Time to Get Cracking

10/29/2007

Yep, it's been a while.

The baby is here - my little girl turned out to be a boy! Michael is five weeks old and is a full-time job! I have a separate site for Michael - you can check it out at http://www.thelittlewarrior.com/.

It's time for me to get back into exercise, diet and blogging. I've missed it. Especially the exercise. I will admit that I have NOT missed the diet - LOL - but that's a big part of the overall strategy to be healthy, right?

My first official weigh-in will be on Sunday, so I'll start posting my weight and measurements then. I have a general idea of where I am and it's depressing. I hate that I'm going to have to regain some previously conquered ground, but what can you do. I was preggo after all, and I did have a c-section, so it will take a while to get the stomach back to where it was. Heck, it will take a while to be able to run again. (My two-mile walk a week ago put me back to bed for a day due to pain).

I'm m0stly upset about how much ground I've lost in regards to running. I hadn't gotten very far with the biking and I doubt I've lost much swimming-wise, but man, I was really getting good at running. My hope is that it won't take me a year to run a 5K again. There's a race scheduled for 12/1, but I know that's just not possible. Maybe I'll shoot for the one mile fun run and start training for the 2008 season.

Sigh . . . it feels like I'm starting over again. But I know that's not true. I just need to get my head back in the game.

Wow! Where Did That Month Go?

04/10/2007

I can't believe over a month has passed since I last posted. Especially with all the stuff I've had on my mind lately! LOL!

Let's see, a quick update on the last few weeks. . . . maybe this will explain my absence . . .

1. Went for a bike ride a few weeks back. Fell off. Twice. Hurt my left leg. Walked funny for a few days. Vince took bike away.

2. Decided to work in the yard a week or so later. Mostly stayed in the flower beds, but pushed it too much. Hurt right leg. Walked funnier.

3. Decided swimming would be safer (& would work out some soreness). With the extra weight I've gained (9 pounds so far) and it all being in my stomach, my balance was thrown off. Felt like I was going to drown! Vince took swimming away.

4. Woke up on Friday morning with bleeding. Rushed to the doctor's to ensure it wasn't a miscarriage. It wasn't. I had a polyp that had to be removed (benign, thankfully) but that put me on the couch for a few days.

5. Went for a nice, easy walk (knew I couldn't jog). Twisted my ankle. That cleared up in a day or so. Vince took walking ALONE away. (I think he's planning to follow me in the car.)

6. Decided to work in the yard again. The gutters needed a good cleaning. Fell off the ladder. (Vince doesn't know I fell off the ladder - shhhhh!).

7. Being a glutton for punishment, I decided to work in the yard again the next day. Found a lovely patch of poison oak, to which I am allergic. Broke out on arms, legs, stomach, back, face and chest. Jake got it all over his face and upper body. This took us out of the game for about two weeks. I still have spots everywhere and some itching, but it is getting better.

So, as you can see, I'm a clutz naturally, and adding the pregnancy factor has made me more of a clutz. Vince has threatened to cover me in bubble wrap and tape me to the couch. Maybe that's a good idea. . .

But, I'm going a bit stir crazy. A year ago you couldn't pay me to get off the couch. Now I hate sitting on the couch. I want to be outside training! (So see, you CAN get to the point where you like exercise. I'm proof!)

On the eating front, I haven't been so good. As much as I want to maintain my healthy diet while pregnant, my cravings are out of control. Also, I feel like I'm starving all the time. Ugh. The good thing is that I KNOW I will lose the weight again. I would just prefer to minimize the weight that I HAVE to lose again.

On the baby front, I'm getting there. Yeah, I still have freak-out moments, but I am starting to get excited. It helps that I have a sonogram about every four weeks. Something about seeing that little guy/gal move around just tugs at my heart. My next sonogram is scheduled for 4/16. At that point, I should know if we are having a boy or a girl. So, stay tuned!

How's everyone else doing? Since I'm confined to the indoors now, I'll try and post more often.

With friendship,

Care'

Been Gone for a While . .. Here's Why

Background - I found out about four weeks ago that my husband and I are expecting our second child. We're thrilled, but it has taken me a while to adjust to the idea. I posted this on the NS Shrinker's Blog. Because it was such an honest post (the most honest I've been with myself lately) I thought I should share it here.

-----------------------------

The last few weeks for me have been terrible on the eating front. I'm talking McDonald's, Taco Bell, you name it . . . all those places I said good bye to over a year ago.

