Week #49: Week 49 and 49 Pounds Gone with NS!

12/24/2006

How bizarre is that? I've completed 49 weeks on the NS plan and have lost 49 pounds. Part of me is impressed - that's 1 pound a week! Part of me is pissed . . . if I had stuck to the plan 100% and had lost around 2 pounds a week, I'd be done.

Oh well. I can't go back and change what I did in the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future, right? Besides, there's been a lot of other crap to deal with besides just the weight.

The really cool thing is that I hit 182.5 this morning. I've finally broken the 185.5 mark! I am determined to get to the 170s before the end of the year, and I am oh-so-close!

Let's see . . . If I have 47.5 pounds to go and I stick with the food & exercise plan 100% . . . and if I average a 1.5 pounds loss per week . . . that would have me finished by the thrid week of July. If I go aggressive and do 2 pounds per week, then I'll be done by the second week of June. If I keep my current pace of 1 pound per week, then I'll be done by Thanksgiving next year.

Hmmmm. . .

Okay, I've decided. June it is. LOL!

Now, back to some more serious stuff . . .

This week was my first full week on my triathlon training program. I did really well. I managed to get back in the water for the first time in about 20 years. Yeah, that first day was a little freaky, but I survived. When I went back on Friday I was much more comfortable and didn't end up sore at all. I've even signed up for a swimming class to make sure my techique and form are correct.

The other day Vince came home to find me with my goggles on and my head in a pot full of water working on my breathing. Of course, I was so focused on what I was doing, I didn't realize he was standing there. I'm not sure how long he watched me, but I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm certifiable now. Oh well, just wait until he sees what I have planned for today . .

I am getting more comfortable on the bike. Of course, I use the term comfortable very loosly. The legs feel good and I'm working to not put my weight on my wrists (my carpel tunnel syndrome won't stand for that!), but the seat is, um, well, it just freaking hurts. After riding for about five minutes I have no feeling in my nether-regions. (And, yes, I'm wearing cycle shorts!) I know this will resolve itslf in time with plenty of practice.

I'm also working to increase my running to a 12 minute mile. I know, I know . . . that's still pretty slow. But, I remember when I worked down to a 20 minute mile, then a 17, then a 15. So, for now I have 12 in my sights and will soon be aiming for 10.

That's how this whole thing works, isn't it? Just one more minute, one more mile, one more lap, one more pound, one more day.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #48: Heads Back in the Game Again . . .

12/18/2006

You know, after about six weeks of not being serious, I finally have my head back in the game. I finally realized that I was feeling pretty down about the holidays, which had me turning to food for comfort. At one point I realized I wasn't eating blindly like in the past, but that I was eating the crap on purpose. WTH? It was like I was DECIDING that I was going to eat poorly, and actually went to the store to buy the stuff. Geesh!

Yesterday I was really evaluating the situation and trying to determine why I was doing this to myself. My husband asked if I was sad about the holidays. "Of course not," I said. "It's freaking Christmas! Everyone is happy!"

As those words tumbled out of my mouth I realized how angry they were, and the light bulb clicked on.

Yep, I was feeling down about the time of year. Why? Because I don't have a freaking family, that's why.

Since my MaMa died I pretty much don't have anything to do with my Dad or his side of the family. (This is my step-dad who raised me.) It's like when she went, I just "lifted out." They all get together and have a great time, but I'm not invited. It pisses me off. Also, my bio-Dad has disappeared (again).

Yes, I still have my Mom and my sister has recently come back into my life. I am also extremely fortunate that my in-laws love me as one of their own. But as a girl with daddy issues, this time of year leaves me feeling pretty down.

I know I need to confront the situation, but I'm just not ready yet. And, I also know that, if I do confront the situation, that I may learn about stuff that I'm not yet ready to hear.

But, back to the point of this post. After the light came on, I decided that I would just be pissed off and eat what I want until Jan 1. I mean, why beat myself up if the food was making me feel better?

But, you know what? The food wasn't making me feel better. My energy level has plumeted and my stomach has been "off" the last few weeks. I've been more apt to lie on the couch than go for a walk. I remember being like that all the time and thought it was normal. Now that I've had a taste of what life can be like, I don't want that any more.

I decided that I could either be angry, or I could have a good holiday in spite of the situation. After all, I do have a son and he deserves to have a happy Christmas like I did at his age. He still believes in Santa and I know those days are numbered. I have six neices and nephews that are all younger than my son, and seeing them tear through their presents is a thrill. Remember how that felt when you were that age?

I decided to have a GREAT holiday season - damn it! :)

Once I made that decision, suddenly the "diet and exercise" thing didn't seem so bad. I even attempted a new exercise video yesterday, but didn't make it too far since my stomach was upset. But, at least I got my butt off the couch and on the weight bench for a change.

So, here I am . . . all in the Christmas spirit now. It's driving my husband crazy. HE HE, this will be more fun that I thought.

HO! HO! HO!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #47: Reflection

12/10/2006

Today is my birthday. I'm 37. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm quite depressed about being in my late 30s. Well, maybe depressed isn't the right word. I'm freaking pissed.

I feel as if I have slept the past 10 years of my life and only started waking up 11 months ago. It's really only been 6 months since I've felt like my own person. Now, here I am ready to take life by the horns, and I'm almost 40. Not that I think 40 is old, but let's face it . . . you just can't do at 40 what you could do at 20.

Here I sit wanting to run a marathon, do an Ironman, travel the world . . . and I feel like I'm running out of time. Damn, I wish I hadn't spent the last 10 years sitting on the couch eating crap.

Ah, regrets . .

The "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that I try to avoid . . .

I guess the good thing is that I did wake up before I hit 40 as opposed to before I hit 50 or never at all. The thing is that I'm back to battling my food demons again. This week I'm back down to 185.5, but I should have lost more. I increased exercise and was doing perfect on food, but Thursday came around and I blew it. For some reason I still feel the need to eat crap when I'm not feeling happy. Looking back I think my upcoming birthday had me blue, but I didn't realize it at the time. So I ate. I ate a lot. And no, it wasn't veggies.

So, I still have this emotional eating problem that I need to deal with. Damn it, will I ever conquer it?

Time to take this anger on a nice long run this morning. See you soon.

With friendship,

Care'

Time to Quit Dorking Around

12/03/2006

I was looking at my results for the month of November and they clearly show that I am futzing around and not being serious. I've been totally rocking on the exercise front, but I've pretty much been going over on calories. I haven't been making terrible choices like I've done in the past - just eating too much of the stuff I can have. Basically, it's like I'm doing my maintenance plan instead of my weight loss plan. While it is nice to know that I can maintain my weight without having to write down every bite and just using what I've learned, it is NOT nice to know that this is the weight I'm maintaining. I need to quit dorking around. After all, I have another 50 pounds to lose. That's still a lot of weight and I'll never get it off at this rate.

So, some key decisions today -

1. Write everything down that I eat. I find it's harder to cheat when every bite is accounted for.

2. Start weighing every morning again. This is hard to do while travelling, but it does keep me on track. I'm home now, so no execuses.

3. Bump up the exercise. I'm doing 3 days a week very consistently now, but want to bump it up. Not only for weight loss, but also because I want to work on my endurance. I ran another 5K yesterday and, while I almost made my goal time of 45 minutes (finisihed in 45:05) and beat my personal record of 47:59, I still wasn't happy. It was a stuggle and I finished towards the end of the pack. I don't necessarily want to win, but I would like to come in with the top 25%. The only way I can do that is to (a) drop the rest of the weight and (b) work on my endurance. So, this week I'm adding 2 more days to my exercise plan.

4. Get serious again. When I lost the most weight the quickest was when I was a machine. I didn't think about how food tasted. I just thought about what the food would do for my body & how much energy it would give me. Time to start looking at food like that again.

So, today starts a new week for me. I really would like to hit 175 by the end of the year. That's about a 2.5 pound weight loss per week. That may be not be attainable since I typically lose in the 1 - 1.5 pound range, but I'm going to try. After all, I've never been 100% on diet and 100% on exercise at the same time. Who knows? Maybe 2.5 pounds per week is too low.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #44: Yep, This Really is a Journey

11/19/2006

So, did ya miss me last week?

I didn't post because, well, quite frankly, I was embarassed. I had managed to get back up to 189 in just a week. In seems that reaching the half way point made me feel justified in celebrating. I did do some positive celebrating - new clothes, new bike, etc. But I also did some bad celebrating - i.e. food. As far as I've come and as much as I've learned, I still don't have the food demon completely conquered.

I wonder if this is how a drug addict or alcholic feels? It's like you know it's bad for you, and you know that the immediate satisfaction you get won't last, but you do it anyway. Then, you're mad at yourself for doing it.

