights) to retrieve glasses. Back downstairs (two flights) to weigh again.

Apparently, I need to get new glasses, because I still can't tell if it's 192, 192.5 or 193.

I decide that I'll be conservative and pick 193. After all, that's still a pound and a half.

So, any bets on how many calories I burned while trying to weigh?

Oh crap! I left the speghetti sauce in the basement!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #23: Another Week, Another Half Pound

2006-06-25T07:58:00.000-06:00

06/25/2006

Another half pound gone! This is great since I was on a business trip all last week. I find it VERY difficult to stay on plan while traveling. Just getting in all the water each day is a true struggle. I think that's because I pretty much have to talk the whole time, so I don't shut up long enough to take a sip. (And my hubby wonders why I'm so quiet when I get back from a trip!)

I plan to get back on the exercise wagon this week, now that my "sports injury" has officially healed. Plus, I'm leaving for vacation on Thursday, so I'm super-excited. Of course I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get everything done so I can leave with no worries. Wish me luck!

I met with some fellow NSers for lunch yesterday. As always, it was a lot of fun. I finally got to meet Pam, Fire and Jackie. Jackie is pretty new to NS and it was nice to see someone excited again. I think that helped re-motivate me.

I also got a TERRIFIC compliment on Friday of last week. I was going through the airport security line and I could tell that the TSA official was really comparing ids to faces. I knew I'd get a double-take since I'd been stopped on previous trips, but this time I got a triple-take. He looked at my license, then at me, then my license, then at me, then at my license (this time for a while) and then at me again. Finally, he said, "You've lost a lot of weight. Damn, you're HOT!" He he. I didn't kiss or hug him for saying it, but man, it was tempting. I've been floating on that compliment for a few days now.

Also, I FINALLY heard some news on the job front. It looks like things are starting to fall into place and I should have an offer in the very near future. How bad is that - go on vacation then come back and give notice? Knowing me I'll probably give a month notice anyway because the project I'm working on is SO close to being done. Plus, I don't want to dump the project on my fellow co-workers. I know, I know . . . I'm too nice. Maybe I'll just give enough notice that the guy on which the project will be dumped has a chance to get his vacation in. I'd hate it if he had to cancel it because of me.

Okay, well, I'm off to try and get the 100 things on my list done today. If anyone is bored and needs something to do, holler . . . I can probably find a task for you.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #22: Trying Really Hard to Get Back on Track

2006-06-17T06:57:00.000-06:00

06/17/2006

Literally.

I'm trying so hard to get back on that treadmill track. In fact, to help motivate myself, I purchased some new running shoes and one of those fancy Enell sports bras that everyone is raving about. That did the trick - I managed to get on the treadmill last Sunday and ran part of the way. Felt GREAT! In fact, I was so proud of myself, I decided that I would set a goal to do it at least 3 times per week. (I figured the "you have to do this everyday" voice needed to be shushed with the "it's okay to do it three times a week" voice. More on that in a minute . . .)

When I took off my shoes, I had a HUGE blister on my left heal. OUCH! Now, when I say huge, I mean like it covers the entire heal, huge. I must not have had my shoe tight enough or something. WAH! I tried to give it another go on Thursday, but I couldn't even stand to walk with anything touching my heal - even with several layers of bandaids. So, on the down side, my exercise has been limited to stretching and resistance training (still good, of course) but on the up side I officially have my very first sports-related injury!

Boy, my dad would probably be proud of me that I actually have some type of sports-related injury. But, it's about making myself proud, not my dad. (Nope - not going there today . . . )

So, back to the voices inside my head. . .

I'm a member of the Jazzman's Boardroom, (great support site, by the way. Check out the link on the right.), and there was a post from one of our members that was feeling pretty down on herself and the diet. I could TOTALLY relate to her. It's like you know what you have to do to be successful, but sometimes you just don't want to do it. Some days you just resent the fact that you have to work this hard for what seems to come so easily for others. This is especially hard in my house since my wonderful husband barley weighs 125 when fully clothed, wet, and wearing steel-toed boots.

Anywho, I was reading her posts and the responses. One post in particular caught my eye. Basically, she said that, sometimes 80% is good enough. This really hit me right between my eyes.

I'm very much a perfectionist. Throughout my life I have tried things and quickly given them up because I didn't immediately master them and become the best at whatever it was that I was doing. I can list hundreds of things I've tried, and I won't bore you with the details, but weight loss is definately on the list. It seems like if I'm not 100% on plan, 100% on exercise, 100% on water, a little voice starts nagging me about my shortcomings.

Well, this post got me to thinking . . . yeah, I'm only doing 80% at times, but what if I were doing 0%? I'd be just as big as I was last November, or possibly even bigger.

So, I decided to create a new voice in my head - one that was fun and encouraging; one that could shut the other voice up. The new voice tells me that 80% is a success and that anything above that is that much better. The new voice pushes me in a positive way - "Wow! You lost one pound this week being 80%! Imagine what you could have lost if you were 85%!" and "Wow, you exercised three times this week! Way to go!" The new voice also makes me smile . . . I've given it a valley girl accent, so it's really like "OH MY GAWD! You like TOTALLY lost like one whole pound! Like WOW!" It also says stuff like "Gag me with a spoon" when the office orders in pizza. I know. It's dorky. But it helps me keep a sense of humor about this whole thing.

Okay . . . hearing voices in my head . . .talking like a valley girl . . .

You guys think I'm crazy, don't you?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #21: Serious Lack of Motivation Here

2006-06-10T07:03:00.000-06:00

06/10/2006

I knew it was bound to happen.

I knew the day would come when I would begin to struggle with this weight loss thing.

But, I didn't expect it to show up so soon. I mean, I figured it would start getting hard to lose the weight when I got to around 160 - you know - closer to goal. But, here I am, still 60 pounds away from my target, and the weight is just not coming off. I know, I know - I had a 2 pound loss last week so the half a pound up this week is probably just my body adjusting.

I know that.

But, I miss those days in the first few months where I consistently lost between 2 - 2.5 pounds every week without fail. I honestly believed I would have at least 2-3 more months of that before I hit the yo-yo days.

I talked to Vince about it last night - you know, trying to really evaluate what I was doing and determine if there was room for improvement. There is, of course. I have been terrible on the exercise front. I don't know why . . . yes, I hate the "I need to exercise" tune going on in my head and I can't wait for it to be over when I'm doing it, but if feels great and I'm proud of myself when it's over. For a while there I was really consistent, but once I fell off the wagon I fell hard. I've made some half-hearted attempts over the past few months and have had periods where I did well, but lately - BLAH!!!!!

So, you know me, I started trying to psycho-analyze myself. Why won't I exericse when I know that is a huge key to my success?

Do I really hate exercise? Well, no, I don't hate it, but it's not my favorite thing. But it beats work.

Does it hurt when I exercise? No. It may hurt the treadmill some, but I have good shoes now and a bra that keeps the girls in place when I try to run. Also, the knees don't hurt since I've dropped enough weight.

Do I have the tools available to me to exercise? Yes. No excuse there! Although, I'd like some of those pink Nike running shoes . . .

Do I feel bad after exercising? No. Quite the opposite! I feel GREAT! POWERFUL! ENERGETIC!

Okay, so the act of exercising is NOT the problem . . .

Perhaps I am just scared of losing the weight. There, I said it.

I've been overweight for such a long time, it's part of my personality. I know that statement may sound strange, but it's true. I'm the funny girl that's everyone's friend. I've NEVER been the "hot girl" or the "pretty girl". (I may have been the "cute girl" at one point, but that was long ago.) So, I guess part of me is a little nervous about how that will feel. I mean, I am my own worst critic (who isn't) and I hope that, when I lose the weight, I'll be less self-deprecating. But, what if I'm not?

Think of my weight as my emotional armor. I've always used it as a crutch for blame when things didn't go my way.

Boyfriend broke up with me - it wasn't me; he's a jerk because I'm a little heavy.

Didn't get the promotion/job - it wasn't my qualifications; it's because I'm overweight.

Didn't get the great raise that a coworker got - it wasn't my performance; it's because the coworker isn't fat.

See what I mean?

I guess that, if I lose the weight, I'll be forced to face up to the fact that not everything is about my weight. (I probably need to face up to the fact that not everything in life is about ME, but that's a challenge for another day.) Perhaps I'm just not ready for that?

So, point #1 - need to exercise more.

Let' me refine that a bit.

Point #1 - Make the commitment to exercise daily and DO IT.

Now, the other element is the diet. I've been pretty good on that front, but I've been doing the plan with my own food. I was going to switch to my own food once I got to the 3/4 mark, but I had to do it sooner because it was getting pretty expensive. I kind of feel like a kid that thad their blankee taken away a little prematurely. Basically, when I had the NS foods available, I didn't have to think - pick from bucket A, B, C or D. Also, I could look at the food and see that what was there had to last a month. With it being as expensive as it is, it truly helped me stop any cheating.

Now I find myself thinking about food more, which is usually not a good thing for me. I'm also more likely to cheat a bit because I know I can just run to the store and get some more. And, (this one's a biggie) now that I'm obsessing about food again, it feels like more of a diet that a lifestyle change, and I'm spending less time thinking about all that crap I need to think about to get through this emotional stuff I'm trying to figure out.

So, point #2 - get back on the NS foods as soon as the summer is over. (Our expenses should go down then.)

The final element that Vince and I discussed was my job. I'm a walking stress ball. (Which is a really good reason to exercise, right?) But, in the past I've dealt with stress by eating. So, I'm more tempted to eat the bad stuff than I would be if I was in a less stressful situation.