Now, I know I'm pregnant and am eating for two. But, did you know you really only need an extra 300 calories per day when you're pregnant? Not exactly the extra 3000 I seem to be craving . . .

So, why am I eating this way? Why am I tossing out all the good habits I've learned?

Well, after responding to Crystal's post about there being some emotional issue that's not being addressed, I realized that's what's going on here. The truth is this pregnancy really threw me for a loop. I mean, Vince and I were DONE . . . know what I mean? Our son will be nine this month - not exactly grown, but old enough that he's getting independent and parenting is getting somewhat easier. Also, I've lost all this weight and it breaks my heart that I'm going to have to tackle it again. And, I had to give up my race season. I had even applied for corporate sponsorship but had to withdraw. So, my dreams of competing in my first triathlon have been delayed a year.

I know I sound selfish. And you know what. It IS selfish. On one hand I'm thrilled that we'll have a new baby to bless our lives. I look forward to meeting him/her and watching him/her grow up. After all, my first one has been a blast. On the other hand I'm a little pissed. I'm pissed because, for the first time in my life, what I did was about me. Now I'm having to put myself on hold again. It's like I was given freedom from all those emotional issues that were dragging me down and given a taste of the fresh air and the blue sky. But now the warden is back to lock me up again. "Oh, no. You're not free yet."

So, what have I been doing? I've been eating. Instead of admiting my feelings I've been stuffing my face. Instead of embracing the challenges as new opportunities, I've been drowning my sorrows with cheeseburgers.

I miss feeling energetic and healthy. Just three weeks of poor eating has left me lethargic and grumpy.

Damn it. That's it. No more. I deserve better. My unborn child deserves better.

I haven't lost myself. I've just had a change of plans. A GOOD change. One that will bring me tons of joy and another reason to be healthy.

-----------------------

With friendship,

Care'

Week #55: BLAH!

02/04/2007

The last week has been crazy. Between traveling and Jacob being sick (and out of school for the entire week), I feel like I got nothing accomplished. I ate terribly and did about half of my planned training, so it's no surprise that the scale didn't move. Hopefully this week will be back to normal for me.

Off to task number 407 for the weekend - a birthday party!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #54: I'm in the 170s Now, Baby!

01/27/2007

YEEEEE HAAAAAAW!

I'm in the 170s! Yeah, it's 179.5, but it still counts!

I reviewed my history the other day and it appears that I spent 21 weeks in the 190s and 14 weeks in the 180s. I'd like to only linger in the 170s for 7 weeks. I think it's doable. I'll just have to focus a bit more.

I was counting calories the past month or so and decided to give that up. It was making me obsess about food again and causing stress. I know that obsessing about food is NOT a good idea for me. So, it's back to the bascis. Bottom line is, I know what to eat when & how much, so I just need to roll with it. I also know that with the training I'm doing that my body wants more calories. I'm trying to get in tune with my body during my endurance training, so it only makes sense to do the same thing with food.

Hmmm . . what a concept . . listen to your body for hunger rather than your emotions . . .

Last night I mentioned to Vince that, while the weight is coming off slowly because I'm not both 100% on exercise and 100% on food at the same time, (I tend to do one or the other), it IS coming off. And, the most important thing is that I don't feel deprived. Yeah, sure. I would like the weight to come off faster. But, I know if I adopt that "all or nothing" mentality again, I'm doomed.

The other thing I realized is that I'm actually enjoying training, and I think I figured out why. I no longer "exercise". I "train". What's the difference? With exercise the goal is to just burn calories. With training, the goal is to get fitter, stronger, faster and to reach a goal. So, my tip for the day is this . . . if you are having trouble exercising, try training. LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #53: Just . . . One . .. More . . . Pound . . .

01/21/2007

I weighed in at 180.5 today - a new all time low. Just one more pound and I'm in the 170s.

You know, it seems like it's getting harder and harder to drop the weight. I don't know if that's because I've lost so much that my body is now fighting me. Or, it could be all the training I'm doing where the muscle I'm building is hiding the weight loss. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm trying to just stay focused. I know I still have weight to lose - I can look at my stomach and see exactly where it is going to come from. I do know that my stomach is my stubborn area too. Even when I was at my lowest weight I still had a small pooch of a belly.

Who knows . . . maybe it's a factor of all three.