So, I pretty much had the "get real" discussion with myself last weekend. Or, to put it more aptly, a "get real" argument.

I think I always had it in the back of my head that, once I reached the half way point, I could stop. You see, I didn't think I'd make it this far and knew I'd never go further. So, a long time ago - years ago - I gave myself permission to get to 186 and just stop. That would be good enough. That was what I weighed when DH and I met. That was what I weighed almost 11 years ago.

The conflict came in because I didn't WANT to stop. Emotionaly I wanted to stop, but something else was wanting to go forward.

Let me tell you, being around me that last week was NOT a fun experience. DH definately earned some points last week for just staying out of my way and listening without offerring suggestions. (After all this time he's figured out when I want advice and when I don't - LOL!)

So, I guess this is a really long, rambling way of saying that I'm back on track. I do want to go forward. In fact, I want to compete. Scracth that. I don't just want to compete. I want to be competitive.

I want to push my body to become the best that it can be.

I want to be strong.

I want my kid to see me in action and be proud.

Yep, I still have some food issues, and I'll probably have them my entire life. But now I feel like there are other reasons to lose the weight.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #42: Sometimes You Just Gotta Graze . . .

11/06/2006

Well, the scale has me up half a pound today. I'm not surprised, really. Or, maybe I am - I'm surprised it's ONLY have a pound.

You see, I had a craving this week, that really started nagging at me last Friday. I resisted as much as I could, but found myself "eating around" the craving. Basically, instead of eating the thing I really wanted and just being done with it, I ate all this other stuff to try and satisfy me. So, instead of getting hit with one 300 calorie pop, I'll bet I ate an additional 1,500 calories this week just trying to satisfy it with healthy stuff.

It didn't work.

Last night I finally realized what I was doing and ate the darn thing I wanted in the first place.

So, what did I learn?

If you really are craving something, just eat it and move on. Now I have an additional 1,500 calories to deal with instead of 300. An expensive lesson to learn, but one that is valuable for future reference . . .

Other than that, everything has been great - especially on the exercise front. I have two more 5Ks scheculed and am training for a 10K. Also, I joined my city's natatorium yesterday, so I plan to get in some additional fitness activities. I'm looking forward to swimming again. I haven't wanted to be in a swimsuit in public for years. In fact, I still really would prefer to have another 25 pounds off of me before I subject the world to my figure. But, if I had that attitude when I started running, then I would not be where I am today. So, screw 'em. If they don't like the size of my behind, they can look elsewhere, right? :)

With friendship,

Care'

Week #41: Half Way There

10/28/2006

Today marks the half-way point in my weight loss journey. That's right. Half way. Just a few months ago I didn't think I'd make it here, although I did try to hang in there and not go backwards.

At the half-way point I find that my drive to finish has only strengthened. After all, I came this far. Why stop now?

I find that I am actually enjoying exercise. I have a 5K under my belt and am training for the next one. I'm considering a 10K and am looking ahead to a half marathon. Yes, a marathon is in my future. I know it is.

I find that I actually enjoy eating salads, eating veggies, and drinking water. I like to eat and drink healthy because I like the way it makes me feel - strong, healthy, in control. This from a person that couldn't go two days without a cheeseburger, fries and a shake.

I find that I am enjoying life more. Yeah, there are people in this world that are a pain in the ass, but they don't bother me as much any more.

I find that my relationship with my son and my husband is better. It's because I am better. It's because I like myself now.

I find that I enjoy feeling the muscles in my legs and love that my behind is smaller.

I find that I enjoy shopping for clothes now, and even try to buy stuff that shows off my figure, rather than hiding it.

Yes, I still have a journey ahead of me. I still am overweight. I still need to strengthen and tone.

But, you know what? I'm doing it. Yeah, I really am doing it.







With friendship,

Care'

My First 5K

10/21/2006

Yeah, you heard me. I ran my very first 5K today. My legs are pretty sore this afternoon and my head is swollen from how proud I am of myself, but other than that I feel great! I even managed to complete the race in 47:59 - 3:01 FASTER than my goal. Yeah, I know that's pretty slow, but it's only slightly slower than when I run on the treadmill at home. The course ending up being mostly uphill and it was tough weaving through all the walkers, but it was still a wonderful experience. The weather was perfect for running.

I can't wait to do another one. Only this time I want to run the whole thing!

I haven't even weighed yet, so I'll have to do that tomorrow (had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to make the race.) Now, with running 3.1 miles today the scale had BETTER be friendly - LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #39: Some Changes

10/15/2006

My official weigh-in yesterday has me down another 2 pounds. That means I'm only 2 pounds away from the overall half-way point. I'm thrilled! Also, my first 5K is coming up on Saturday. I'm very excited. Unfortunately I won't be able to run the full 3 miles since I had some setbacks during training. But, my plan is to run at least 2 miles and complete the race in under 51 minutes. I told Vince last night that I'm going to use this one for experience and that I plan to sign up for another one very soon. Then, I want to start training for a 10K.

I have to tell you . . . I am really enjoying the feel of muscles in my legs and the fact that my butt is smaller. I'm ready for other parts of my body to start toning up, which ties in to the title of my post.

I decided last week that I need to add some sort of weight training to my exercise plan. Yes, I do the resistance training with the bands, but it isn't hard enough, if that makes sense. I've decided I want a personal trainer, but I dodn't want to spend the money (after all, I need to fix my house - LOL!) So, I searched the Interent and found a 13 week training plan that didn't cost too much and that you do from home.

Let me tell you, that first night I only managed to do one set of each exercise in each circuit. I wasn't working too hard because I wanted to get the "feel" of the exercise and make sure I understood the technique. Well, it kicked my butt anyway, which was very exciting. I think I may have found something that will produce the results I want. The plan also came with a diet that fits very nicely with the NS plan. I basically add one more fat serving and eliminate one carb serving, which I started doing on Wednesday.

It just seems so strange that I actually want to exercise and eat healthy, and that I am spending my time researching and planning for both. Just a year ago I thought the only way to get fit was through surgery, and I was seriously contemplating it. Just months ago I was ready to give up and just maintain my loss. Now I find myself in a completely different situation. It's almost as if I found the light switch after being in the dark for so many years.

The truth is that I've finally taken the time to sort through and resolve the various emotional issues in my life. The truth is that I didn't like myself very much and used my weight to keep people away so I wouldn't get hurt. As I've worked though the past hurts and disappointments, I've found that I really am a good person and I have a right to enjoy life. And if anyone has a problem with that or doesn't want to be part of it, that's his or her tough luck. I'm not going to let other people's emotional issues interfere with my life anymore. Yes, there are still some things to sort through and I know those are going to be the hardest because they have the deepest scars. But, I know that dealing with them will make me a more healthy person - physically and mentally.

So, I guess I'm at the fork in the road on this journey. I can keep doing what I've been doing, or I can take a turn and travel the more challenging path.

I choose the more challenging path.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #38: Hello 190s, My Old Friend

10/08/06

Yep, that's right. I'm back up a pound to 190.5. I know why. I deserve it. But I don't feel sorry for myself. No way. It just makes me more determined to get it right back off.

You see, something has finally clicked in my brain.

One thing a lot of overweight people struggle with is the thought of keeping off the weight once they lose it. Once you get past the "can I lose it" anxiety, the next logical thought is "will I be able to keep it off." I conquered "can I lose it" a while back - hell yeah, I can and I am. But, the "will I be able to keep it off" was a little harder to get past.

Well, I'm past it now.

I know I will be able to keep it off. Yes, the scale is going to boune from time to time - that's normal. (DID YOU HEAR ME??? I said that's NORMAL! LOL!)

Over the last 38 weeks I've learned portion control, how to build a balanced diet and how much exercise my body needs. I've also learned that I can have an off-plan meal from time to time without it causing a five-pound weight gain. So, what's the big deal? It means that I'm officially no longer on a diet. Instead, I've just changed my lifestyle.

It's funny when you move from a diet mindset to a lifestyle mindset. Suddenly exercise feels empowering rather than being something you dread. Suddenly food becomes fuel and nutrition rather than something you have to think (i.e. obsess) about. Suddenly water becomes refreshing rather than a liquid you have to choke down. The opposite is true as well. Passing by a fast food joint makes the stomach roll. Too many sodas leave you more thirsty than before. Not exercising for a few days leaves you feeling down.