Point #3 - find a less stressful job. I've been working on this point for a while. If you've been a reader for a while, you know I'm working on something with my former employer. But, it has been 8 months since the first discussion with them, and I'm losing patience. I can't keep my life on hold forever. So, if I don't hear back from them by July 14, (one week after my vacation), I'm officially starting the job search.

So, there it is. Now that I know WHAT I need to do, I need to do it.

With friendship,

Care'

You Know You're Not Spending Enough Time On Yourself When . . .

2006-06-06T07:52:00.000-06:00

06/06/2006

. . . you find yourself shaving your legs in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

So, here's the entire story . . . .

I decided last night that I was going to soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine (and shave my legs). But, the minute I got in the bath I was barraged with questions from the hubby and requests from the kid. Even the cats decided they needed to "watch" me take my bath. (Maybe it was the bubbles?) So, after about 5 minutes of this I decided that a long soak was not in the cards for me, so I did what I needed to do and ended the experience early.

Fast forward to this morning as I'm driving to work. I am wearing capri pants and reach down to scratch my leg. OH MY GOODNESS! I FORGOT TO SHAVE!

Now, this is really NOT that terrible in the grand scheme of things, but I cannot STAND to be wearing shorts or capris and have hairy legs.

I get a brilliant idea . . . I can stop at the store on the way in and take care of things.

So, I pull over at the Wal-Mart, go inside and buy a razor and some Dasani. (I also pick up a few other things so it doesn't look so strange - LOL!)

I go out to my car and, while hanging my legs out the driver's side door, I pour VERY COLD water on them and begin the shaving process. I'm pretty sure that I received many a strange look from passing cars. Perhaps they thought I was homeless?

Anyway, I finish up and, you guessed it, RAZOR BURN. I also managed to cut my left leg pretty badly. So, I fished in my purse and pulled out hand lotion and began the application process. Now, this lotion has some type of perfume in it that smells like . . . well . . . like an old lady. I remember that I had picked it up as a sample on a business trip and meant to toss it out! Add to this the fact that I have pretty sensitive skin . . . and we have major pain on our hands.

So, now we have legs that are ON FIRE, bleeding, stink to high heaven and are covered with burn marks. Sexy, eh?

Perhaps the hairy look would have been better? I mean, did I really think my co-workers would notice? And, if they did, would they have said something? Keep in mind that one of my coworkers has a bag-o-eyeballs on his desk . . .

I started back to work (made it on time, by the way) and started thinking . . . all of this drama could have been avoided if I had simply been allowed 15 minutes to enjoy my bath last night. Since I'm going through my mid-life crisis and am over-evaluating EVERYTHING, I start to think about the other areas of my life where I sacrifice time spent on me. I do it every hour of every day.

I think this may be very common among women. (And I'm sure there are some men out there that do this also, but I haven't met him yet.) Why do we do this? Is it genetic programming that keeps us from pampering ourselves? Or, is it because we have low self-images and somehow feel that we are not worthy of spending time on ourselves?

I don't know what the answer is . . . I'll have to ponder it more. But, I do know that I want to change this pattern of behavior in myself, and I intend to start today.

So, all my friends out there, take time to do something for yourself today, lest you find yourself shaving your legs in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #20 Down

2006-06-03T06:23:00.000-06:00

06/03/2003

I can't believe it! I dropped 2 pounds this week. It has been a while since I've dropped that much. Lately I've had to be happy with a half a pound or a pound, but 2? WOO HOO!

I'm particularly pround because this week has been tough. I mean, like wanting to give up tough. I don't know if it's the job that's getting to me and causing everything else to seem impossible, or if I'm just tired of having to watch what I eat. NS was SOOOOOOOOOO much easier when I was using their food. Doing it with your own food adds an extra layer of complexity. You have to be more aware of what you are eating througout the day versus just eating out of the correct category. But, I am pretty pround of myself that I'm still able to lose while eating regular food.

Part of me thinks, "Wow! 36 pounds since starting NS!" Another part of me things, "Only 36 pounds?" It feels like I've been doing this FOREVER but it has really only been a few months. Lately I'm having to really remind myself that this isn't an overnight cure. I didn't put it on in 20 weeks so it's not coming off in 20 weeks. But, I'm ready to get to the finish line, know what I mean? I know that I'm learning a lot about myself as I go through this and that my body and brain NEED the time, but that driving part of my personality just wants to be done. I'm ready to buy new clothes because I'm sick of having "baggy butt" syndrome. I guess I'm tried of feeling sloppy.

On another note, I have some serious vacation time coming up at the end of the month. Jake and I will be going to Kansas to see my mom for 9 days. Vince is thrilled - he loves having the house to himself - LOL! I can't wait. I really need a mental break and I only seem to get that when I actually leave town.

So, how's everyone else doing?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #19: Another Half a Pound Gone

2006-05-27T08:01:00.000-06:00

05/28/2006

As of today, I have lost a total of 34 pounds on NS. If you add the 6 pounds in I lost before NS, that's 40 pounds.

40 pounds.

40 pounds.

Can you say it with me? "40 pounds."

Geesh. That's a LOT!

That's only 5 pounds less than what my eight-year-old weighs.

How cool is that????

With friendship,

Care'

Week #18: Another 1.5 Gone!

2006-05-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

05/21/2006

I'm happy to report a 1.5 pound loss this week. HORRAY! I'm only 3 pounds away from my next mini-goal.

I had the opportunity to have dinner last night with a few fellow NS members. I met Neil, Denise, Tonya and So for the first time in person and we had a great time. It was so nice to be with a group of people that understand the struggles you are going through, have been through, or are about to face. I normally don't "warm up" to people very quickly, but it was like I'd known these four forever! I hope we do it again soon.

This weekend my big task is to try and remove some clutter from my life. For some reason, I never want to let go of anything, but it's time to move out the old so that the new can come my way. DH better watch out because he may just be one of those old things I toss out - HA HA! I'm just tired of being surrounded by stuff that needs to be maintained and that no longer brings me joy. I guess it's time for a yard sale . .

Have a great weekend, everyone!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #17: Scale Went Up, But I'm Cool With It

2006-05-14T07:47:00.000-06:00

05/14/2006

I weighed in yesterday morning and was up half a pound to 199.5. But, you know what? I'm totally okay. I wasn't exactly 100% on plan last week while I was on my business trip. I did GREAT on exercise, but I didn't do so well with the water. I think I was talking too much to get all the water in - LOL! And, even though I made healthy choices at mealtime, I probably took three more bites than I should have. So, that's why I'm cool with a half a pound increase. I felt like I indulged a bit last week, but managed to pretty much maintain my weight. That tells me that I'm really starting to get control of this eating thing. And, it lets me know that I can lose this weight and keep it off for the rest of my life.

It's funny when you reach this realization. . .

Suddenly, the number on the scale isn't that important. What use to be an opportunity to belittle myself has turned into something as important as looking at a clock - you need to know what time it is, but there's just no use in getting freaked.

Plus, I'm noticing a huge change in the shape of my body. It's almost like those weeks where I was losing very little or nothing at all were the time my body needed to adjust to the weight loss. It is so apparent that even I notice a difference in the mirror. A few people have commented and Vince has really made a big deal about the change. So, how could I possibly be down in the dumps when my body is starting to adopt the shape that it will ultimately become?

Watch out . . . I'm gonna be HOT. LOL!

Oh wait, I am hot already! :)

I've also been reading an interesting book this week called "Burnt Toast" by Teri Hatcher. Now, I'm not a huge fan or anything, but when I picked up the book and read the back, something just spoke to me, so I made the purchase. As I'm reading this book I'm thinking, "My goodness, I could have written this thing!" Sure, there's some stuff that doesn't apply to me, (i.e. the last time I checked I wasn't living in LA and appearing on TV), but her self-image and the rebuilding of her self-image is VERY familiar. She and I share the same views of media's protrayal of women, and she made me look at the whole weight issue from a different angle. I'll warn you, she can become a bit of a potty mouth at times, but it's an enjoyable read.

So, anyway, today marks the beginning of another week. Another opportunity for me to take steps to improve my health. Another opportunity to possitively impact other peoples' lives. Another opportunity to do something wonderful for myself.

Yes, I've turned corney over night . .

With friendship,

Care'

How I Cured my Craving for Chocolate

2006-05-06T16:53:00.000-06:00

It's rare that I post more than once in a day, but this is just too good not to share.

So I'm at work (not getting much done) and I decide it's time for a chocolate fix. There's this one guy I work with that ALWAYS has mini-Reese's at his desk, so I decided to go grab a couple. I know, I know . . . I don't NEED them . . . I WANT them. . .

So, I go back there and, yep, there's the basket of Reese's. I grab two and something on his desk catches my eye. It's kind of strange looking so I bend over for a closer look.

It's a clear bag full of eyeballs (about 30).

I laugh - what a prankster he is - HA HA HA.

I decide that I'm going to mess with HIM before he gets a chance to mess with me! Visions (pun intended) of putting the eyeballs in his desk, on top of his monitor, on his phone, inside empty Reese's wrappers, etc. dance through my head. This will be especially funny because I'll be out of town next week. MMMMUUUUHHHAHAHAHAHA!

I reach out to pick up the bag-o-eyeballs. My fingertips are within millimeters of the bag when I remember . . . my co-worker has a glass eye!

So, I almost played what would have been a REALLY MEAN joke on someone!

Also . . . EEEEEEWWWWW!

The EEEEEEWWWW comes in not because he has a glass eye, but bececuase I almost touched someone's eyeball! I mean, I know glass eyeballs probably feel like marbles, but they look so real that I expect them to FEEL real.

So, after that little "eye-opening" experience, I decided that maybe I didn't want any chocolate after all. I mean, how could I eat with everyone starring at me??????

Here's looking at you,

Care'

Week #16 - ONEDERLAND!