It just seems like I've been working toward the 170s for so long. But, I do remember it seemed like I'd never get to the 180s or even below 200, but I did.

Just stay the course . . . just stay the course.

You know, weight loss is an endurance sport.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #52: One Year Gone

01/14/2007

Today is my one year anniversary on NutriSystem. To date, I have lost 50 pounds with NS for a total of 56.5 pounds. I still have 46.5 pounds to go in order to reach my ultimate goal, but I am firmly beyond the half-way point.

It feels great.

Some things I've learned in the last year include:

1. I am an emotional eater, and I will always be an emotional eater. I've managed to conquer eating when I'm happy, sad or angry, but I still struggle with stress and boredom. My plan is to conquer these this year.

2. The small steps really do count. In the past I had always focused on the big picutre - exercise for 30 minutes, lose 100 pounds, etc. I've learned that small, measureable goals work for me. I still keep my mini-goals of 5 pounds. I still tell myself to "just get on the treadmill or bike for 10 minutes." Now those 10 minutes turn into an hour.

3. A support system is the best thing you can have. Whether it's online support, family support, etc., it is a critical element to success. It helps knowing someone is on your side and is looking out for you. It also helps to have someone to talk to in those moments of weakness. Having been such an independent person all my life, this was a tough one to accept. But, I've found that this lesson has spilled over to other areas of my life in a very positive way. I no longer think that I'm the only one that can correctly complete a task. This has gone a long way toward making work more enjoyable and reducing my stress level.

4. There are more ways to measure progress than just a number on the scale. Sure, at first this was the ONLY measure. Now I use actual measurements, how my clothes feel, what my energy level is and how much stronger I am. I've learned that the scale can only report weight. It cannot differentiante between fat versus muscle. It cannot tell you that that extra pound today was because of a little extra sodium yesterday. Which leads me to my next point. . .

5. Tracking everything you eat is critical. I've found that when I stop writing everything down, I tend to wander off plan. That wandering ultimately leads to disappointment. So, I write everything down - good and bad. Sometimes I write down what I'm planning to eat to see if I really want to eat it. This has stopped me in my tracks several times.

6. 100% is perfect, but you don't have to be perfect every day. With my perfectionist personality, this also was a tough lesson to learn. 100% perfect on exercise and eating leaves no room for error or for life. Let's face it . . . There will be birthday parties. There will be special dinners. There will be drinks with the friends. There will be times when you get the flu making exercise impossible. The trick is to not beat yourself up with life gets in the way of your perfect plans. Some people can do this. I found it very difficult. So, instead I strive for 90%. This leaves me plenty of room to deal with life and still feel positive about my nutrition and exercise plan. (This has also spilled over into other areas of my life, making me and my team more productive at work.)

7. This is not a diet. This is a lifestyle. And, fortunately, it is a very "do-able" lifestyle.

8. I still haven't learned everything. For the first time in years I've found that my mind is open to new possibilities. After all, if somthing that would never work has, then what else have I dismissed as impossible? It's almost being like a kid again. I'm trying new things and enjoying the heck out of it.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #51: Oh So Close . . .

01/07/2007

I am so close to leaving the 180s behind me FOREVER. I was hoping to meet that goal prior to the new year or even this week, but sometimes it just doesn't work the way you want. I'm sure I'll nail it this week.

I've been lax in keeping up with everyone's blogs because, quite frankly, it was all I could do to keep myself motivated. As I've started to read them again, it seems like I was not the only one that faced challenges during the holidays. Also, it seems like a lot of us are happy for the fresh start and excitement that the new year brings.

I remember where I was this time last year. I was looking at all those NS commercials wondering if it would work for me. I was looking at my budget to see if I could afford to do the plan, and weighing that against the cost of NOT doing the plan. I was searching the Internet to find reviews. I was trying to decide if I would tell Vince what I was thinking. After all, I had failed a LOT of plans in the past.

By this point I had lost 6.5 pounds from my all time high of 238. (At least, 238 was the last time I'd checked a scale, so who knows.) I lost 6.5 pounds from November of 2005 until the first of January 2006. It was coming off, but it was a constant battle. I needed something different - something radical - from what I had tried in the past.

I remember thinking that all diets are just going to fail and perhaps I should just do the surgery. I spent a few days researching the surgery and found out that I was actually too small to qualify based on my BMI. I seriously considered gaining another 15 pounds so that I could qualify.