So, I'm visiting the 190s this weekend, but plan to go back home to the 180s right away. After all, I have a date with the 170s I need to keep.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #37: Interesting Discovery

10/01/2006

Emily's comment on my last post was the kick in the butt I needed. I have a tendency to look back on only the last few days and base everything on those days. For example, if I've been 100% on plan for the last week, then I forget that I wasn't 100% the week before. This works both ways. If I was off plan for a few days, then I beat myself up for never being on plan.

After Emily posted her comment, I pulled every food diary that I've been keeping since the beginning of this journey and studied them for several hours. What I found was interesting.

It seems my body doesn't reflect loss or gain for at least a week after the event. So, for example, if I eat a piece of cake today today (Sunday), then my body won't register it until next Sunday. This works in reverse too - a great day today will show up on the scale next week.

So, this past week I started at 190 and then saw the scale creep back up to 192.5. What I saw when I looked back on the week before was that I wasn't making the best choices for a few days. In fact, the day where the scale peaked matched the day from the prior week where I didn't exercise, drink all my water, and indulged in dessert during a department luncheon.

Strange, isn't it?

I then went back and re-looked at my food diaries from the very beginning - back in January & February - when I was new to NS and was really on top of the plan. It's a little harder to see the trend there, because I followed the plan so closely that I consistently lost every week.

Hmmmm.

These last few months during which I've been in the 190s have shown me doing two things - either being 100% on everything or 100% on nothing. At times it made me question if there was something psychologically going on causing me to not want to lose the weight. I see now that it's not that. Instead it is my tendency to give up when things aren't perfect. (I have a very long history of this - piano lessons, guitar lessons, court reporting school, sports, etc. I've tried a thousand things and, when I'm not perfect right away, I move onto something else.) Once again my evil perfectionist personality has reared its ugly head. (But at least I know what I'm dealing with now!)

So, this got me thinking. As a member of several boards and a reader of many blogs, I know there are a lot of us out there that are frustrated with the rate in which we are or are not losing. We've tried different diets, different exercise methods, different water amounts - you name it. What does that mean? Well, it shows that each and every one of us wants to lose the weight and is commited to doing so. That in and of itself is proof that we will succeed. It also shows that consistency is more important than anything.

Yeah, yeah, you've heard that before, right? I know . . . it sounds cliche to me too. But, reviewing my food journals have proven this to be true in my case.

So, the next time I slip up and eat off plan or blow off exercise for the day, I won't start mixing things up when I see the scale go up the following week. Instead I'll keep doing what I'm supposed to do - one day at a time; one meal at a time.

After all, my food diary from the beginning proves that it will work.

Oh, I almost forgot - I weighed in at 189.5 this week!

With friendship,

Care'

Rant On

09/27/2006

Warning . . . I'm incredibly pissed right now . . .

In the spirt of removing the "toxins" from my attitude, I have decided to do what seems to help me the most - write about it. Feel free to comment and point out where I can improve, or tell me just to shut up. I can use some tough love right now.

If I step on the scale one more freaking time and see a number higher than 189.5 I think I am going to SCREAM. On Sunday I was down to 190. I was thrilled. Monday showed 191. Okay, not too bad. Wednesday showed 192.5! DAMN IT! This would all be acceptable if I had not been perfect on the diet, water and exercise front. I've been on the treadmill every day since Saturday and even added resistance training on Monday and Tuesday. I have been 100% on the NS plan since last Thursday (not one single cheat, mind you) and have been 110% with the water by taking in more than 8 glasses.

When I exercise I am getting very frustrated. My desire on what I want to do exceeds what my body will allow me to do. It's like I really want to push myself further, but my body is letting me down. Last night I twisted my ankle when I was running, so I had to stop. I'm fine and will be back on the treadmill tonight, but it really angered me that I had to stop after only 20 minutes. I feel like I can run forever but my legs would probably blow out.

I know where I want to get, but I can't get there.

So, what can I do to get the scale to move?

Yes, I am seeing the inches melt away. I am feeling muscle starting to form, and my butt is definately smaller than it used to be. But when I look in the mirror I see the flabby skin under my arms, the rolls that are still around my mid section, and the hail damage on my butt and thighs. (How is it that I never saw this before?)

Am I just being too hard on myself? Or, is it that I finally am being hard on myself for the first time in my life and am having trouble adjusting?

I am afraid that I've hit the wall. Look on the right . . . I've been in the 190s for a VERY long time. TOO LONG.

Am I going to be a size 2 and still weigh 190 pounds? Is that even possible?

I know you should measure weight loss by things other than the number on the scale, but we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't agree that the number on the scale is important to us.

Okay . . . rant off.

Hit me with your comments, please.

Care'

Week #36: Just a bit more . . .

09/24/2006

And I can kiss the 190s goodbye! You can imagine how excited I was to see 190 this morning, and the scale was flashing 189.5! I think the last two days have really made a difference.

Yes, I've talked about recommiting in the past, but I really did it this time. Yesterday I worked out for 71 minutes on the treadmill and burned around 500 calories. That's more than double what I typically do. After doing that yesterday morning, there was no way in hell I was going to put something off plan in my mouth. Plus, I was dang thirsty, so the water was not a problem at all. So, in a few minutes I plan to get back on the treadmill again to burn another 500 calories. I'm DETERMINED, to see the 180s this month, darn it!

On another topic, I had lunch yesterday with about 10 of my NS friends. It was great fun, as always. You know, I've always had a hard time making friends and tend to avoid group gatherings. But I immediately clicked with this group back in April when we first met. It's almost like you know them already because you already understand their struggles.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #35: Up a Half a Pound, But Celebrating Anyway

09/17/2006

While it appears that I may weigh in the 190s FOREVER, I'm still pretty happy this week. I had a HUGE non-scale victory. You see, I have a shirt that only comes out every now and then for me to put on, sigh at how it shows the rolls of fat on my back, and then immediately take it back off. Last Friday I realized I was behind on laundry and needed a top to wear. Knowing that I wasn't leaving the house, I decided I could ignore the rolls for a few hours while I did the wash. I put the shirt on, put a grimmace on my face, and turned to check out my back side in the mirror. You know what? The rolls were GONE!

I NO LONGER HAVE BACK FAT! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

So, I decided to check out other areas to see how they were improving. The stomach (my biggest problem area) is still the worst part. But, I'm able to see my toes when I look down now. Also, I'm starting to see my c-section scar. While that may not sound like something to celebrate on the surface, it means that the roll on my stomach is starting to disappear. (Yeah, I know - TMI!).

The buns are also starting to firm up. Cool.

I decided to take my measurements - something I hadn't done in a while. Amazing! I've lost 19 inches since I began this journey. That's about the size of my son's head! (Which explains why the pants I bought about six weeks ago are already getting baggy.) I decided to start taking measurements once a week so I'd have something besides the scale to mark progress.

And, on the exercise front, I'm doing great. No, I'm not running a full 5K yet, but I'm on my way. I'm actually starting to look forward to my runs. GASP! Yeah, they are still hard and sometimes I feel like I'm actually going to fall over dead while I'm running, but I always survive and it feels terrific.

So, that pretty much sums up what's going on with me. The scale is still evil, but I'm making new friends with the treadmill and the tape measure.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #34: Wow . . . 34 weeks?

09/10/2006

As I was typing in the title of the post I had to stop for a moment. 34 weeks? 34 weeks! That's a long time considering the average life of any diet in the past has been about 10 weeks. Yeah, I've had my ups and downs, but I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Even during the times when I didn't do what I was supposed to do, I still maintained. Now, THAT is a HUGE accomplishment.

I still struggle with wanting the bad stuff. Just last week I indulged in a cheeseburger, fries and ice cream while on a business trip. I also didn't make as good of choices while eating out as I could have. There's part of me that doesn't want to. That's the part of me that gets really pissed off that I have to work so dang hard for something that comes easily to others. (Admit it . . . you've ALL wanted to trip a skinny person at some point in your life - LOL!)

Along with the 34 week realization, I also stopped to think about where I am on this journey.

Just 1 pound away from my next mini-goal of 190.

Just 5 pounds away from 186. Holy cow - 186!

186 is significant to me for many reasons. First, it's the official half-way point between my non-NS starting weight of 238 and my goal weight of 135. Second, it's in the 180s, which I haven't seen since my 20s. (And it will be awesome to be out of the 190s.) Third, and most importantly, it's the weight I was when I met Vince. I've always felt a bit guilty that I'd "let myself go," so getting back to 186 will be awesome.

And to think I was beating myself up less than 48 hours ago about my bad choices. Yeah, I wish I could take them back, but at least I didn't let them beat me.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #33: Scale for Sale

09/03/06

What do I have to do to get the scale to move?

I'm back on the foods.

I'm getting my water.

I'm exercising 3 times a week for 30 minutes.