2006-05-06T12:17:00.000-06:00

05/06/2006

Yeah, you heard me.

I'm in ONEDERLAND, baby! And it feels great!

I tell ya, I've been doing the happy dance all day. I feel like I could just shout because I'm so thrilled! Maybe being stuck for those 4 weeks has helped make this sweeter . . . who knows?

Okay, so, next week I'll be traveling to Ohio on a business trip, and I'm worried. I'm not worried about the food, because I know I can handle that . . . I proved it on my last trip when I came back home with a 5 pound loss. What I'm worried about is exercise.

You see, before my last trip (back in February) I had gotten into a very good routine. When I went on the business trip I fell out of it because (a) the hotel we stay at doesn't have exercise facilities, (b) we end up working pretty late because we're with the client all day and have to work in the evenings, and (c) I don't have a DVD player in my laptop to bring along exercise DVDs.

After that last trip I just could NOT get back into the routine. In fact, it has only been in the last two weeks that I've re-established the routine, and now I have to break it again.

So, I'm counting on my blog buddies to give me a good kick in the butt next Saturday so that I'll get back on track.

With friendship,

Care'

Dancing on the Troll Bridge

2006-05-04T12:01:00.000-06:00

05/04/2006

It finally happened!

I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 200 pounds! That is a very major milestone for me and I am so exicited to finally be here. Just a sad little half a pound more and I'm in onederland!

Next mini-goal = 195.

I guess the only bad news is that exercise really IS important! LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #15 - That Scale is MOVING Again!

2006-04-29T07:56:00.000-06:00

04/29/2006

FINALLY!

The scale showed a 2 pound loss this week! WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

I'm now at 201 - just two sad little pounds away from Onederland! And, I've earned my 30 pound bear! I sure had to work hard for that little guy!

With friendship,

Care'

Everyone is Safe Again - LOL!

2006-04-28T18:36:00.000-06:00

04/28/2006

You'll be happy to know that I didn't hit, punch, slap or flick anyone yesterday, despite my burning desire to do so! LOL!

I think I'm going to take Diane's advice and try to establish some boundries. I don't know if it's too late or not, but it can't hurt to try, right? I mentioned to my boss that there was a task on my plate that I felt could be handled by one of my co-workers. I about fell out of my chair when he agreed. I also let him know that I was felling a little burnt out. I know that won't change my workload, but maybe he'll give me some slack. We'll see.

On another topic, I was on The Jazzman's site today and Neil posted this video. I have tears in my eyes, so you MUST check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

How many calories do you think this will burn?

With friendship,

Care'

UGH! Sometimes it's all Just too Much

2006-04-27T10:33:00.000-06:00

04/27/2006

Do you ever feel completely and totally overwhelmed? Lately that seems to be a constant state for me. Work has been CRAZY and there's no sign of it ever letting up. In fact, I'm getting a little sick of working 50 hours a week and STILL not getting everything done and getting beat up for it. I'm in a project manager position for a couple of our clients so, if the work isn't done on time, then I'm the one in the firing line. Then, they call the boss and he gripes at me. He wants to know what I need to make it better, I tell him, but I never get what I need. The truth of it is that we are seriously understaffed and overworked. This is not an exaggeration . . I literally walk in the door on Monday with over 100 hours of work to do each week. How is that possible to accomplish? And, we continue to take on more business. The amazing thing is that we usually get it all done, but at what cost? I see my co-workers burning out and, quite frankly, I think I'm starting to get a little singed around the edges myself.

That's very discouraging for me, because I'm such a go-getter. I love to work hard and take what seems impossible and make it happen. But I'm finding that, the harder I work, the harder I'm expected to work. I find it very difficult to get motivated when I know the tasks are not possible to accomplish and when there is no reward at the end except for more work. I seriously could work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and STILL not be done. And, I'm not really doing anything important! If I were finding the cure for cancer or something I might feel a little less bitter about the time commitment.

It really frustrates me that I need to work all these weekends, too. What about my family? What about ME? I feel guilty if I'm working because I'm not with the family. I feel guilty if I *gasp* take the weekend off because I should be working. My house is a wreak because I don't have time to clean. We almost ran out of underwear the other day because I haven't had a chance to do laundry!

I'm finding it really hard to motivate my team when I want to walk out the door myself. No lie . . . I said to myself the other day "I just want to go home." Problem is - I was still at home sitting in the bathtub getting ready to go to work! That's pretty bad!

I really like what I do, but the conditions under which I'm having to do it just isn't working for me. It's hard to believe that only a week ago I was questioning if it was time to move on. I think I have my answer now - LOL! Now, if only the other job will call! Hopefully I'll hear something soon. The idea of being able to work from home two days a week is so appealing. I mean, I might actually have a chance to wash the underwear . . .

Now, top all of this off with me fretting over my weight and we have a powder keg here. My normal coping mechanism of eating is no longer an option. Fortunately, I've only had a couple of times when I wanted to eat, so I've been able to control that. The problem is that I'm finding that I want to hit someone instead! You know, really sock it to 'em - knock the crap out of 'em! But, I can't do that either. Can I?

Perhaps I should take up boxing?

This is somewhat comical to me since I'm such a non-violent person! Like right now, right this minute, if someone were to come up and ask me a dumb question (which is an hourly occurance) I'd like to just pop 'em one. Even if it was just to flick them with my finger . . .

Okay, now I'm laughing at myself. Could you imagine the look on their face? LOL!

Gee, I feel better now. This blog thing really is useful!

All right, back to work for me since the pile isn't getting any smaller. I promise I won't hit anyone. . . today . . . LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #14: Recommitment Time

2006-04-23T07:26:00.000-06:00

04/23/2006

Did you wonder where I was yesterday? Well, let me tell you . . .

DH decided that it was time to purchase an XBOX 360. Now, you would think that once you purchased the system and a few games, that you were pretty much done, right? WRONG! In order to hook the thing up to our home entertainment system, you have to remove wires, replace wires, move furniture, reposition components, etc. That also meant we had to decide where to put the old XBOX, which meant two other rooms suddenly came into play. Then, to add another element to the mix, DH decided that he wanted XBOX Live.

So, I spent most of the morning learning how to set up a wireless network in my house and going shopping for the necessary equipment. Once I had all that, I had to do some stuff to my PC then start working on all the equipment. DH even had to modify the entertainment center. So, you can imagine how full that day was.

There are two things that will cause DH and I to fight - one is hanging wallpaper and the other is dealing with our entertainment system.

Surprisingly, it went VERY smoothly and no one was called any names. WOO HOO!

Now, you may have noticed in the results section on the right that, once again, I posted no loss. Yep, that's right.

So, I decided that maybe it was time to take a look at what I've been doing the last few weeks and see where there was room for improvement. Right away I recognized that I have not been consistent with exercise. Also, since I had a client in town last week, there were a few meals eaten out. For two of those meals I did NOT make good choices. Also, I have only been drinking the minimum 64 oz of water lately whereas I use to get in 128 oz.

Therefore, yesterday morning was "Recommitment Time." Starting yesterday, I decided that I would:

1. Exercise every morning like I was doing back in January and February.
2. Consume a minimum of 100 oz of water each day.
3. Stick to the diet plan 100%.

I'm tired of being over 200 pounds. Yes, that's still a milestone goal for me, but I've decided to not focus on it anymore. I've decided to look beyond that 200 mark and start focusing on 181, which is the official half way mark. I also told DH to not tie his quitting smoking to my weight loss. I think that may have been putting pressure on me that I didn't need. (Besides, if he wants to quit smoking, then he should do it for himself, not for me, right?) I'll lose the weight with time when my body is ready to, and having those extra "goals" seem to be more of a negative than a positive incentive for me. I'm happier in my body right now that I have been in a very long time and I'm looking forward to getting even happier.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #13: Back on Track

2006-04-15T08:40:00.000-06:00

04/15/2006

I'm happy to report a 1 pound loss this week. I was really hoping to lose another 1.5 on top of that, but, hey, no sense in being greedy, right?

As I mentioned previously, I'm considering a job change. Last week I had lunch with the individual I'd be working for if I were to take the job. (The job is with my former company - same department but different responsibilities). I really like this guy. He reminds me of a previous boss that I really enjoyed working with.

We talked about job responsibilities and everything sounds great. Challenging and interesting with plenty of opportunity for me to grow. In fact, I could probably get my Seibel Certification paid for. We had a brief email exchange about salary and benefits. I mean, I really shot for the stars - not for the moon, because I didn't want to scare them off - but high enough to really get me to consider it. He didn't blink.

This all sounds great, doesn't it? And, it really is! The biggest challenge is that I think I'd feel guilty if I left my current job. I know, I know . . . it's a job. But this company gave me a chance and has paid me pretty well. I get to wear jeans every day, am a team lead, etc. In fact, I'm even being considered for a couple of other positions here. I can pretty much pick which way I want to go.

When I compare the jobs side by side, the new one has a few more perks:

-3 weeks of vacation plus holidays (it's a bank - lol) versus 2 weeks vacation
-AVP title
-Ability to work from home 2 days a week
-Health insurance - I have it now, but not on Vince and Jake. That's an out of pocket expense now.
-Life & disability insurance on me and Vince, as opposed to none.
-401k
-SIGNIFICANTLY less stress.
-No more travel unless it was very unusual.

etc. etc.

I would be giving up:
-Super short drive to work. My current commute is about 12 minutes. It would go up to about 45 minutes.
-Being casual at work. It took a while to get use to, but I sure do like it.

Wow, when you write it out like that it seems pretty obvious . . "suck it up, girl and put on those hose and get in the car!" LOL!

I don't know. I both love and hate my current job, if that makes any sense. It's extremely hectic and crazy and working 80 hours a week will never get the work done. Sometimes that's very exhilirating. Other times it's a big pain in the butt.