Surgery is a big step, and one that I wasn't ready to take. So, instead I decided that I would do ONE MORE diet plan and, if that failed, I would go under the knife.

Over the next few days I worked and re-worked our budget to see what we could do. I finally told Vince what I was thinking. I'm not sure why I had hesitated to tell him. He said, "If you think it will work for you, and you want to do it, then you should try."

Try.

For the first time in my life I decided to approach a diet with a "try" attitude instead of a "do" attitude. Now, I know what you're thinking . . . "That doesn't make sense," and for most people, you would be right. But, I think the big reason diets had failed me in the past was because I had an "all or nothing" approach. If I was 100% perfect, then I was happy. If I slipped and went off the track by eating off plan or missing a workout, I was furious. My fury generally resulted in my giving up and eating anything that wasn't nailed down. So, "try" was a good approach. After all, I was convinced it wouldn't work for me anyway.

I placed my order and then went into that 3-5 day period that occurs between THE ORDER and THE ARRIVAL. I was both excited and terrified and immediately second-guessed my decision. Of course, all that anxiety led to eating. How I managed to maintain the 231 I had gotten to is beyond me.

My food arrived on January 13th, and I started the plan on January 14th.

Next Sunday is January 14th - one full year since I began.

Next week I'll reflect back on my one year anniversary with NutriSystem . . . so stay tuned.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #50: Happy New Year

01/01/2007

Wow. Another year has come and gone.

I love this time of year. All the holidays are over and the tempting food is gone. And, it's the first day of a "do-over" or a "do-better."

In the past I've avoided making resolutions . . . especially if they had anything to do with my weight. But this year is different. While last year I focused on getting started on the weight loss journey, this year I resolve to finish it. I also resolve to mark some of those "to dos" off my list. So, here's my 2007 list:

-Lose the rest of the weight - 48 pounds
-Compete in a sprint triathlon
-Compete in at least two 5Ks
-Complete in at least one 10K
-Improve my swimming technique
-Build cycling distance
-Finish working on the house

Okay, that should keep me busy.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #49: Week 49 and 49 Pounds Gone with NS!

12/24/2006

How bizarre is that? I've completed 49 weeks on the NS plan and have lost 49 pounds. Part of me is impressed - that's 1 pound a week! Part of me is pissed . . . if I had stuck to the plan 100% and had lost around 2 pounds a week, I'd be done.

Oh well. I can't go back and change what I did in the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future, right? Besides, there's been a lot of other crap to deal with besides just the weight.

The really cool thing is that I hit 182.5 this morning. I've finally broken the 185.5 mark! I am determined to get to the 170s before the end of the year, and I am oh-so-close!

Let's see . . . If I have 47.5 pounds to go and I stick with the food & exercise plan 100% . . . and if I average a 1.5 pounds loss per week . . . that would have me finished by the thrid week of July. If I go aggressive and do 2 pounds per week, then I'll be done by the second week of June. If I keep my current pace of 1 pound per week, then I'll be done by Thanksgiving next year.

Hmmmm. . .

Okay, I've decided. June it is. LOL!

Now, back to some more serious stuff . . .

This week was my first full week on my triathlon training program. I did really well. I managed to get back in the water for the first time in about 20 years. Yeah, that first day was a little freaky, but I survived. When I went back on Friday I was much more comfortable and didn't end up sore at all. I've even signed up for a swimming class to make sure my techique and form are correct.

The other day Vince came home to find me with my goggles on and my head in a pot full of water working on my breathing. Of course, I was so focused on what I was doing, I didn't realize he was standing there. I'm not sure how long he watched me, but I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm certifiable now. Oh well, just wait until he sees what I have planned for today . .

I am getting more comfortable on the bike. Of course, I use the term comfortable very loosly. The legs feel good and I'm working to not put my weight on my wrists (my carpel tunnel syndrome won't stand for that!), but the seat is, um, well, it just freaking hurts. After riding for about five minutes I have no feeling in my nether-regions. (And, yes, I'm wearing cycle shorts!) I know this will resolve itslf in time with plenty of practice.

I'm also working to increase my running to a 12 minute mile. I know, I know . . . that's still pretty slow. But, I remember when I worked down to a 20 minute mile, then a 17, then a 15. So, for now I have 12 in my sights and will soon be aiming for 10.

That's how this whole thing works, isn't it? Just one more minute, one more mile, one more lap, one more pound, one more day.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #48: Heads Back in the Game Again . . .