I'm sick of seeing 192.5 every time I step on the scale.

Grrrrrr.

Sorry, feeling sorry for myself today.

Week #32: Putting it All Together

08/27/06

First, the weigh in results. No loss. No gain. 192.5 seems to be a number my body likes. But you know what? I've only been back on the NS foods for a couple of days, so I'm sure next week will show better results.

Second, the exercise results. I started the Couch-to-5K plan last week. (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml). I was hesitant to admit that was what I was doing, but you know what? It's time I did so that someone is holding me accountable. I actually started it 2 weeks ago, but didn't do so well the first week. This week, however was a success! I am in week 2 of the plan now and am pretty excited to see my progress. There is a 5K coming up in October that I'd like to do. Now I have a goal! I have always wanted to be a runner, and I'm happy to say I'm making steps in that direction.

Third, the food results. My NS food arrived on Wednesday, so I started on Thursday. Thursday was perfect. Friday was not-so-perfect. I did great for everything but lunch. It was one of those last minute things for which I didn't get to plan, so I caved and had something I shouldn't have. But, I didn't let that get me down and immediately got back on plan. Saturday was 100% perfect and today is 100% perfect so far. So, I'm SURE the scale will budge for me. IT BETTER! LOL!

Fourth, my mid-life crisis update. The good news is that I feel like I'm moving forward again. I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but I'm glad to be taking steps again. For a few months I was stuck in limbo. I hate being in limbo. I'm still scared about what the end result will be, but I'm ready to get there.

Fifth, a job update. I've officially been on the new job for 2 weeks. This last week was really good (except for Monday - see previous post) and I'm starting to get busy. That helps. I hate not being busy. So, already I feel like I'm adding value. I do miss my old job a lot. In fact, I gave a couple of the guys a call last week to say hello and to make sure they hadn't forgotten about my going-away party (thanks, Bob!). There are still times when I want to run back to the old job, but I try to take it day by day. I am enjoying the fact that I'm not having to kill myself right now by working a ton of hours.

Sixth, a kiddo update. Jake started 3rd grade this month. He's complaining about the length of the day, but is otherwise happy. He likes his new teacher and he's enjoying the material. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this year is a huge success.

Seventh, a hubby update. Vince has decided that he wants to go to culinary school, so he is in the process of figuring out where he wants to go. It's probably a year off because we want to get the house repairs done first.

Eight, speaking of home repairs . . . the leak is fixed and sheet rock has been hung in the bedroom. We're still sleeping in the living room because Vince hates it. (I figure that will help motivate him to get the rest of the repairs done ASAP). We haven't made much progress in the last two weekends, but are planning a big push for the upcoming holiday weekend.

Ninth, my next weight goal. It's been a long time since I've set a mini-goal, so it's time to do it again. My next mini-goal is 190. Yeah, the difference between 192.5 and 190 is not much, but I typically do 5 pound increments and this helps make the math easier - LOL!

I'm trying to think of a tenth thing, but my mind is blank. I guess that's a sign that it's time to sign off.

With friendship,

Care'

Trip from Hell

08/22/2006

I was typing this in an email for my mom who was innocent enough to ask, "How was your trip to Chicago?" I'm sure she wasn't prepared for the respose.

Anywho, I thought you guys would enjoy my perils, so have a good laugh at my expense. For me, the crying has finally stopped and I am starting to see the humor in the situation . . .

1. Had to leave Sunday morning.
2. Plane delayed.
3. Sat next to woman who got air sick for the entire trip.
4. Rental car not ready upon arrival.
5. Got lost on way to hotel.
6. Get to hotel - smoking room, even though non-smoking specified.
7. Decide to have wine from the honor bar. No wine opener.
8. Have room service bring up wine opener. Can't get cork out. Manage to push crumbled cork into bottle.
9. Drank two glasses of wine with cork. Yum.
10. Forgot to call hubby to wake him up. Fortunately, kid was not late to school.
11. Got lost on way to seminar.
12. Could not find parking.
13. Decided to just park and walk the rest of the way.
14. Managed to get lost while walking. Turned 4 block trip into 1.5 mile trip (if I had known, I would not have gotten up at 5:30 to run for 1.5 miles).
15. Hurt foot while wandering aimlessley in downtown Chicago. Now limping and lost.
16. Finally find seminar. Check in. Receptionist sends me to wrong room.
17. Get to right room (could they have put my class any further away from the bathrooms?)
18. Room is freezing, and I did remember to bring a jacket - that's how freaking cold it was.
19. Developed case of diarreha, so in and out of class - while limping, mind you.
20. Get out of class early (thank goodness).
21. Find car without getting lost (luck is turning around).
22. Get lost trying to find expressway.
23. Find expressway - but in wrong lane to get on.
24. Try to turnaround. Street turns into a dead-end parking lot.
25. Try to back out of parking lot - not working. Pull into teeny-tiny space to turn around.
26. Back into concrete planters while turning around.
27. Make circle to get back on expressway. Didn't work.
28. Make bigger circle to get back on expressway. Worked (horray, although I'm about to cry).
29. Got lost on way to aiport.
30. Got back on track, but get lost AGAIN. (NEVER drive in Chicago).
31. Got flipped off twice.
32. Got flipped off again. This time I flip back.
33. Find rental car return after a 2 hour trip, but manage to go the wrong way.
34. Got flipped off again. (Beginning to think it's Chicogo's residents' way of saying "hello")
35. Get rental car dropped off (guy didn't notice any damage from step 26 above - woo hoo!)
36. Get on rental car shuttle. Hobble over to a seat because foot is killing me. Shuttle is crowded. Lady manages to step on my hurt foot three times.
37. I flip off lady. She doesn't step on foot again.
38. Get to airport. Manage to successfully check in.
39. Wait in line to get luggage inspected. Machine breaks. Have to take luggage to other side of terminal (still limping).
40. Wait in line for luggage inspection (20 minute wait).
41. Hobble over to security. Line is LONG because machine breaks. (What is it with machinery in this airport?) Picture 500 travelers trying to go through one security line.
42. Get through security.
43. Go to Chili's since I have a very long wait until boarding. Order margarita - I deserve one, right? Waitress spills drink on me.
44. Eat dinner (which is cold, but I don't complain for fear of having something else dumped on me).
45. Hobble over to gate (could it be any further away from security? Nope, it can't. Last freaking gate in terminal).
46. Sit down at gate.
47. Foot gets run over by passerby.
48. Hobble over to new seat. Open book to read. Book sucks.
49. Hobble over to gift shop to buy new book. Clerk won't let me in - thinks I'm drunk (could that be because I'm limping and smell like tequilla?)
50. Hobble to next gift shop and successfully buy book.
51. Hobble back to gate. Sit down and start reading (finally).
52. Plane delayed 15 minutes.
53. Plane delayed 30 minutes.
54. Plane delayed 45 minutes.
55. Plane finally boards. Full flight. Get seated next to gentleman who has no concept of personal space or hygiene.
56. Plane lands. Limp off of plane and wait 30 minutes to get luggage.
57. Get luggage - go outside to wait for courtesy van to take me to my car.
58. 15 minute wait.
59. Get car. Check out - receipt flys out of machine and across parking lot. Receipt is for over $20, so I need it to get reimbursed.
60. Pull over. Chase parking receipt across parking lot (remember, I'm limping).
61. Get receipt. Get back in car. Drive home.
62. Get home at 1:00 a.m. Set alarm for 6.00 a.m. and pass out.

Don't you just LOVE travel?

Care'

NSVs

08/20/2006

Just a quick post because I'm about to head to the airport (again!) and won't have Internet access for a couple of days.

I have two WONDERFUL non-sale victories to share. Since it's been a while, I'm doubly excited.

Since I've started the new "old" job, I have to dress professionally again. I noticed this week that my clothing was hanging off of me. I mean, embarassingly so. For some reason I thought that all this stuff would still fit.

Anyway, I had to get some new hose. Now, ladies, are you ready for this? I no longer have to buy the "Just My Size" hose. I can actually buy the regular ones! Yeah, I'm still a size Q, but at least I'm not that dreaded 3X anymore.

Also, I needed to get some new clothes. After all, how can you climb the career ladder if your pants are falling off? I walked into a store and immediately paniced. I wasn't sure what size I was. I use to be a 20-22. So, I picked up a size 18 suit and a size 16 suit and headed to the dressing room. Imagine my surprise when I was swimming in the 18. Then, I tried the 16. STILL TOO BIG!

NO FREAKING WAY!

So, I had the sales lady grab me a 14. I didn't think it would fit, but it did! So, I bought a few outfits last night in a size 14.

14!

