Been Gone for a While . .. Here's Why

Background - I found out about four weeks ago that my husband and I are expecting our second child. We're thrilled, but it has taken me a while to adjust to the idea. I posted this on the NS Shrinker's Blog. Because it was such an honest post (the most honest I've been with myself lately) I thought I should share it here.

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The last few weeks for me have been terrible on the eating front. I'm talking McDonald's, Taco Bell, you name it . . . all those places I said good bye to over a year ago.

Now, I know I'm pregnant and am eating for two. But, did you know you really only need an extra 300 calories per day when you're pregnant? Not exactly the extra 3000 I seem to be craving . . .

So, why am I eating this way? Why am I tossing out all the good habits I've learned?

Well, after responding to Crystal's post about there being some emotional issue that's not being addressed, I realized that's what's going on here. The truth is this pregnancy really threw me for a loop. I mean, Vince and I were DONE . . . know what I mean? Our son will be nine this month - not exactly grown, but old enough that he's getting independent and parenting is getting somewhat easier. Also, I've lost all this weight and it breaks my heart that I'm going to have to tackle it again. And, I had to give up my race season. I had even applied for corporate sponsorship but had to withdraw. So, my dreams of competing in my first triathlon have been delayed a year.

I know I sound selfish. And you know what. It IS selfish. On one hand I'm thrilled that we'll have a new baby to bless our lives. I look forward to meeting him/her and watching him/her grow up. After all, my first one has been a blast. On the other hand I'm a little pissed. I'm pissed because, for the first time in my life, what I did was about me. Now I'm having to put myself on hold again. It's like I was given freedom from all those emotional issues that were dragging me down and given a taste of the fresh air and the blue sky. But now the warden is back to lock me up again. "Oh, no. You're not free yet."

So, what have I been doing? I've been eating. Instead of admiting my feelings I've been stuffing my face. Instead of embracing the challenges as new opportunities, I've been drowning my sorrows with cheeseburgers.

I miss feeling energetic and healthy. Just three weeks of poor eating has left me lethargic and grumpy.

Damn it. That's it. No more. I deserve better. My unborn child deserves better.

I haven't lost myself. I've just had a change of plans. A GOOD change. One that will bring me tons of joy and another reason to be healthy.

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With friendship,

Care'