12/18/2006

You know, after about six weeks of not being serious, I finally have my head back in the game. I finally realized that I was feeling pretty down about the holidays, which had me turning to food for comfort. At one point I realized I wasn't eating blindly like in the past, but that I was eating the crap on purpose. WTH? It was like I was DECIDING that I was going to eat poorly, and actually went to the store to buy the stuff. Geesh!

Yesterday I was really evaluating the situation and trying to determine why I was doing this to myself. My husband asked if I was sad about the holidays. "Of course not," I said. "It's freaking Christmas! Everyone is happy!"

As those words tumbled out of my mouth I realized how angry they were, and the light bulb clicked on.

Yep, I was feeling down about the time of year. Why? Because I don't have a freaking family, that's why.

Since my MaMa died I pretty much don't have anything to do with my Dad or his side of the family. (This is my step-dad who raised me.) It's like when she went, I just "lifted out." They all get together and have a great time, but I'm not invited. It pisses me off. Also, my bio-Dad has disappeared (again).

Yes, I still have my Mom and my sister has recently come back into my life. I am also extremely fortunate that my in-laws love me as one of their own. But as a girl with daddy issues, this time of year leaves me feeling pretty down.

I know I need to confront the situation, but I'm just not ready yet. And, I also know that, if I do confront the situation, that I may learn about stuff that I'm not yet ready to hear.

But, back to the point of this post. After the light came on, I decided that I would just be pissed off and eat what I want until Jan 1. I mean, why beat myself up if the food was making me feel better?

But, you know what? The food wasn't making me feel better. My energy level has plumeted and my stomach has been "off" the last few weeks. I've been more apt to lie on the couch than go for a walk. I remember being like that all the time and thought it was normal. Now that I've had a taste of what life can be like, I don't want that any more.

I decided that I could either be angry, or I could have a good holiday in spite of the situation. After all, I do have a son and he deserves to have a happy Christmas like I did at his age. He still believes in Santa and I know those days are numbered. I have six neices and nephews that are all younger than my son, and seeing them tear through their presents is a thrill. Remember how that felt when you were that age?

I decided to have a GREAT holiday season - damn it! :)

Once I made that decision, suddenly the "diet and exercise" thing didn't seem so bad. I even attempted a new exercise video yesterday, but didn't make it too far since my stomach was upset. But, at least I got my butt off the couch and on the weight bench for a change.

So, here I am . . . all in the Christmas spirit now. It's driving my husband crazy. HE HE, this will be more fun that I thought.

HO! HO! HO!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #47: Reflection

12/10/2006

Today is my birthday. I'm 37. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm quite depressed about being in my late 30s. Well, maybe depressed isn't the right word. I'm freaking pissed.

I feel as if I have slept the past 10 years of my life and only started waking up 11 months ago. It's really only been 6 months since I've felt like my own person. Now, here I am ready to take life by the horns, and I'm almost 40. Not that I think 40 is old, but let's face it . . . you just can't do at 40 what you could do at 20.

Here I sit wanting to run a marathon, do an Ironman, travel the world . . . and I feel like I'm running out of time. Damn, I wish I hadn't spent the last 10 years sitting on the couch eating crap.

Ah, regrets . .

The "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that I try to avoid . . .

I guess the good thing is that I did wake up before I hit 40 as opposed to before I hit 50 or never at all. The thing is that I'm back to battling my food demons again. This week I'm back down to 185.5, but I should have lost more. I increased exercise and was doing perfect on food, but Thursday came around and I blew it. For some reason I still feel the need to eat crap when I'm not feeling happy. Looking back I think my upcoming birthday had me blue, but I didn't realize it at the time. So I ate. I ate a lot. And no, it wasn't veggies.

So, I still have this emotional eating problem that I need to deal with. Damn it, will I ever conquer it?

Time to take this anger on a nice long run this morning. See you soon.

With friendship,

Care'

Time to Quit Dorking Around

12/03/2006

I was looking at my results for the month of November and they clearly show that I am futzing around and not being serious. I've been totally rocking on the exercise front, but I've pretty much been going over on calories. I haven't been making terrible choices like I've done in the past - just eating too much of the stuff I can have. Basically, it's like I'm doing my maintenance plan instead of my weight loss plan. While it is nice to know that I can maintain my weight without having to write down every bite and just using what I've learned, it is NOT nice to know that this is the weight I'm maintaining. I need to quit dorking around. After all, I have another 50 pounds to lose. That's still a lot of weight and I'll never get it off at this rate.