It's been at least 5 years since I was a 14.

The hard part was limiting myself to buying only a few things. After all, I don't plan to be a 14 for much longer.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #31: Back on Track - Again!

08/19/2006

I'm back on track.

Those 2 pounds that had snuck back on are officially gone. And this time, they are gone for good!

I really did well this week - worked out twice and stayed on plan. I even did much better on water. And you know what? I feel better! The plan this week is to exercise three times, be more consistent with water and stay on plan 100%. Hopefully I'll see the weight dropping off fast again when my food arrives. I plan to order it today!

I started the new job this week. The verdict is still out. I miss my old co-workers terribly. Of course, when you work as many hours as you do with your co-workers, I guess that's to be expected. It probably doesn't help that I'm a little overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Overwhelmed by the number of things that I'd like to get accomplished in the new position, but underwhelmed because the pace is pretty slow. So, we'll see. I'm sure I'll adjust soon.

In the meantime, I'm using the down time to focus on ME again and to make sure I am truly back on track.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #30: It's Time

08/13/2006

It's time.

Last week I posted about how I knew it was time to recommit, but I wasn't quite ready to yet. Well, I'm ready now.

I'm sick of seeing the scale bounce between 192.5 and 195.

I'm sick of feeling fat again.

I'm sick of knowing what I'm supposed to do, but not doing it.

I'm sick of feeling tired.

I'm sick of feeling depressed.

I'm sick of knowing that something better is out there for me and that I just need to reach for it.

I'm sick of being in limbo about my relationship with my dad.

I'm sick of not knowing who I am.

I'm sick of not embracing life - of holding back because I'm so scared of rejection.

I'm sick of not being as physically strong and fit as I know I can be.

I'm sick of being out of control.

It's time for me to get back in control.

It's time for me to be strong.

It's time for me to feel energetic and fit.

It's time for me to feel empowered and confident in who I am.

It's time for me to either repair or discard the relationships with my family that have haunted me all my life.

It's time for me to embrace life and accept the wonderful things that are out there for me. No more rejecting love and appreciation for others.

It's time for me to be accountable again - to myself and to my fellow losers.

It's time for me to be me.

With friendship,

Care'

Five Weird Things About Me

I've been tagged by Melissa!

Rules: The player of this game starts with "Five weird things/habits about yourself". In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog entry about their five weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag five more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I'll start with the strangest one of all. Have you ever squirted some dish soap into your kitchen sink and then turned on the water to clean up? You rinse the bubbles out and you're all done, right? A few hours later you turn on the dishwasher which causes the bubbles to rise back into the sink and sort of "breath . . . ." Um, yeah, that freaks me out. When I was preggo, it would make me barf.

2. Speaking of preggo . . . I developed super-human smell when I was pregnant with Jacob. I could smell things a mile away. I remember one time I smelled a can of stain that had been opened on the other side of the building where they were doing construction. I STILL have my super-human sense of smell. No one is safe blowing gas around me. You WILL be busted.

3. I'm a huge heavy metal fan. What's so weird about that? We'll it doesn't add up when you look at me. I'm ultra-conservative and dress like a banker. I just don't seem the type to show up at a White Zombie concert. Oh, and when I do show up they usually think I'm a nark . . . just because my socks match my shirt . . .

4. I'm a clean FREAK! I cannot STAND dirt. Most people think my desk at work is unoccupied because it is so clean. (Now, if you are up-to-date on my house situation, you can imagine that I'm about at my wits end.)

5. Now this is really weird. I constantly refer to myself as being weird, but I cannot think of a 5th thing. I seriously pondered this over the last 24 hours. (Maybe that's weird?)

Now, time to tag some other weird people. I choose Emily, Diane, Jesi, Karon and Neil.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #29: Comfortable?

08/06/2006

Quick Update: The scale moved in the right direction! Down a pound! HORRAY!

Now for the real topic today . . . .

Warning: Changing to self-reflection mode now . . .

Last Friday I was catching up on everyone's blogs and I noticed a consistent theme. It seems like we're all re-dedicating ourselves to our program and making some serious commitments. I need to do that too, but something is holding me back. After careful reflection, I think I know what it is.

For the first time that I can remember, I am no longer hearing those nagging voices of what I "should" and "should not" do in regards to how I dress, where I work, what I do, etc. etc. (Yeah, there's still the voice that tells me what I should and shouldn't eat, but at least it's MY voice now.)

And, I must say that it's been blissfully comfortable.

You see, that's the problem. I'm comfortable.

I've lost a lot of weight, (39 on NS and 45.5 total), and I feel pretty good about where I am now. Yeah, I'm not at goal, but I no longer lose my breath when I climb a flight of stairs. I eat so much better than what I use to - I can't tell you when it was that I last had a french fry.

You see, about 8 weeks ago I noticed a change. I was no longer setting mini-goals for myself. I was no longer fanitical about getting up every morning to exercise.

I'm comfy, you see.

I've found that by continuing to eat a balanced diet with very few cheats, I can easily maintain my comfortable weight.

Oh, so comfy.

So, if I'm so comfortable, why don't I stop?

I don't want to stop because I'm still overweight and I want to lose more. I want to feel really healthy. I mean, if losing 45 pounds makes me feel comfortable, how will losing the rest make me feel? Freaking awesome, I'm sure.

I want to feel awesome.

What's holding me back? What's keeping me from making the commitment? What's forcing me to hide behind the excuse of house problems, job antics, kid activities, etc?

I think it's BECAUSE I am comfortable.

You see, this entire journey has been about more than just a number on a scale. This has been about finding out who Care' is. What does she want? What are her views and opinions? What are her values? What are her dreams?

It's almost like the slate has been wiped clean, and it's a great feeling. But now I realize that it's time to write stuff on the slate again - my values, my opinions, my dreams. But I'm a little scared. It's taken 36 years to get that damn slate clean, and I want to make sure whatever I put there is right.

Plus, what if I find out that my dreams don't mesh with the important people in my life? What happens if something I determine I value causes a rift in an important relationship?

Hmmmm, it doesn't sound like I'm all that comfortable, does it?

That's probably the REAL reason why I haven't given up yet.

It's taken a couple of months, but I now recognize that it's time for me to make the commitment to myself, regardless of the risks and consequences. I know I'd rather go through the rest of my life knowing who I am and what I stand for, than spend it in the neutral zone.

It's time for me to embrace myself so that I can embrace life.

It's time for me to get uncomfortable.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #28: No Loss - AGAIN!

07/30/2006

No loss.

But, I didn't really expect one since I have NOT been good this week. Everyone has wanted to go to lunch or dinner this week since I'm about to leave the job, so the temptation has been difficult to overcome. Plus, the stress related to the house is really getting to me. I need to figure out how to rearrange my living/dining/bedroom to get my treadmill where I can use it again. I don't want to exercise right now, but I think I may need the outlet.

Hey wait - that means I'll have a gym/living/dining/bedroom.

Great.

Gotta run . . . there's yet another project I need to work on for the house.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #27: Update on Everything

07/23/2006

There's a ton of stuff going on right now, so I'll catch you up on everything.

WEIGHT LOSS
Or maybe I should title this "WEIGHT GAIN" . . . Yep, I'm up a half a pound. Double GRRRRRR. I'm struggling. I'm losing the will to even try anymore, but I haven't given up. I think some things in my life need to settle down a bit so I can get back on track.

JOB
I decided to take the new job and my notice was officially accepted last Monday. My last day in August 9th. Why, oh why, do I give this much notice every time I leave? As usual, most things have already been asigned to others and my workload has dropped significantly. I'm wondering if I'll have enough to do for the next two and a half weeks. But, I am looking VERY forward to the new job. It sounds like I'll be traveling for the first couple of months for training, which will be fun. I like travel - it's the hubby that doesn't like it.

HOUSE
I never remember how much I've shared about my never-ending house woes. We had a fire last December that originated in the heating unit. Basically, all of the ceilings in the house had to be repaired because the duct work was inside of fir downs. The cool thing is that we got to raise the ceiling in several areas, but there is still a TON of sheetrocking, taping, mudding, texturing and painting to be done. Every room in my house has some sort of repair work that needs attention.

We finished replacing the a/c and heating unit and installed all the new duct work in February, but since then work has stalled. Most of this is due to the fact that the insurance check didn't even cover the new a/c and heating unit, much less the repairs. Since we're having to fund the repairs ourselves (which is why I gave up NS food) and since DH is having to do the work himself, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY work has stalled.