Okay . . . so . . . poll time . . .

Current Job?
New Job?

I put my fate in your hands! :)

Care'

The 200 Pound Troll

2006-04-09T10:20:00.000-06:00

04/09/2006

Yesterday I mentioned that the 200 number may be giving me a scare. After some reflection, I think that really may be true.

You see, when I was younger, I remember thinking that I'd NEVER allow myself to reach 200 lbs. That, if for some reason I hit the 199 mark, I'd immediately get myself on track and drop the weight. I envisoned this scary little troll standing at the 200 lb bridge guarding it.

At some point in my life, 200 came and went. I believe that point occured when I was pregnant. Prior to getting pregnant I had lost weight and went from 186 down to around 160. When I found out I was pregnant, I gave in to all those temptations and put on 60 lbs. Pregnant women are supposed to be fat, right? I do remember that, while I was pregnant I truly felt good about my body for the first time in my life. It's like I gave myself permission to be fat.

So you see, during my pregnancy I came up to the 200 lb bridge and decided that the troll wasn't that scary after all. In fact, I belive I enjoyed a nice dinner of pizza and cake with him. He let me pass, of course.

After delivering Jacob I managed to get down below the 200 lb point again, but, since I had fond memories of a great meal with the little troll, I found myself visiting that place often. 202, 198, 204, 196, 208, 195, 210, 190 . . . .

I managed to travel pretty far past that bridge, reaching the 238 point. At 238 I didn't like how I felt. I didn't care so much about how I looked, but I hated the fact that I was tired all the time and couldn't go up a flight of stairs without my heart racing.

I think I blindly traveled from 200 to 238 by constantly reflecting on how my life SHOULD have turned out. I should have married the guy I dated in high school . . . I should have taken that job at the law firm . . . I should have finished my Master's degree . . . you know how it goes. All those "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that make you feel like a failure in your current situation.

I think the first trigger that made me stop from going past 238 was our house fire back on December 18. We were extremely fortunate that we were able to put the fire out ourselves and had only minimal losses, but it still disrupted my life enough to make me think about what I had and where I was. Yes, we don't have a fancy house and we don't drive fancy cars. But, we live in a great neighborhood with wonderful neighbors and a terrific school district. Yes, I have to work for a living as opposed to being a stay-at-home mome, but we don't go hungry and aren't constantly worried about money.

As I kept reflecting on all of this "stuff" that we adults reflect on from time to time, I realized that, if I didn't get control of my weight, then I would be in big trouble health-wise. As I started to lose the 6.5 lbs I would ultimately lose before joining NS, I still found myself thinking about how different my life could be if I had made different decisions. I actually got quite obsessed in trying to track down old friends and boyfriends to see if their lives were better than mine.

Pathectic, isn't it?

It was on a drive home from work one day that I realized what I was doing, and thus began what I'm referring to as my mid-life crisis. Yes, it's early to have a mid-life crisis, but I'm an overachiever.

So, some time in mid-January I realized that I had allowed other people - whether in my life now or in my life previously - to dictate my journey. I decided that I wanted to be in charge. In was around January 14th that I started NS as a way to take control of my health.

With some newfound spunk and a growing spine, I started my journey to return home to good old 135. I was excited. I was motivated. Nothing was going to stop me.

About three weeks ago something started to feel "off". I found myself not following the plan 100%. I found myself not exercising. I found myself eating a little more than I should. I never ditched the plan completely - just did enough to say I was 90% on plan - that's still an A, right?

Now that I've hit the 204 mark, I realize that I'm nervous about the 200 lb troll. Yes, my previous visits have been pleasant, but I don't think that will be the case this time. When I meet him he will offer me pizza and cake, and I'll refuse and have celery and carrots instead. When I ask him if I can pass, he won't let me because he will see in my heart that I will never come back to visit him again. I know there will be a challenge. Will I be able to meet the challenge head on and pass? Will I be strong enough to fight if I have to?

So, here I am today. I've made it to 203.5 and am within walking distance of the 200 lb bridge. I'd like to get to 201.5 because that's an even 30 lbs, but that's so close to the bridge that I know the troll might see me. Part of me wants to run to the bridge and face the challenge head on. Part of me wants to go back to 210 where I was more comfortable.

I know I will face the troll. I must. I just need to figure out how to meet the challenge head on and succeed.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #12 Results: The Big Zero . . .

2006-04-08T07:09:00.000-06:00

04/08/2006

Well, it was bound to happen . . . a week with no loss.

SIGH.

I knew the day would come when the scale would mock me with the same number as the week before. I know that the day will come when it will (GASP) show me a larger number than before. I guess I just didn't expect it to be so soon. I figured I'd get down to around 175 before this happened.

SIGH.

Okay, so, time for the Polyanna in me to come out . . .

1. I didn't GAIN!
2. I managed to maintain my loss even though I wasn't 100% on plan.
3. I managed to maintain my loss even though I didn't exercise all week long.
4. I didn't GAIN!
5. I still lost inches.
6. I was able to wear an an outfit yesterday that I haven't worn in a year.
7. I didn't GAIN!
8. I received two separate compliments this week on my appearance.
9. I didn't go completely crazy with extras this week despite a pretty rough week.
10. I didn't GAIN!

Okay, so now I need to get up off my butt, put on my workout clothes and hit the treadmill . . . and drink all that water . . . and not eat the extra stuff . . .

SIGH

Okay, time to face the Evil Care' . . .

How come I know what I'm supposed to do but I don't want to do it? Is it possible that being under 200 scares me? I haven't been under 200 lbs in 9 years, and that was after I had been on Phen-Fen and lost a lot of weight. So, if you exclude that brief 3 month period where I was at 160, it's been since 1995 that I've weighed under 200.

I honestly think I'm dreading hitting 200, because that's been such a huge milestone for me. What it basically means is that, once I hit 200, I will have to begin the journey down to my ultimate goal weight. So, from 231.5 to 200 was only 31.5 lbs, and that sure seemed doable (and has very much been doable). But something about going from 200 to 135 sounds so insurmountable. That's 65 lbs! Plus, consider that I've been thinking of changing my goal from 135 to 131.5 to make it an even 100 lb weight loss.

Okay, I realize I'm being a big whiner here.

I realize that I can break up the weight into more manageable "chucks".

I realize that I'm being 100% ridiculious.

But, for some reason, I'm having trouble getting past this.

What that usually means is there is some emotional demon I am about to face and, to be perfectly honest, I just don't want to face another one right now. The last few have left me drained and the thought of going through that again - all the tears, all the doubt, all the pain, makes me just want to EAT. I know I'm a better person having faced those issues, and I know I'll be even better after I face whatever it is that's about to come, but I'm scared, I guess. After you've been through one of those life-changing experiences and you look back on how you use to be, you get kind of disgusted - how could I have thought/felt that way?

I just don't want to THINK right now . . .

SIGH.

So, hold on folks, the next few weeks are gonna be a bumpy ride.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #11 Results: Some Stats

2006-04-01T07:35:00.000-06:00

04/01/2006

Ready for some exciting stats?

Another 2.5 lbs gone!

Another mini-goal met!

Total loss of 27.5 lbs!

BMI has dropped by 4.7 points!

2.5 inches lost in bust!

5 inches lost in waist!

.75 inches lost in arm!

3.75 inches lost in thigh!

4 inches lost in hips!

Wow! Am I thrilled or what? Nothing like some great stats to fuel you for the long haul! I am so excited to be within 4 lbs of the 200 mark. Vince promised me that he would quit smoking once I hit 199, so I'm super-motivated to hit that goal ASAP. If I keep dropping 2.5 lbs every week like I have the last few weeks, then that's only 2 weeks away.

Today we are celebrating Jacob's 8th birthday, and tomorrow I have to work all day :(. So, this weekend will be a busy one for me.

I'll write more later when I don't have an 8-year-old standing next to me saying "Can we go, now, huh? huh? Can we go?" LOL!

With friendship,

Care

So, Where Have I Been Lately?

2006-03-28T16:47:00.000-06:00

03/28/2006

You may have noticed I haven't been posting as much lately. Nothing bad has happened, it's just been so busy. It seems like today has been the first day I could catch my breath in a very long time.

I've been working a LOT of hours the last few weeks and we're in the final stages of development on a piece of software for one of my clients. Plus, I had the client on site last week which pretty much meant I had two shadows for the entire week.

So, what's new with me?

1. Jacob turns 8 today! I cannot believe he is 8 already! He was so excited about this birthday that, when I woke up this morning, he was already dressed for school and had already eaten breakfast. Tonight we will let him stay up until 9:00 so he can watch TWO episodes of Star Trek! LOL!

2. We have adopted a stray cat. We've had Alley (get it - Alley Cat?) for about a week and she is now in heat! So, I'm a bit sleep deprived as she is constantly howling. Fortunately, we have a spay appointment scheduled for April 7th, so the end is in sight. I now have 4 cats . . . does that make me the "cat lady?"

3. I've completely switched up my ebay business. Well, let me rephrase that . . . my ebay HOBBY. It was just getting so competitive making children's clothing that I decided to go back to what I love - quilting. I think I've found a way to incorporate my love of quilting into accessories. My first item was a bag that went for around $40, so I was pretty pleased. I also changed my business name, so you can imagine all the work that comes with that (business cards, labels, website, yada, yada, yada).

4. I'm thinking of changing jobs. Yep, you heard me. This is a big one for me. I have a 2nd interview with my former employer on April 10th. The position is for a new job they are creating. It's a technical position, which I find I prefer. (I use to do marketing for them.) So, even though I haven't been offered the job yet, I'm already fretting over the decision. I like my current job a lot, but I am tired of being run ragged. And, with the issues we have with Jake from time-to-time, I think it would be better if I were more available as a parent. Of course, changing jobs would mean I'd be taken off the fast track, which is why the decision is so tough. Stay tuned for more info on this.