So, some key decisions today -

1. Write everything down that I eat. I find it's harder to cheat when every bite is accounted for.

2. Start weighing every morning again. This is hard to do while travelling, but it does keep me on track. I'm home now, so no execuses.

3. Bump up the exercise. I'm doing 3 days a week very consistently now, but want to bump it up. Not only for weight loss, but also because I want to work on my endurance. I ran another 5K yesterday and, while I almost made my goal time of 45 minutes (finisihed in 45:05) and beat my personal record of 47:59, I still wasn't happy. It was a stuggle and I finished towards the end of the pack. I don't necessarily want to win, but I would like to come in with the top 25%. The only way I can do that is to (a) drop the rest of the weight and (b) work on my endurance. So, this week I'm adding 2 more days to my exercise plan.

4. Get serious again. When I lost the most weight the quickest was when I was a machine. I didn't think about how food tasted. I just thought about what the food would do for my body & how much energy it would give me. Time to start looking at food like that again.

So, today starts a new week for me. I really would like to hit 175 by the end of the year. That's about a 2.5 pound weight loss per week. That may be not be attainable since I typically lose in the 1 - 1.5 pound range, but I'm going to try. After all, I've never been 100% on diet and 100% on exercise at the same time. Who knows? Maybe 2.5 pounds per week is too low.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #44: Yep, This Really is a Journey

11/19/2006

So, did ya miss me last week?

I didn't post because, well, quite frankly, I was embarassed. I had managed to get back up to 189 in just a week. In seems that reaching the half way point made me feel justified in celebrating. I did do some positive celebrating - new clothes, new bike, etc. But I also did some bad celebrating - i.e. food. As far as I've come and as much as I've learned, I still don't have the food demon completely conquered.

I wonder if this is how a drug addict or alcholic feels? It's like you know it's bad for you, and you know that the immediate satisfaction you get won't last, but you do it anyway. Then, you're mad at yourself for doing it.

So, I pretty much had the "get real" discussion with myself last weekend. Or, to put it more aptly, a "get real" argument.

I think I always had it in the back of my head that, once I reached the half way point, I could stop. You see, I didn't think I'd make it this far and knew I'd never go further. So, a long time ago - years ago - I gave myself permission to get to 186 and just stop. That would be good enough. That was what I weighed when DH and I met. That was what I weighed almost 11 years ago.

The conflict came in because I didn't WANT to stop. Emotionaly I wanted to stop, but something else was wanting to go forward.

Let me tell you, being around me that last week was NOT a fun experience. DH definately earned some points last week for just staying out of my way and listening without offerring suggestions. (After all this time he's figured out when I want advice and when I don't - LOL!)

So, I guess this is a really long, rambling way of saying that I'm back on track. I do want to go forward. In fact, I want to compete. Scracth that. I don't just want to compete. I want to be competitive.

I want to push my body to become the best that it can be.

I want to be strong.

I want my kid to see me in action and be proud.

Yep, I still have some food issues, and I'll probably have them my entire life. But now I feel like there are other reasons to lose the weight.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #42: Sometimes You Just Gotta Graze . . .

11/06/2006

Well, the scale has me up half a pound today. I'm not surprised, really. Or, maybe I am - I'm surprised it's ONLY have a pound.

You see, I had a craving this week, that really started nagging at me last Friday. I resisted as much as I could, but found myself "eating around" the craving. Basically, instead of eating the thing I really wanted and just being done with it, I ate all this other stuff to try and satisfy me. So, instead of getting hit with one 300 calorie pop, I'll bet I ate an additional 1,500 calories this week just trying to satisfy it with healthy stuff.

It didn't work.

Last night I finally realized what I was doing and ate the darn thing I wanted in the first place.

So, what did I learn?

If you really are craving something, just eat it and move on. Now I have an additional 1,500 calories to deal with instead of 300. An expensive lesson to learn, but one that is valuable for future reference . . .

Other than that, everything has been great - especially on the exercise front. I have two more 5Ks scheculed and am training for a 10K. Also, I joined my city's natatorium yesterday, so I plan to get in some additional fitness activities. I'm looking forward to swimming again. I haven't wanted to be in a swimsuit in public for years. In fact, I still really would prefer to have another 25 pounds off of me before I subject the world to my figure. But, if I had that attitude when I started running, then I would not be where I am today. So, screw 'em. If they don't like the size of my behind, they can look elsewhere, right? :)

With friendship,

Care'

Week #41: Half Way There

10/28/2006

Today marks the half-way point in my weight loss journey. That's right. Half way. Just a few months ago I didn't think I'd make it here, although I did try to hang in there and not go backwards.