Last weekend work started again. DH and I decided that we would start in the hallway, since that had the most visible damage and because all of the books from the bookshelves that had to be torn down are piled in each of the bedrooms. The thought was that this would not only make the worst area of the house better, but the bedrooms would benefit from less clutter. All sheetrock was hung and taping and mudding was completed on half of the hallway last Saturday. AWESOME! Our plan for Sunday was to tape and mud the other side of the hallway. Then, we would texture this weekend and paint next weekend. The end was in sight!

In our apparent arrogance that something was FINALY going right with this house, we went out shopping. We went to a few stores and had a few more stops to make, but we had to come home because I had to pee (see, I'm still drinking my water.) I went to the bathroom in our master bedroom, and when I walked out I noticed my son was staring at the ceiling with his mouth wide open. When I looked up, I saw that there was a huge bubble and water was starting to drip on the floor.

Great.

I yelled for my husband who came in the room, saw what was going on, then immediately went to the attic to investigate. Meanwhile I made a mad dash to the kitchen (exercise, right?) to get a pitcher to catch the water. I placed the sad little pitcher under the huge bubble, and started moving everything out from under it as fast as I could. I managed to get a few things out of the way, but then it burst. . . . right on top of my head.

I looked up to see my hubby looking down at me from a now even larger hole in the ceiling. Here are some pics. Enjoy.

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000524.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000525.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000526.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000528.jpg

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10/pbjcreations/P1000527.jpg

As of today, we sill have the huge hole in the ceiling, because the condensing unit continues to leak. We think it may be because we have to insulate the dryer vent. Great. More work.

Anyone need a house? I'll make you a GREAT deal . . .

With friendship,

Care'

Week #26: GRRRR. I'm Stuck!

07/16/2006

Join my pity party, won't you?

I'm a little tired of this sloooooooooooow process of losing weight that seems to have been around for a while now. It seems like it is taking FOREVER to lose this weight. It's driving me nuts!

On the other hand, I just spent some time looking at my progress on the right, and you know what? That's still pretty good. I also figured out that I'm averaging 1.48 pounds per week lost. That's not bad either (although I'd prefer it be 2 pounds per week).

I think I'm at that point where I am getting tired of trying so hard and not seeing the results on the scale. The fact that I've made it 26 weeks is more than twice as long than I have stuck with a diet in the past, so I'm pretty pround of that. But, I have to admit that I am very frustrated.

There, I said it.

Right now I'm a little resentful of the fact that I've struggled with weight all my life and that I have to deny myself some of those tasty foods that others can eat without restriction. I'm tried of the fact that I have to get my butt on the treadmill every day to see the scale spit out a 1/2 loss while others seem to lose weight just by lying on the couch. I'm jealous of others that have been on NS about the same amount of time as me and have lost in the 50 pound range already.

I know I'm being silly. I know that my progress so far is awesome and the fact that I'm averaging about 1.5 per week is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know all of this.

But, I'm pissed off right now.

I have to be careful because this pissed off point is usually when I throw in the towel and start eating like crap again and gain all the weight back plus 15 more. I know I don't want to to that. I know that I can't do that.

I want to be excited about this lifestyle change again, and I'm having a hard time getting there. I don't even like reading the support boards right now because I don't like how I feel about myself after reading them.

I'm feeling fat and gross again, whereas I was feeling energetic and sexy just a few weeks before.

Damn. I need to snap out of it.

Maybe it's time to mix things up again. Maybe I should order the NS food again since I've been trying to do it on my own for about 3 months now. Or maybe I should try the JC food since the overall plan is pretty similar.

Maybe I'm just at another pivotal point in my mid-life crisis? Perhaps there is something that I'm about to learn about myself that will open up the gates for success?

How long is a mid-life crisis supposed to last?

I know I don't have everything resolved. I still haven't spoken with my dad, so that means we're up to a over a year now with zero communication. I just don't feel ready yet. I feel like I still need to figure out some stuff. I also know that my emotional eating can be directly attributed to my relationship (or lack thereof) with the father figures in my life, so I'm sure that must be it.

But damn it, I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the gut-wrenching, emotional roller coaster that I go through each time I have to face something about myself. The last time almost resulted in a divorce for me and my hubby and I just don't want to have the "big D" conversation again. We're better now - in fact I think we're stronger. But, geesh, I just don't know if I can handle another discussion like that and I'm afraid that would be coming.

I guess I can't live in fear either.

I guess if you're reading this, say a prayer for my hubby so that he has the strength to get through the next one of these "self-awakenings" that I go through. I know I'll be fine when I come out on the other side, but I worry that my hubby is wearing out.

With friendship,

Care'

Crap.

07/11/2006

Well, I did it. I gave my notice to my boss yesterday afternoon. He pretty much looked at it and told me I'd have to deal with his boss, which was my worst fear. My boss' boss is the CEO of the company and man, is he a salesman!

Sure enough, around 4:00 yesterday he came up to me and asked that I meet with him this morning. I said no. He laughed. He said, "how about 10?"

So, last night I was really stressing out. I finally decided to just quit worrying and wait and see what happens.

10:00 rolled around this morning and I went to his office. Yep, he's one heck of a salesman.

Now I don't know what to do. I am SO confused. Bottom line, the benefits and immediate salary are better at the new job. But, the long-term growth potential and earnings are better at the current job.

Crap.

I talked about the stress level and the hours. Apparently, I'm not supposed to be killing myself like I am and that can immediately be rectified. He did remind me that I kind of have a controlling personality and that I'd probably work myself to death in the new job too. As much as I'd like to deny it, he's right. I do have a tendency to jump in head first and take on way too much responsibility.

New Job - better immediate pay
Current Job - better long term pay

New Job - long drive to work
Current Job - short drive to work

New Job - must dress up
Current Job - business casual is considered overdressed

New Job - 1 more week of vacation
Current Job - same amount of vacation

New Job - significantly better benefits (insurance, 401k etc)
Current Job - some benefits - they are okay - not great

So, what would you do? Do you dance with the one that brought you or go back to an old flame? (The new job is actually the job I had prior to this one.)

Dazed and confused,

Care'

Week #25: No Gain, No Loss, No Problem

07/08/2006

I think I finally figured out how to read my mom's scale (see previous post) and it appears that I'm holding steady at 193. Cool. Since I'm on vacation and it's that TOM, I'm pretty happy to be maintaining. Besides, I wasn't exactly an angel a couple of days this week. I caved in and enjoyed some Mexican food the other night.

The cool thing is, while I've been hanging out with Mom, she's picked up some of my eating habits. In fact, when she weighed yesterday, she was down 5 pounds! She is super excited and I'm happy for her. I think that was the jump start she needed to get her back on her weight loss plan.

My vacation ends tomorrow. I'm both happy and sad. Sad because, well, I have to go back to work! LOL! Happy because I miss my husband. (DS and I took the trip alone since DH NEVER gets any time off.) Jake and I had a blast - it's always fun hanging out at Nana's house - NO RULES! ;) But, we both miss Vince a lot. I just hope Vince remembers to pick us up at the airport tomorrow. We seem to have challenges with airport pick ups . . . .

I have to admit that I'm also excited to be going home. About two weeks ago I finally got THE JOB OFFER. (This was the one that started back in November of 2005. ) It's funny. Because it took so long to get everything worked out and because there were several times that I thought it was all going to fall apart, I didn't even blink an eye when the offer came in and immediately accepted. So, my start date is August 14th. That means that some time next week I'll be giving notice. I'm dreading it. I know my boss is going to be pissed and will try to talk me out of it. Then, his boss will try to talk me out of it. I'm not trying to be arogant - I just know this will happen. Since I've been there I've seen 5 people give notice, and all but 2 were successfully talked out of leaving. Ugh. Unfortunately, my boss' boss is one heck of a salesman, so I'm a little worried about the discussion. I just know that taking the new job is the right thing to do for me and my family. It will go a long way towards better work-life balance, which I so desparately need right now.

So, it's with a mixutre of excitement, sadness and glee that I face the journey back home tomorrow. Life is never dull, is it?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #24: Another 1.5 pounds - I think?

07/01/2006

Okay, so I'm in Kansas City on vacation with my son - we're hanging out with my mom for about a week and a half - and I know that I'll have two weigh ins while I'm here. Mom has a scale, so no problem right? I'll just make sure to calibrate it before I step on it to ensure I get a proper weight. Good idea. Done.

So, this morning I wake up at 6:30 as usual (darn bladder) and proceed down two flights of stairs to step on the scale, which is in the basement. I flip on the light and there it is . . . the world's largest scale. I mean, this thing is HUGE! Like three people could weigh at the same time, huge. And, to top it off, it's clunky to move around because one side is heavier that the other. "Oh well," I think, "Maybe I'll burn off a few calories while moving this thing in place."