5. I'm still going through the mid-life crisis thing, although it's starting to feel less like a crisis and more like an awakening. I'm finding that things just don't bother me the way they use to. I still need to resolve some issues with my Dad, but I still don't think I'm quite ready to face them yet. A few months ago I felt like a 9-year old around him. Now I would say I feel more like I'm 15 - angry and defiant rather than hurt and needy. So, I guess that's a good sign that I'm maturing in that relationship. I did have a dream a few days ago that he died before I could resolve our relationship, which really got me down. So, I'm seriously considering just dropping him an email to say hello. I honestly don't think that he feels anything is wrong with our relationship, but I do, so I'd feel really guilty if I missed an opportunity.

6. As you can see from previous posts, the weight loss is progressing nicely. Yes, I would like it to occur faster, but 2.5 lbs a week is AWESOME! I'm struggling with boredom more than anything, which is why I think I've failed in other diets. At least with this one the food is already here staring at me and I hate to waste money. I really am trying to view this as a lifestyle change and start thinking about the days when I will go off of pre-packaged food and start preparing my own, healthy food. But, some days that view is hard to obtain. Practice makes perfect, right?

So, there's a brief update on what I've been up to lately. Pretty boring, eh?

With friendship,

Care'

Time for Show & Tell

2006-03-26T16:18:00.000-06:00

03/26/2006

Okay, I know I've been promising for a while to get some pics posted, but every time I take pics of myself I go into this spiral of depression . . . "I'm not really THAT big, am I?" (Um, yeah, you ARE!)

Well, yesterday I had Vince take some pics and, while I'm still a big girl, I do see a difference. And, these pics only show a 16.5 lb change! I do not have any pics of me at my max weight of 238 or my beginning NS weight of 231.5. For so long I've avoided the camera like a bad date.

So, here they are! I really notice a difference in my face (down to 1 extra chin - LOL) and in my back and behind. I notice a slight difference in the tummy, but that's always been where I carry the bulk of my weight.

So, what do you think? Do you see a difference? Please say yes! LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #10 Results: Milestone Goal Reached

2006-03-25T08:14:00.000-06:00

03/24/2006

Oh my! I am absolutely thrilled this morning! When I weighed in this morning I hit the 206.5 mark. That means I've met my first milestone goal of a 25% total loss! That also means I owe you guys some pics! So, when Vince decides to drag his behind out of bed, we'll get shooting. I am definately noticing a difference, so I hope you will too.

Wow . . . 25 lbs gone. On one hand that sounds like a lot, and I guess it is. On the other hand, it doesn't sound big at all. Here's what I mean . . . by losing only 25 lbs:

1. My energy level is higher
2. I feel healthier
3. I've dropped 2.5 jean sizes
4. My hair, skin and nails are stronger and shinier
5. I feel sexier
6. I feel more confident

Now, isn't that a lot of great stuff for only 25 lbs?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #9 Results: Back on Track

2006-03-18T07:32:00.000-06:00

03/18/2006

I'm happy to report a 2 lb loss this week! That means I've surpassed my mini-goal of 210 and am racing towards 205. I'm so close to being under 200 . . . it almost doesn't seem possible. On one hand I feel like it's taking FOREVER to get there, but then I'm stunned that I've dropped 22.5 lbs in only 9 weeks.

206.5 is my first milestone goal. That will put me at the 25% of weight lost mark. At that point I think I'll be ready to post some before & after pictures.

Jake spent the week and Grandma's & Grandpa's for spring break, so it's been very quiet around here. Vince and I haven't been quite sure what to do with ourselves! We miss him a lot, but we have enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I do have a little victory to share. I decided to go shopping for jeans yesterday. The jeans I have now are really getting embarassing. I broke down and ordered a pair of 16s off of ebay, and those are already getting a little baggy, so you can imagine how the 18s are looking on me. Well, I decided to try on the 14s. Well, you know what, they are a bit tight BUT I could zip and button them AND they didn't have elastic in the sides! WOO HOO! I cannot WAIT until I can wear jeans without elastic again. So, I placed a bid on a pair of 14s on ebay again. By the time they get here I should be able to wear them comfortably. Buying the jeans off of ebay has been really great. I hate to spend a lot of money for jeans that I'll only wear for a few weeks - know what I mean? I think I've had those 16s for 3 weeks now and think I'll only get another 2 more weeks of wear out of them.

Okay, I've rambled enough this morning. It's time to wake up the hubby and start enjoying the weekend. Have a great one!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #8 Results - Another .50 lb Bites the Dust!

2006-03-11T08:56:00.000-06:00

03/11/2006

Well, I have to say I'm not estatic about a .50 lb loss, but I'll take it. The last couple of weeks have been tough on the old diet. Week #7 was an emotional roller coaster with Jake, and it took every ouce of resolve I had to not drown my stress with food. This week has been the opposite - I haven't been eating much at all. We have a lot going on right now at work with tons of code due in a very short period of time, so I've been working extra hours this week. I think I hit 40 hours by Thursday at 8:00 a.m. So, I was doing well with breakfast and lunch, but dinner was being skipped. I only got in a few of the desserts this week too. It seems so strange that eating very few calories (I'm guessing I was eating less than 750) would cause your body to hold on to the weight, but it is so true. I also wasn't performing 100% on the water intake and the exerice went out the window.

So, starting right now, today, this very minute, I'm back on plan 100%. In the last couple of weeks I've missed having that great energy level and the feeling of being able to take on the world. I want it back! LOL!

Here's to a great week!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #7 Results - 20 lbs Gone!

2006-03-04T08:53:00.000-06:00

03/04/2006

Well, it's been another successful week on NS, despite the extra stress I've had to deal with. Yes, it was only a 1.5 lb loss, but I'll gladly take it! I've officially hit the 20 lb lost mark and it feels wonderful. This past week I've received a lot of compliments, so people are definately noticing the difference. I keep catching Vince staring at me! LOL! I guess I'll have to fight him off with a stick when I reach my goal weight.

My big plans for the weekend include sewing, sewing and sewing. I really need to be at work because we are so behind, but I think a relaxing weekend may be better for my health. Have a wonderful weekend!

With friendship,

Care'

Update on DS

2006-03-03T11:03:00.000-06:00

03/03/2006

We visited the alternative school on Tuesday. I think it was a good thing. Jacob seemed to respond well to the director and seemed to understand what would happen to him if he continued to misbehave in school. Also, Jacob realized that he did NOT want to go to the alternative school. So, I guess time will tell if he truly wants to behave or not.

In the meantime I decided to take him to his doctor for an ADD/ADHD evaluation. My thinking was that the doctor would say "no, he doesn't have it" so I could get the school to stop treating him like he has a problem. (Sometimes I think they give him too much sympathy, so he gets away with stuff he shouldn't). Well, I was stunned when the doctor came back and said that Jacob needs to be evaluated by a pediatric neurologist. Crap. I figured the worst that would come out of his mouth was "yes, he has ADD / ADHD and we should put him on X and see how he does." Then, DH and I would have to decide if we wanted to do meds or not. Now there's a whole other layer added in that has me feeling very frustrated.

Darn it. I want to EAT.

You know, I just want to do the right thing for my kid, and I'm just not sure what that is right now.

Care'

The Stress Eating Monster is Trying to Get Me!

2006-02-27T18:47:00.000-06:00

02/27/2006

Yikes, the last few days have been a true test of my willpower. I haven't posted about the challenges we're having with our son, because, well, I'm just embarassed, to be quite honest. But, I'm at the end of that proverbable rope and am having trouble making any decisions anymore - good OR bad. I do know that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) has really helped me to clarify some things and has allowed me to view them in a new light.

We've been having issues with my son (7 years old) in school. Really, the problems have been around since Kindergarten - not paying attention, getting into fights, hyperactivity, etc. In Kindergarten the behavior only occurred from time to time, so we figured he would outgrow it. In 1st grade it was a constant battle. His teacher and school principal suggested that we have him tested for ADD/ADHD. I immediately started researching ADD/ADHD and tried the natural remedies to deal with it. We had great success by simply modifying his diet (removing sugar), and the number of times we would have problems descreased.

2nd grade has been up and down. Every day I go to work hoping and praying that my cell phone won't ring. We got off to a rough start, then everything was fine for a while. Since Christmas break, however, it's been bad again. I've even gone so far as to ask the school to do emotional, psychological and physical testing on him in order to ensure he's A-okay. Who knows, maybe the fire we had back in December affected him in some way? That's been the only major "event" in our lives.

So, I have this bright, loving, intelligent little guy (his school work is very good) who has periods of time where he seems to completely lose control. His behavior can best be classified as aggressive. We've noticed that the aggressiveness is usually caused by frustration. He doesn't get his way, he doesn't understand the assignment, he doesn't think something is fair, a kid won't play with him, etc. Unfortunately, because of his "record" he has been suspended from school again. (2 times this year; 1 time last year). Tomorrow the school is making us take a tour of the alternative learning facility - i.e. the place where the "bad" kids go. I guess the tactic is to scare him straight. (Which, if he truly has an emotional/psychological problem, how will this help?)

I'm devistated, angry, upset . . . you name it.

First of all, I do NOT condone the way my child has been behaving. However, I am just a little bit upset that the school feels like this is the next step - especially when I asked them just 2 weeks ago to begin the evaluation. Also, I discovered that he had been getting sugar again at school, which he is not supposed to have. It usually takes 3 weeks off of sugar before we see an improvement in behavior and it's only been 2 weeks. So, 2 weeks ago when I met with the school I felt like we had found a possible source of the increased bad behavior and had a workable plan to help him be successful. But, now because he was aggressive toward another student on Friday we have to tour this other learning facility. (Before you think something too bad, he and another kid hit each other).