At the half-way point I find that my drive to finish has only strengthened. After all, I came this far. Why stop now?

I find that I am actually enjoying exercise. I have a 5K under my belt and am training for the next one. I'm considering a 10K and am looking ahead to a half marathon. Yes, a marathon is in my future. I know it is.

I find that I actually enjoy eating salads, eating veggies, and drinking water. I like to eat and drink healthy because I like the way it makes me feel - strong, healthy, in control. This from a person that couldn't go two days without a cheeseburger, fries and a shake.

I find that I am enjoying life more. Yeah, there are people in this world that are a pain in the ass, but they don't bother me as much any more.

I find that my relationship with my son and my husband is better. It's because I am better. It's because I like myself now.

I find that I enjoy feeling the muscles in my legs and love that my behind is smaller.

I find that I enjoy shopping for clothes now, and even try to buy stuff that shows off my figure, rather than hiding it.

Yes, I still have a journey ahead of me. I still am overweight. I still need to strengthen and tone.

But, you know what? I'm doing it. Yeah, I really am doing it.







With friendship,

Care'

My First 5K

10/21/2006

Yeah, you heard me. I ran my very first 5K today. My legs are pretty sore this afternoon and my head is swollen from how proud I am of myself, but other than that I feel great! I even managed to complete the race in 47:59 - 3:01 FASTER than my goal. Yeah, I know that's pretty slow, but it's only slightly slower than when I run on the treadmill at home. The course ending up being mostly uphill and it was tough weaving through all the walkers, but it was still a wonderful experience. The weather was perfect for running.

I can't wait to do another one. Only this time I want to run the whole thing!

I haven't even weighed yet, so I'll have to do that tomorrow (had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to make the race.) Now, with running 3.1 miles today the scale had BETTER be friendly - LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #39: Some Changes

10/15/2006

My official weigh-in yesterday has me down another 2 pounds. That means I'm only 2 pounds away from the overall half-way point. I'm thrilled! Also, my first 5K is coming up on Saturday. I'm very excited. Unfortunately I won't be able to run the full 3 miles since I had some setbacks during training. But, my plan is to run at least 2 miles and complete the race in under 51 minutes. I told Vince last night that I'm going to use this one for experience and that I plan to sign up for another one very soon. Then, I want to start training for a 10K.

I have to tell you . . . I am really enjoying the feel of muscles in my legs and the fact that my butt is smaller. I'm ready for other parts of my body to start toning up, which ties in to the title of my post.

I decided last week that I need to add some sort of weight training to my exercise plan. Yes, I do the resistance training with the bands, but it isn't hard enough, if that makes sense. I've decided I want a personal trainer, but I dodn't want to spend the money (after all, I need to fix my house - LOL!) So, I searched the Interent and found a 13 week training plan that didn't cost too much and that you do from home.

Let me tell you, that first night I only managed to do one set of each exercise in each circuit. I wasn't working too hard because I wanted to get the "feel" of the exercise and make sure I understood the technique. Well, it kicked my butt anyway, which was very exciting. I think I may have found something that will produce the results I want. The plan also came with a diet that fits very nicely with the NS plan. I basically add one more fat serving and eliminate one carb serving, which I started doing on Wednesday.

It just seems so strange that I actually want to exercise and eat healthy, and that I am spending my time researching and planning for both. Just a year ago I thought the only way to get fit was through surgery, and I was seriously contemplating it. Just months ago I was ready to give up and just maintain my loss. Now I find myself in a completely different situation. It's almost as if I found the light switch after being in the dark for so many years.

The truth is that I've finally taken the time to sort through and resolve the various emotional issues in my life. The truth is that I didn't like myself very much and used my weight to keep people away so I wouldn't get hurt. As I've worked though the past hurts and disappointments, I've found that I really am a good person and I have a right to enjoy life. And if anyone has a problem with that or doesn't want to be part of it, that's his or her tough luck. I'm not going to let other people's emotional issues interfere with my life anymore. Yes, there are still some things to sort through and I know those are going to be the hardest because they have the deepest scars. But, I know that dealing with them will make me a more healthy person - physically and mentally.