So I get it to the middle of the bathroom and decide that I need to claibrate it. I look around to find something for which I know the weight. The logical thing is hand weights, but those are upstairs (two flights) and they are in my mom's bedroom. She is still sleeping and I don't want to wake her up. Time to get inventive. I go to the kitchen (upstairs, one flight) to see what I can find. I know that four sticks of butter is a pound so I try that - oops, 2 and a half sticks left. How about a 1 pound tub of cool whip? Darn, someone's been in the cool whip. How about canned food? That should work. I go to the cubbord and find a 1.5 pound jar of speghetti sauce. Eureka! It won't be perfect, but close enough.

So, I treck downstairs (one flight) again to weigh my speghetti sauce. It occurs to me how ridiculious this must look, but I shrug it off. I place the speghetti sauce on the scale and then calibrate it appropriately. Cool. I'm ready to roll.

I step on the scale. Can't see shit. Great. Left the glasses upstairs. So, do I go back upstairs (two flights) to get the glasses or do I just try to figure this out? I mean, I don't want my glasses to ADD weight, right?

Okay, I'm smart, I can figure this out. After all, I just successfully calibrated a scale with speghetti sauce . . .

So, I get off the scale and get a little closer to the read out. It's one of those old-fashioned dial thingies that was done in 4 point font or something that my parents bought when I was like 14. I stopped to ponder this for a moment - why would you put such a teeny, tiny font on such a big ass scale? Is it supposed to make us mad, cry or laugh? My sister would say it's art. It's showing the juxtaposition of something so tiny and graceful against something so heavy and clunky.

Whatever.

Okay, back to reality.

I notice that there are these little tiny marker things that can be moved around the face of the dial. I guess they are used to track progress, although they move pretty easily so I'm not sure how reliable that would be in my house full of cats. I decide that I'll move one of the markers about where I think the hand should land, and then skooch the marker around until it lines up with the hand.

Brilliant.

So, back up on the scale I go. Man, I really have to squint to see the hand and the marker. Imagine if I were 6 foot tall! I see the marker is a little off, so I step off the scale and skooch the marker a bit. On the scale again, quick check, off the scale, skooch, on the sale again, quick check, off the scale, skooch . . . .

I finally get what I believe is alignment. (And I think I may have gotten in some aerobic exercise at the same time).

I bend down to take the reading. Can't see it. So I get a little closer. Hmmmm, still can't really tell. I press my nose up against the glass. Darn it! The marker is wide enough that you can't tell if it's on 192, 192.5 or 193.

Is it time to get the glasses now? Yep.

Upstairs (two flights) to retrieve glasses. Back downstairs (two flights) to weigh again.

Apparently, I need to get new glasses, because I still can't tell if it's 192, 192.5 or 193.

I decide that I'll be conservative and pick 193. After all, that's still a pound and a half.

So, any bets on how many calories I burned while trying to weigh?

Oh crap! I left the speghetti sauce in the basement!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #23: Another Week, Another Half Pound

06/25/2006

Another half pound gone! This is great since I was on a business trip all last week. I find it VERY difficult to stay on plan while traveling. Just getting in all the water each day is a true struggle. I think that's because I pretty much have to talk the whole time, so I don't shut up long enough to take a sip. (And my hubby wonders why I'm so quiet when I get back from a trip!)

I plan to get back on the exercise wagon this week, now that my "sports injury" has officially healed. Plus, I'm leaving for vacation on Thursday, so I'm super-excited. Of course I'm running around like a mad woman trying to get everything done so I can leave with no worries. Wish me luck!

I met with some fellow NSers for lunch yesterday. As always, it was a lot of fun. I finally got to meet Pam, Fire and Jackie. Jackie is pretty new to NS and it was nice to see someone excited again. I think that helped re-motivate me.

I also got a TERRIFIC compliment on Friday of last week. I was going through the airport security line and I could tell that the TSA official was really comparing ids to faces. I knew I'd get a double-take since I'd been stopped on previous trips, but this time I got a triple-take. He looked at my license, then at me, then my license, then at me, then at my license (this time for a while) and then at me again. Finally, he said, "You've lost a lot of weight. Damn, you're HOT!" He he. I didn't kiss or hug him for saying it, but man, it was tempting. I've been floating on that compliment for a few days now.

Also, I FINALLY heard some news on the job front. It looks like things are starting to fall into place and I should have an offer in the very near future. How bad is that - go on vacation then come back and give notice? Knowing me I'll probably give a month notice anyway because the project I'm working on is SO close to being done. Plus, I don't want to dump the project on my fellow co-workers. I know, I know . . . I'm too nice. Maybe I'll just give enough notice that the guy on which the project will be dumped has a chance to get his vacation in. I'd hate it if he had to cancel it because of me.

Okay, well, I'm off to try and get the 100 things on my list done today. If anyone is bored and needs something to do, holler . . . I can probably find a task for you.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #22: Trying Really Hard to Get Back on Track

06/17/2006

Literally.

I'm trying so hard to get back on that treadmill track. In fact, to help motivate myself, I purchased some new running shoes and one of those fancy Enell sports bras that everyone is raving about. That did the trick - I managed to get on the treadmill last Sunday and ran part of the way. Felt GREAT! In fact, I was so proud of myself, I decided that I would set a goal to do it at least 3 times per week. (I figured the "you have to do this everyday" voice needed to be shushed with the "it's okay to do it three times a week" voice. More on that in a minute . . .)

When I took off my shoes, I had a HUGE blister on my left heal. OUCH! Now, when I say huge, I mean like it covers the entire heal, huge. I must not have had my shoe tight enough or something. WAH! I tried to give it another go on Thursday, but I couldn't even stand to walk with anything touching my heal - even with several layers of bandaids. So, on the down side, my exercise has been limited to stretching and resistance training (still good, of course) but on the up side I officially have my very first sports-related injury!

Boy, my dad would probably be proud of me that I actually have some type of sports-related injury. But, it's about making myself proud, not my dad. (Nope - not going there today . . . )

So, back to the voices inside my head. . .

I'm a member of the Jazzman's Boardroom, (great support site, by the way. Check out the link on the right.), and there was a post from one of our members that was feeling pretty down on herself and the diet. I could TOTALLY relate to her. It's like you know what you have to do to be successful, but sometimes you just don't want to do it. Some days you just resent the fact that you have to work this hard for what seems to come so easily for others. This is especially hard in my house since my wonderful husband barley weighs 125 when fully clothed, wet, and wearing steel-toed boots.

Anywho, I was reading her posts and the responses. One post in particular caught my eye. Basically, she said that, sometimes 80% is good enough. This really hit me right between my eyes.

I'm very much a perfectionist. Throughout my life I have tried things and quickly given them up because I didn't immediately master them and become the best at whatever it was that I was doing. I can list hundreds of things I've tried, and I won't bore you with the details, but weight loss is definately on the list. It seems like if I'm not 100% on plan, 100% on exercise, 100% on water, a little voice starts nagging me about my shortcomings.

Well, this post got me to thinking . . . yeah, I'm only doing 80% at times, but what if I were doing 0%? I'd be just as big as I was last November, or possibly even bigger.

So, I decided to create a new voice in my head - one that was fun and encouraging; one that could shut the other voice up. The new voice tells me that 80% is a success and that anything above that is that much better. The new voice pushes me in a positive way - "Wow! You lost one pound this week being 80%! Imagine what you could have lost if you were 85%!" and "Wow, you exercised three times this week! Way to go!" The new voice also makes me smile . . . I've given it a valley girl accent, so it's really like "OH MY GAWD! You like TOTALLY lost like one whole pound! Like WOW!" It also says stuff like "Gag me with a spoon" when the office orders in pizza. I know. It's dorky. But it helps me keep a sense of humor about this whole thing.

Okay . . . hearing voices in my head . . .talking like a valley girl . . .

You guys think I'm crazy, don't you?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #21: Serious Lack of Motivation Here

06/10/2006

I knew it was bound to happen.

I knew the day would come when I would begin to struggle with this weight loss thing.

But, I didn't expect it to show up so soon. I mean, I figured it would start getting hard to lose the weight when I got to around 160 - you know - closer to goal. But, here I am, still 60 pounds away from my target, and the weight is just not coming off. I know, I know - I had a 2 pound loss last week so the half a pound up this week is probably just my body adjusting.

I know that.

But, I miss those days in the first few months where I consistently lost between 2 - 2.5 pounds every week without fail. I honestly believed I would have at least 2-3 more months of that before I hit the yo-yo days.