I know the school is frustrated with him - hey, so are we! I also understand that they need to ensure they are providing a safe learning environment for all the children that are there. But, I feel like they've already written him off.

Part of me wants to pull him out of public school and put him in private school, but if he can't cope in public school what makes me think he'll be able to in private school?

Another part of me wants to home school him. DH and I took a very hard look at the finances this weeknd - even considered filing bankruptcy, but the bottom line is that we just cannot afford to do it and I cannot bring myself to file bankruptcy (maybe it's all those years as a banker in me). Plus, DH doesn't want to home school, so how could that be successful? I applaud all those parents out there that do this, and I think my kid would benefit from it, but I think the parent that is doing the teaching has to believe in it and be dediated to it. I'd do it, but there's even less of a chance of us affording life than if DH were to quit his job.

Then, another part of me just wants to leave him in public school and hope for the best. He's getting a great education (we're in a wonderful school district) and he needs to learn how to deal with frustration and stress at some point - right?

The stress is starting to take a toll on my marriage. In fact, I told DH I would give him a divorce if he wanted it. No sense in both of us being balls of stress all the time, right? Plus, I've put DH through enough hell with my fear of abandonment and difficulty in receiving and giving love. I'm getting much better on that front, by the way, and our marriage has never been better! But, I see what this kid-stuff is doing to my DH. He doesn't smile anymore and he seems so angry. I don't want him to be angry and stressed. He deserves to be happy. And, my son deserves a happy home.

We talked and we're not getting a divorce (DH says I'll never get rid of him that easily), but I think it was still a good discussion nonetheless. He agreed to try and be more positive at home. Plus, he told me that, if he did leave, he would still be stressed and worry about his son as much as he does now and that he would be miserable without me on top of that. I was surprised by this statement. When my mom and bio-dad divorced, it felt like I was forgotten. Now that my mom and step-dad (who I consider my dad) are divorced, I feel forgotten all over again. It never occurred to me that DH would give our son a 2nd thought if we parted ways. Am I screwed up or what?

So, today I took the evaluations that I had DS' teachers complete in the past to his doctor, and we have an appointment on Friday to determine if he does have ADD/ADHD. Now, I do not believe he does, and I'm willing to bet a pretty penny that his doctor will say that he does not have it. But, maybe if I can prove to the school that he doesn't have it, they will back off of it. Sometimes I feel like they don't hold him accountable for his behavior because they think he can't help it. And, by the time the teachers try to get him under control it's too late. My kid is pretty manipulative - we caught him practicing crying at age 3!

I know, I sounds like I'm going back and forth, and I probably am. I'm a frustrated parent who wants the best for her kid, is tired of worrying all the time and is trying to find the key to getting her kid to behave without putting him on drugs. (I know that some parents have had great success with ADD/ADHD medications, but I'm sorry, I just won't put my kid on them.)

So, from a diet standpoint I've been very good about not eating when I'm sad, happy, despressed or stressed about work, but this kid thing is really taking its toll. I've had a migraine all day today along with an upset stomach and have pretty much just wanted to eat and cry. Of course, because DS is suspended today I'm home with him, so his presence has kept me honest. But, I'm really battling right now. My kid is more important than my waistline. I don't want to eat, but I need to calm down so I can think clearly again. Yes, eating that cheeseburger will not make me think clearly, I know that. But, at least I'd have only one argument screaming in my head instead of two.

And just when I thought I was getting all this emotional eating under control!

sigh

With friendship,

Care'

Week #6 Results

2006-02-25T14:53:00.000-06:00

02/25/2006

I'm back from my business trip and am happy to report a 2.5 lb loss! I truly am surprised that I lost because it was a struggle trying to eat healthy during dinner time. It wasn't so much that I was tempted as it was just plain difficult to find something on the menu that fit into the plan. I guess I did better than I thought! I was prepared to see the scale move up and decided that I would be thrilled if it stayed the same. I literally did a double-take this morning when I saw the scale move downward.

So, that means I've beat yet another mini-goal and am racing towards my next one of 210!

With friendship,

Care'

I told you it would be a better day! :)

2006-02-21T22:22:00.000-06:00

02/21/2006

I re-read my post from Sunday and, man, do I sound like a whiner or what? I guess that's part of life - ups and downs; highs and lows. I do know that I'm glad I wrote about what I was feeling instead of trying to mask it with potato chips and ice cream. One step at a time, right?

Yesterday was a travel day for me for my business trip this week. I believe I mentioned before that I had my hair cut and completely changed . . . and my face is noticeably different (I can see cheekbones now and I only have 2 chins instead of 2 and a half). Well, airport security felt that I did not look enough like my id so I required further inspection. I was too excited about no longer looking like that girl on my license that I didn't mind the inconvenience. So, that was a nice "upper" after my major "downer" on Sunday.

This week is my first week where I'll be trying to stay on plan without the food. I did pack breakfasts, lunches and desserts so that I'll only be tempted during dinner. I think I did really great last night. We went to Abuelo's and I ordered the vegetable fajitas. Man, they were GOOD! Tonight may have been a different story, however. We went to PF Chang's. I got the lettuce wraps appetizer after reviewing the menu for a while. I ate more that I should have, but I didn't clean the plate like I normally would. When I got back to the hotel I checked the nutrition information online. Yikes! It was a bit high in calories! Hopefully I didn't go over by too much since I skipped my afternoon snack. When I weighed before I left town I had hit my mini-goal of 215, so I'd like to be there or lower when I get home.

So, all in all the last couple of days have been better. I am enjoying having heat in my hotel room, my heat at home should be restored by the time I return, and I'm enjoying some well-deserved alone time.

With friendship,

Care'

Identity Crisis

2006-02-19T09:44:00.000-06:00

02/19/2006

I had Vince take some more pics of me yesterday so that I can chart my progress. Unfortunately, every time I have him take pics, I look at them and become immediately depressed. For so long now I have avoided being in any photos and, if I am forced to be in one, I do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

What I see when I look at those photographs is a fat, out-of-shape, ugly person. What I see when I look in the mirror is a young woman who's on the heavy side but is pretty cute. So, who's telling the truth? The camera or the mirror?

Or, do I have some sort of internal mechanism that "taints" my view of myself in the mirror so that I will actually step out in public every day? Maybe I've built up some sort of defense mechanism for the mirror because I have to use it every day?

Then, to add insult to injury, I decided to flip through the latest Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog. I design clothing and accessories, so I told myself that I was doing it for research - what's in, hot colors, etc. But, after I finished flipping I only had a couple of new ideas but a whole lot more depression.

Before I knew it, I wanted to EAT and I wanted to CRY. I didn't eat. Instead I made Vince and Jake get dressed and we all went bowling. (I stink at bowling, by the way. Jake beat us all!). I thought that getting some activity in would help lift my spirits. It did, for a little while.

When we returned home I was once again faced with the shambles of my house. It's such a mess and will be for a while until all the repairs are done from the fire. I don't have a super fancy house, but I like it to be clean and organized. When you have a table saw and air compressor in your living room and sheetrock in your bedroom, it's not clean OR organized. I was standing there thinking "I don't see myself correctly and this is not my house, who in the heck am I?"

I decided to take charge because I knew I had to get out of the funk I was in or else I'd be heading for the ice cream. The first thing I did was toss the Victoria's Secret catalog in the trash. Well, Vince went to take out the trash, noticed the magazine, and said, "Hey, I haven't had a chance to look at this yet." I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. Vince was dumbfounded. Lately he's had this confident, energetic wife who's been fixing her hair, wearing more makeup and dressing nicer that's suddenly turned into a blithering idiot. I would have felt sorry for him if I weren't upsent about him wanting to look at the magazine.

Okay, guys, before you blast me . . . I know it doesn't mean anything when you look at stuff like that . . . or . . . to state it another way . . . you guys think it doesn't mean anything, and maybe it doesn't - to you.

But, for some women, it does mean something to them. For me, when I look at a magazine like that I see a body type that I will NEVER be. I'm not 6 foot tall and under 125 lbs, and I will never be that because I haven't figured out a way to grow another 8 inches. I know that about myself and I'm okay with it, but it hurts when the hubby shows an interest in shapes like that. It makes me feel like I will never be able to make him happy.

I realize I am being incredibly shallow here, but this is all part of why I'm as heavy as I am and how I am wired. If I don't talk about it, I can't deal with it, right?

Of course, Vince and I are fine. He hugged me, told me he was very proud of me and was in this with me for the jouney. He realizes I will have up and down days as I deal with my weight and the deep emotional issues that are the cause of the weight. He said that I can lean on him when I just don't have the strength. Of course, that made me cry more! LOL!

So, what's the point of the post? I'm not really sure it has one. As I've been going through all of this emotional stuff and watching the scale drop, I'm being forced to see myself in a new way. I like some of the things I see and I don't like some of the other things I see. I'm not yet really sure what to do about the things I don't like, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I do know that I don't like my appearance and that IS something I am working on and IS something that I'm making great progress on.

In the meantime, I've decided to only take 3 more sets of pictures. I have the ones when I began and I'll take a set at 24 lbs lost, 48.5 lbs lost, 72.5 lbs lost and at 96.5 lbs lost (goal). Maybe the difference of 24 lbs will be more noticable than the ones I took yesterday.

Here's to a better day.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #5 Results

2006-02-18T06:01:00.000-06:00

02/18/2006

The results are in and I've lost 1.5 lbs this week. That puts me at 215.5 with a total loss of 16 lbs! And . . . I'm only .5 lbs away from my mini-goal.