So, I guess I'm at the fork in the road on this journey. I can keep doing what I've been doing, or I can take a turn and travel the more challenging path.

I choose the more challenging path.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #38: Hello 190s, My Old Friend

10/08/06

Yep, that's right. I'm back up a pound to 190.5. I know why. I deserve it. But I don't feel sorry for myself. No way. It just makes me more determined to get it right back off.

You see, something has finally clicked in my brain.

One thing a lot of overweight people struggle with is the thought of keeping off the weight once they lose it. Once you get past the "can I lose it" anxiety, the next logical thought is "will I be able to keep it off." I conquered "can I lose it" a while back - hell yeah, I can and I am. But, the "will I be able to keep it off" was a little harder to get past.

Well, I'm past it now.

I know I will be able to keep it off. Yes, the scale is going to boune from time to time - that's normal. (DID YOU HEAR ME??? I said that's NORMAL! LOL!)

Over the last 38 weeks I've learned portion control, how to build a balanced diet and how much exercise my body needs. I've also learned that I can have an off-plan meal from time to time without it causing a five-pound weight gain. So, what's the big deal? It means that I'm officially no longer on a diet. Instead, I've just changed my lifestyle.

It's funny when you move from a diet mindset to a lifestyle mindset. Suddenly exercise feels empowering rather than being something you dread. Suddenly food becomes fuel and nutrition rather than something you have to think (i.e. obsess) about. Suddenly water becomes refreshing rather than a liquid you have to choke down. The opposite is true as well. Passing by a fast food joint makes the stomach roll. Too many sodas leave you more thirsty than before. Not exercising for a few days leaves you feeling down.

So, I'm visiting the 190s this weekend, but plan to go back home to the 180s right away. After all, I have a date with the 170s I need to keep.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #37: Interesting Discovery

10/01/2006

Emily's comment on my last post was the kick in the butt I needed. I have a tendency to look back on only the last few days and base everything on those days. For example, if I've been 100% on plan for the last week, then I forget that I wasn't 100% the week before. This works both ways. If I was off plan for a few days, then I beat myself up for never being on plan.

After Emily posted her comment, I pulled every food diary that I've been keeping since the beginning of this journey and studied them for several hours. What I found was interesting.

It seems my body doesn't reflect loss or gain for at least a week after the event. So, for example, if I eat a piece of cake today today (Sunday), then my body won't register it until next Sunday. This works in reverse too - a great day today will show up on the scale next week.

So, this past week I started at 190 and then saw the scale creep back up to 192.5. What I saw when I looked back on the week before was that I wasn't making the best choices for a few days. In fact, the day where the scale peaked matched the day from the prior week where I didn't exercise, drink all my water, and indulged in dessert during a department luncheon.

Strange, isn't it?

I then went back and re-looked at my food diaries from the very beginning - back in January & February - when I was new to NS and was really on top of the plan. It's a little harder to see the trend there, because I followed the plan so closely that I consistently lost every week.

Hmmmm.

These last few months during which I've been in the 190s have shown me doing two things - either being 100% on everything or 100% on nothing. At times it made me question if there was something psychologically going on causing me to not want to lose the weight. I see now that it's not that. Instead it is my tendency to give up when things aren't perfect. (I have a very long history of this - piano lessons, guitar lessons, court reporting school, sports, etc. I've tried a thousand things and, when I'm not perfect right away, I move onto something else.) Once again my evil perfectionist personality has reared its ugly head. (But at least I know what I'm dealing with now!)

So, this got me thinking. As a member of several boards and a reader of many blogs, I know there are a lot of us out there that are frustrated with the rate in which we are or are not losing. We've tried different diets, different exercise methods, different water amounts - you name it. What does that mean? Well, it shows that each and every one of us wants to lose the weight and is commited to doing so. That in and of itself is proof that we will succeed. It also shows that consistency is more important than anything.

Yeah, yeah, you've heard that before, right? I know . . . it sounds cliche to me too. But, reviewing my food journals have proven this to be true in my case.

So, the next time I slip up and eat off plan or blow off exercise for the day, I won't start mixing things up when I see the scale go up the following week. Instead I'll keep doing what I'm supposed to do - one day at a time; one meal at a time.

After all, my food diary from the beginning proves that it will work.

Oh, I almost forgot - I weighed in at 189.5 this week!

With friendship,

Care'