Remember I was telling you about my pants getting too big? Well, I ordered a pair of size 16's off of ebay last week, and then worried that they wouldn't fit yet. When I got home from work yesterday they had arrived, so I decided to go ahead and give them a try. The whole time I'm getting ready to try them on I'm psyching myself up . . . "they may not fit yet, but that's okay" or "if you can get them past your hips that's a great accomplishment." Imagine my surprise when I found that, they not only fit, but they are already a tad too big!

So, being super-excited, I decided to try on an old pair of 14's that somehow survived the last Goodwill sweep. I pull them on, they went past my knees . . . they went past my hips . . . they went up to my waist! I couldn't button them, but it felt great to get that far. I figure another 5-7 lbs and those jeans will fit too!

On another front I believe I had mentioned that pizza is one of those foods that I really, really miss. Well, my uncle and one of his employees have been at my house the last few nights installing our new heating unit. Vince called me before I got home to let me know that he had ordered pizza for the crew and to give me time to build my resolve. I got home and the pizzas arrived a few minutes later. I let the guys eat (including Jake) hoping they would eat it all, because I knew that if there was one little sad pepperioni left, I was going to have it. Of course, there were a few slices left.

I thought about it for a few minutes and decided that I wanted to eat some pizza. I did some self reflection to make sure . . .

Do I want the pizza because I had a bad day? No.
Do I want the pizza because I am feeling down? No.
Do I want the pizza because I don't feel like cooking? No.
Do I want the pizza because it will somehow make me feel better? No.

Why do I want the pizza? Because I want to enjoy the taste of it and because I am hungry.

So, I decided to have some. I ate it. It tasted good, but it wasn't great. In fact, it was a bit disappointing. (I think my taste buds have changed). A few minutes later I felt extremely bloated and tired. I ended up dozing off at 8:00 p.m.!

I'm glad I ate it because it now no longer has any "power" over me. I don't miss pizza one little bit now, so that is a temptation I will never have to worry about again. Now I need to get over the power of a Whataburger with Cheese and Jalepenos!

I'm so exicted and pleased with my results so far. I can't wait to see what the next 5 weeks hold!

With friendship,

Care'

Getting so close . . .

2006-02-15T16:01:00.000-06:00

02/15/2006

I weighed this morning and I'm down another 1 lb, so only 1 more to go until I reach my next mini-goal of 215. 215 has been the weight I've actually admitted to! Something about 215 is so exciting. I think it's because I've lost 15.5 lbs in 4 1/2 weeks, so I could potentially weigh less than 200 in another 4 1/2 more! That would put me at under 200 by March 20.

I am so happy I have decided to take charge of my weight as well as some of those other issues in my life. It's been an emotional experience with highs and lows, but I feel so much more empowered that I have before.

As part of the ever-evolving me, I treated myself to a rather expensive hair cut last weekend - took off about 5 inches. I now have short hair! It's amazing how many compliments I have been getting. I guess that hair was weighing me down too. I am doing a follow-up appointment on Saturday to get some hi- and lo- lights added in, so that should be fun. It feels so decadent to actually treat myself. I normally take care of everyone else first.

I know I still need to post some before pics, but I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet. I'll get some recent pics as well so you can see the new "do" and my progress so far. I'm not sure how noticable a 14 lb loss will be, but if feels noticable to me.

On another front we're getting close to having heat again. I don't think I've mentioned this, but our house caught on fire back in December. It turned out that our heating unit is what caught on fire, so that and all the duct work had to be removed. Our house had fir downs, so that also meant that the ceilings had to be removed in order to remove the duct work. It's been quite a journey, but all the duct work is finished and the new heating and A/C units were delivered yesterday. They will be installed over the next few days. I thank the Lord that my uncle does this for a living and has been so generous to do everything for us at cost. Our insurance check barely covered the duct work, much less the units and ceiling repairs. I'm also very fortunate that Vince is a master carpenter, so we've done all of the work ourselves. (Hey, I help . . . I bring him his hammer and a Pepsi when he needs it!)

So, I'm getting close on a few things -
-Close to meeting my next mini-goal
-Close to onederland
-Close to having heat again
-Close to having my house back in order (it's a construction zone right now!)
-Close to resolving some "stuff" that I've avoided for a very long time.

Take care!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #4 Results

2006-02-11T08:23:00.000-06:00

02/11/2006

I'll keep it brief today since I wrote a novel yesterday - LOL!

I lost 5 lbs this week! After losing only 1 lb last week, I wasn't expecting such terrific results! From what I've read on the various boards, it appears that week #3 is pretty tough on some people, so include me in that crowd. For those of you in week #3 or where week #3 is coming - just hang tough!

Wow - 14.5 lbs gone. That's amazing! I was talking to my mom the other day and she said that 7 lbs is a dress size. So, that means I should be down 2 sizes. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

I did the Billy Blanks Basic Boot Camp last night . . . or maybe a more appropriate thing to say is it did me! LOL! That's the first exercise video I've seen where the people being filmed are sweating their butts off. I only made it through about half of it (30 mins) and I had to march in place through some of it, but it was fun. I knew I was getting a work out. At one point you had to do push ups. I was thinking "oh boy, here we go," but I managed to do about 15 out of 20. Of course, they are the ones where you are on your knees, but a month ago I wouldn't have been able to do one.

I also picked up a speed jump rope for when I travel. (I have a business trip coming up the week of the 20th.) Since I can't take my treadmill on the plane and the rooms don't have DVD players, I wanted something that would help me get a bit of a workout in. I did the jump rope yesterday morning, fully expecting to fall on my face, but I actually managed to do it. Jake was impressed!

All right . . . I said I was going to be brief. I guess I lied!

Next mini-goal is 215. I'm only 2 lbs away.

March 20th goal is 200. With the 5 lb drop I had this week that means I need to lose about 3.2 lbs each week for the next 5 weeks. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but that sure seems do-able.

With friendship,

Care'

A Great Week and Some Serious Self Reflection...

2006-02-10T08:32:00.000-06:00

02/10/2006

I checked my weight this morning, and am down to 218.5. That's 3.5 lbs this week and I still have one day to go before my official weigh-in! Holy Cow!

I've been a pretty good girl this week on the exercise. I decided to start getting up around 5:30 a.m. so I could get my workout done in the morning. I managed to do that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, but today I slept through my alarm. I picked up Billy Blank's Tae Bo workout yesterday, so I'll probably do that tonight to make up for not getting up this morning. Jake (DS) says he wants to do it with me, so that should be a sight to see! I'm still waiting on my bellydance DVDs to arrive. I wonder if Jake will do those with me??? I wonder if his dad will let him . . . . LOL!

On another note, I think I'm going to have to break down and buy some new jeans! I was hoping the ones I own would last me until I hit 200, but they are literally falling off of me. I look like an old man pulling up my pants all day. I did find a pair of jeans in the back of my closet that I haven't worn in a while. I pulled them out and tried them on assuming they would still not fit. I was so happy that they did. They feel really good too! But, I don't think one pair of jeans will get me through an entire week. My job is super casual, so I wear jeans everyday. I may have to pull out some of my former banker attire to get me through.

I did pick out my reward prize for when I hit 200. It's the SIRIUS S50 radio. You can check it out at www.sirius.com. Vince has been wanting satellite radio for a while and I've been whining for an ipod, but I don't want to have to download music all the time. This seems like a great solution. (I found out about the radio from Bob. If you haven't checked out Bob's blog, I encourage you to do so - www.thisbobsworld.blogspot.com. I really enjoy his writing.) I also plan to get Vince a SIRUS radio for his truck for his birthday. That means I need to lose 18.5 lbs by March 20th. That's just under 4 lbs a week, which may be a bit aggressive. So, V's b-day present may be a week or too late - LOL! I normally don't like to set goals like that . . . I prefer to do 5 lbs increments, but we'll try it and see how it goes.

Speaking of 5 lbs goals, I've obviously met my 2nd mini-goal of 220 and am now racing towards my 3rd mini-goal of 215. I think it's been about 4-5 years since I weighed 215, and it sure seems strange that getting to that weight is exciting. I mean, 215 is STILL a whole lot of Care' to love. But, I'm in this for the long term . . . it's in the journey . . .it's in the journey.

As an update on the mid-life crisis thing . . . I'm still going through it. I'm at that stage where you evaluate all your current relationships and activities and decide which ones to keep. I've ended a few already. Amazingly I feel a lot better already. There is one very important relationship in my life that I still need to figure out . . it's with my Dad.

As background, my biological father and mother split before I was two years old, and my mom remarried when I was around 2 or 3. So, my step-dad is who I consider my Dad. I do have a good relationship with my bio-dad now, but he's not my Dad. Do you know what I mean? Besides, there was a long period of time where my bio-dad wasn't in my life at all. I understand why and I'm completely okay with it now, but it did have an affect on me in my youth.

My relationship with my Dad has not been good since he and my mother split. To be fair, it wasn't really that great when they were together either. I think it was like I was my Mom's kid and my sister was my Dad's kid. Well, flash forward a few years and I've figured out that I have a huge fear of abandonment. I'm sure that stems from my bio-dad not being around and then my Dad being distant. I know now that that is why I eat like I do. I guess I figured that if someone did abandon me, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat rather than the fact that I was a pain in the butt.

As you can imagine, this has created some serious issues in my marriage. I think I've spent most of my marriage trying to test my husband to see if he would leave. He hasn't yet, and now I'm convinced it won't be easy to get rid of him - LOL!

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what to do about the Dad situation. Since my grandmother died, I have been pretty much excluded from him and his family and feel like I've been treated like an outsider. Now, whether or not that is intentional, I do not know. What I do know is that every time I am excluded, every time I am introduced as "Jack's step-daughter," every timee my sister is held up as the great and wonderful child, it breaks my heart. I don't see myself as the step-daughter at all. In fact, my sister didn't arrive on the scene until I was 9, so I kind of feel like I'm the first child, not the first step-child.

As a parent, I'm not really sure how you could love one child more than another. . . I never could. But, I think I'm starting to understand how some parents may favor their own biological child over an adopted or step child. It sure isn't fair for the kid, but I think I can at least come to terms that it is possible.

So, now that I've rambled on . . . here's the dilemma. At this point, I've pretty much stopped communicating with my Dad. Now, I haven't told him that I've ended the relationship and there's been no big blow up or fight or anything like that. I'm simply stepping back from the relationship for a while to get my head on straight. This has been going on for a few months now. I've realized that I still feel like a 9-year-old kid when it comes to my Dad. I want Daddy's love, affection and approval and when I don't get it, I respond like a child.

I'm hoping that by taking the break, I can grow up emotionally so that I can deal with my Dad as an adult rather than as a child. As I've been doing all of this self-reflection, I've realized that he and I are very much alike. We're both driven, we both work hard, we are both career-minded, neither of us show love and affection very well, and we both tend to "go silentt" and retreat in conflict. So, you have two people that love each other that (a) don't know how to express it, (b) are probably afraid of expressing it, and (c) choose to retreat rather than addressing the issue.

I don't expect my Dad to change, and I don't want him to. He and my sister have a wonderful relationship so, obviously, she gets what she needs from him. I do expect me to change, and that's where I'm struggling. I guess now that I am no longer an emotional eater, I'm having to face some stuff in my life that I've avoided for a very long time. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like my eyes are constantly burning from all the tears I've shed lately, but it has been very healing.

I do know that I want a relationship with my Dad, but I want to be in the relationship as an adult and not a child. I think I may be at the point where I'm a teenager in the relationship, so at least I'm making some progress. Some days I want to call and talk to him so much it breaks my heart, but I know that if he doesn't say the right thing or if I interpret something wrong, I'll run away, (see - teenager behavior!)

Now that I've rambled on and on and on . . .

This "stuff" has been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't ready to share it yet. Now that I've written it down it feels good. Kind of like "Hello, my name is Care' and I'm an emotional eater."

I know there are other emotional eaters out there. If you are reading this, know that you are not alone. I am proof that you can overcome it. Yes, I still struggle, especially in very stressful times, but I'm taking it one crisis at a time.

With friendship,

Care'

Victories!

2006-02-07T12:22:00.000-06:00

02/07/2006

I have some wonderful victories to share:

1. I've lost 10 lbs! That means I've earned my first NS bear.
2. I've lost 3 inches! WOW!
3. I can pull off my jeans without undoing them - LOL!
4. My energy level is through the roof!
5. My DH has noticed a difference in my shape and energy level.

WOOOOO HOOOOO!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #3 Results

2006-02-04T08:16:00.000-06:00

02/04/2006

Week #3 is over and I lost 1 lb. I was really hoping to lose 1.5 so I could hit the 10 lb mark, but I had that problem with the Yo-Yo scale this week - LOL! But, hey, I'll take a 1 lb loss. That means I've shed 9.5 lbs total!

I do have a little victory to share. Yesterday my office bought pizza for everyone. My office is right next to the conference room where the pizza party was held and it was TOUGH! I contemplated taking my celery and carrots into the room so I could eat with everyone, but decided that would be pushing the temptation just a little too far. So, I sat at my desk, listened to music and tried to focus on work. It wasn't easy, but I did it!

I was so proud of myself that I managed to survive that experience. I knew pizza would be tough for me as it's one of my favorites. If I can pass on that, then I can do anything!

With friendship,

Caré

Yo-Yo Scale

2006-02-02T12:43:00.000-06:00

2/1/2006

Did you know I have a special scale? I sure do! It does tricks and everything!

As you probably know already I weigh every day. Well, this week (week #3 on NS) my scale is taking on a new trick. One day I'm down 2 lbs, the next day I'm up 3. The following day I'm down 2 again, and then up .5 the day after that. GRRRRRR! :)

I know that body weight fluctuates and that it's perfectly normal. I also know my body is trying to adjust to the 8.5 lb weight loss.

I know that . . .

But I want the scale to go DOWN! LOL!

So, I weighed this morning and I'm down to 222. FINALLY, the scale started to behave again . . .

-1.5 lbs more to go to reach 10 lb loss
-2 lbs more to go to reach my next mini-goal of 220

With friendship,

Care'

Weekends are Tough!

2006-01-30T12:12:00.000-06:00

1/30/2006

So far I have been very good on my diet - almost perfect (I would give myself a 97% - LOL), but I'm finding that the weekends are the hardest. Maybe it's because I'm not on a set schedule or maybe it's because I'm preparing food for my DH and DS that I can't have . . . but getting through the weekend without falling off the wagon is tough!

I was also feeling down this weekend. I think taking the "before" pics did it for me. I'm so frustrated with myself for allowing me to get this way and for being in complete denial about my health and weight for so long. What else am I fooling myself about?

I calculated the number of weeks it would take to reach my goal assuming a 2 lb per week loss, and it's 44 weeks. Wow. I really wish I could flash forward and see myself in 44 weeks - that would be great motivation. 44 weeks sounds so long, especially when you think that not every week will be 2 lbs. But, as I always remind myself, I didn't put it on overnight so it's not going to come off overnight, no matter how much I want it too.

I guess I'm feeling a bit down right now, but I'm not giving up - I REFUSE to give up!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #2 Results

2006-01-28T12:21:00.000-06:00

1/28/2006

Today officially starts week #3 on my weight loss journey. When I stepped on the scale this morning I found I weighed 223 - that's a total loss of 8.5 lbs! I was feeling really great . . .even started my work out program today which consisted of resistance training and walking on the treadmill.

I enjoyed the high for a while when DH reminded me that I needed to take my "before" pics and measurements. (queue tragic music here)

I pulled out the tape measure and took my measurements - YIKES!

Then, I had DH take pics of me - front view, back view and side views - DOUBLE YIKES!

Even though I'm down 8.5 lbs and only 1.5 lbs away from my next mini-goal, I'm kind of feeling down. WHY DO I NOT SEE HOW BIG I AM WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR? Is it my brain's way of allowing me to leave the house every day? UGH!

But, this blog is about my journey and to keep me accountable. So, I'll be posting the pics today. I sure hope they don't scare you away . . .

So, let's focus on the positive here . . .

-I lost another 1.5 lbs
-I'm down 8.5 lbs total
-My clothes feel looser
-My energy level is higher
-I completed my first workout this morning
-I'm drinking all my water
-I'm following the plan 100%

It's in the journey . . . It's in the journey . . .

With friendship,

Caré

No More Waiting

2006-01-27T16:12:00.000-06:00

01/27/2006

Okay . . . so you know how I've been going through a mid-life crisis lately? (At least that's what I think it is - LOL!) I realized something yesterday. I have been putting my life on hold.

For example, I've always wanted to learn how to do X or Y, but I never have bothered because of my weight. I constantly tell myself that I'll do that when I lose weight.

WTH?

Sure, I don't look good in a bathing suit and I would not be willing to bellydance in public, but why can't I do those things now? And, who knows, maybe doing some of those things will help the weight come off. (Yes, I know this seems obvious . . . and I feel pretty stupid for just now figuring it out. I guess the blinders I've had on about my weight have affected other areas of my life as well.)

So, as part of embracing this new and ever-improving Care', I decided to start doing some of those things on my list that I've been putting off. The first thing I'm going to do is take up bellydancing. Now, I'm not ready to take a class yet and I'm certainly not ready to perform for others, but I can start the learning process in the privacy of my own home. And, when my new body is here, I WILL be ready to show off my new skill.

Some other things on my list include:
-Go swimming IN PUBLIC during the summer. I use to love swimming as a kid and I miss it.
-Learn how to scuba dive. I've always wanted to do this.
-Go skydiving. Just once should be enough, but it's on the top 10 list.
-Take trips. I love going to topical places, but never do b/c of the whole swimsuit issue.

There's definately more stuff on the list, but that's a good start for now. I've ordered my bellydancing DVDs and finger cymbals, so as soon as they arrive in the mail - WATCH OUT!

Oh, and I did mention to Vince that I was taking up bellydancing. He's quite excited. . . LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

7 lbs Gone! Mini-Goal Met!

2006-01-26T09:55:00.000-06:00

1/26/2006

I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I'm down to 224.5! That means I've met and passed my mini-goal of 225, and have lost a total of 7 lbs! I am so thrilled! I feel better, my clothing is loose, and I'm more energetic! For the first time in a very long time I'm not feeling depressed.

2006 will be my year, baby!

Watch out 220... I'm out to get you next!

With friendship,

Care'

Day #10

2006-01-23T12:56:00.000-06:00

1/23/2006

Today starts day 10 of the NS program. I am very pleased with my results so far and am proud of myself for how well I'm doing. Last night was a bit tough b/c DH and DS has pizza. It didn't LOOK very good, but man, that smell was getting to me! LOL! I was able to refrain, though, but it was hard.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching during the last few days. I'm not ready to share much yet, but the wheels are definately turning. For now, let's just say I'm evaluating some relationships in my life that may need to be let go. More on that later.

Take care and have a wonderful day!

With friendship,

Care'

End of Week #1

2006-01-21T17:13:00.000-06:00

1/21/2006

Well, today is the beginning of week #2 on the NS program. So, how did I do for week #1???

I lost 5 lbs!

I am sooooooo excited! I am only 1.5 lbs away from my first mini-goal!

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

With friendship,

Caré