I talked to Vince about it last night - you know, trying to really evaluate what I was doing and determine if there was room for improvement. There is, of course. I have been terrible on the exercise front. I don't know why . . . yes, I hate the "I need to exercise" tune going on in my head and I can't wait for it to be over when I'm doing it, but if feels great and I'm proud of myself when it's over. For a while there I was really consistent, but once I fell off the wagon I fell hard. I've made some half-hearted attempts over the past few months and have had periods where I did well, but lately - BLAH!!!!!

So, you know me, I started trying to psycho-analyze myself. Why won't I exericse when I know that is a huge key to my success?

Do I really hate exercise? Well, no, I don't hate it, but it's not my favorite thing. But it beats work.

Does it hurt when I exercise? No. It may hurt the treadmill some, but I have good shoes now and a bra that keeps the girls in place when I try to run. Also, the knees don't hurt since I've dropped enough weight.

Do I have the tools available to me to exercise? Yes. No excuse there! Although, I'd like some of those pink Nike running shoes . . .

Do I feel bad after exercising? No. Quite the opposite! I feel GREAT! POWERFUL! ENERGETIC!

Okay, so the act of exercising is NOT the problem . . .

Perhaps I am just scared of losing the weight. There, I said it.

I've been overweight for such a long time, it's part of my personality. I know that statement may sound strange, but it's true. I'm the funny girl that's everyone's friend. I've NEVER been the "hot girl" or the "pretty girl". (I may have been the "cute girl" at one point, but that was long ago.) So, I guess part of me is a little nervous about how that will feel. I mean, I am my own worst critic (who isn't) and I hope that, when I lose the weight, I'll be less self-deprecating. But, what if I'm not?

Think of my weight as my emotional armor. I've always used it as a crutch for blame when things didn't go my way.

Boyfriend broke up with me - it wasn't me; he's a jerk because I'm a little heavy.

Didn't get the promotion/job - it wasn't my qualifications; it's because I'm overweight.

Didn't get the great raise that a coworker got - it wasn't my performance; it's because the coworker isn't fat.

See what I mean?

I guess that, if I lose the weight, I'll be forced to face up to the fact that not everything is about my weight. (I probably need to face up to the fact that not everything in life is about ME, but that's a challenge for another day.) Perhaps I'm just not ready for that?

So, point #1 - need to exercise more.

Let' me refine that a bit.

Point #1 - Make the commitment to exercise daily and DO IT.

Now, the other element is the diet. I've been pretty good on that front, but I've been doing the plan with my own food. I was going to switch to my own food once I got to the 3/4 mark, but I had to do it sooner because it was getting pretty expensive. I kind of feel like a kid that thad their blankee taken away a little prematurely. Basically, when I had the NS foods available, I didn't have to think - pick from bucket A, B, C or D. Also, I could look at the food and see that what was there had to last a month. With it being as expensive as it is, it truly helped me stop any cheating.

Now I find myself thinking about food more, which is usually not a good thing for me. I'm also more likely to cheat a bit because I know I can just run to the store and get some more. And, (this one's a biggie) now that I'm obsessing about food again, it feels like more of a diet that a lifestyle change, and I'm spending less time thinking about all that crap I need to think about to get through this emotional stuff I'm trying to figure out.

So, point #2 - get back on the NS foods as soon as the summer is over. (Our expenses should go down then.)

The final element that Vince and I discussed was my job. I'm a walking stress ball. (Which is a really good reason to exercise, right?) But, in the past I've dealt with stress by eating. So, I'm more tempted to eat the bad stuff than I would be if I was in a less stressful situation.

Point #3 - find a less stressful job. I've been working on this point for a while. If you've been a reader for a while, you know I'm working on something with my former employer. But, it has been 8 months since the first discussion with them, and I'm losing patience. I can't keep my life on hold forever. So, if I don't hear back from them by July 14, (one week after my vacation), I'm officially starting the job search.

So, there it is. Now that I know WHAT I need to do, I need to do it.

With friendship,

Care'

You Know You're Not Spending Enough Time On Yourself When . . .

06/06/2006

. . . you find yourself shaving your legs in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

So, here's the entire story . . . .

I decided last night that I was going to soak in a bubble bath with a glass of wine (and shave my legs). But, the minute I got in the bath I was barraged with questions from the hubby and requests from the kid. Even the cats decided they needed to "watch" me take my bath. (Maybe it was the bubbles?) So, after about 5 minutes of this I decided that a long soak was not in the cards for me, so I did what I needed to do and ended the experience early.

Fast forward to this morning as I'm driving to work. I am wearing capri pants and reach down to scratch my leg. OH MY GOODNESS! I FORGOT TO SHAVE!

Now, this is really NOT that terrible in the grand scheme of things, but I cannot STAND to be wearing shorts or capris and have hairy legs.

I get a brilliant idea . . . I can stop at the store on the way in and take care of things.

So, I pull over at the Wal-Mart, go inside and buy a razor and some Dasani. (I also pick up a few other things so it doesn't look so strange - LOL!)

I go out to my car and, while hanging my legs out the driver's side door, I pour VERY COLD water on them and begin the shaving process. I'm pretty sure that I received many a strange look from passing cars. Perhaps they thought I was homeless?

Anyway, I finish up and, you guessed it, RAZOR BURN. I also managed to cut my left leg pretty badly. So, I fished in my purse and pulled out hand lotion and began the application process. Now, this lotion has some type of perfume in it that smells like . . . well . . . like an old lady. I remember that I had picked it up as a sample on a business trip and meant to toss it out! Add to this the fact that I have pretty sensitive skin . . . and we have major pain on our hands.

So, now we have legs that are ON FIRE, bleeding, stink to high heaven and are covered with burn marks. Sexy, eh?

Perhaps the hairy look would have been better? I mean, did I really think my co-workers would notice? And, if they did, would they have said something? Keep in mind that one of my coworkers has a bag-o-eyeballs on his desk . . .

I started back to work (made it on time, by the way) and started thinking . . . all of this drama could have been avoided if I had simply been allowed 15 minutes to enjoy my bath last night. Since I'm going through my mid-life crisis and am over-evaluating EVERYTHING, I start to think about the other areas of my life where I sacrifice time spent on me. I do it every hour of every day.

I think this may be very common among women. (And I'm sure there are some men out there that do this also, but I haven't met him yet.) Why do we do this? Is it genetic programming that keeps us from pampering ourselves? Or, is it because we have low self-images and somehow feel that we are not worthy of spending time on ourselves?

I don't know what the answer is . . . I'll have to ponder it more. But, I do know that I want to change this pattern of behavior in myself, and I intend to start today.

So, all my friends out there, take time to do something for yourself today, lest you find yourself shaving your legs in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #20 Down

06/03/2003

I can't believe it! I dropped 2 pounds this week. It has been a while since I've dropped that much. Lately I've had to be happy with a half a pound or a pound, but 2? WOO HOO!

I'm particularly pround because this week has been tough. I mean, like wanting to give up tough. I don't know if it's the job that's getting to me and causing everything else to seem impossible, or if I'm just tired of having to watch what I eat. NS was SOOOOOOOOOO much easier when I was using their food. Doing it with your own food adds an extra layer of complexity. You have to be more aware of what you are eating througout the day versus just eating out of the correct category. But, I am pretty pround of myself that I'm still able to lose while eating regular food.

Part of me thinks, "Wow! 36 pounds since starting NS!" Another part of me things, "Only 36 pounds?" It feels like I've been doing this FOREVER but it has really only been a few months. Lately I'm having to really remind myself that this isn't an overnight cure. I didn't put it on in 20 weeks so it's not coming off in 20 weeks. But, I'm ready to get to the finish line, know what I mean? I know that I'm learning a lot about myself as I go through this and that my body and brain NEED the time, but that driving part of my personality just wants to be done. I'm ready to buy new clothes because I'm sick of having "baggy butt" syndrome. I guess I'm tried of feeling sloppy.

On another note, I have some serious vacation time coming up at the end of the month. Jake and I will be going to Kansas to see my mom for 9 days. Vince is thrilled - he loves having the house to himself - LOL! I can't wait. I really need a mental break and I only seem to get that when I actually leave town.

So, how's everyone else doing?

With friendship,

Care'

Week #19: Another Half a Pound Gone

05/28/2006

As of today, I have lost a total of 34 pounds on NS. If you add the 6 pounds in I lost before NS, that's 40 pounds.

40 pounds.

40 pounds.

Can you say it with me? "40 pounds."

Geesh. That's a LOT!

That's only 5 pounds less than what my eight-year-old weighs.

How cool is that????

With friendship,

Care'

Week #18: Another 1.5 Gone!

05/21/2006

I'm happy to report a 1.5 pound loss this week. HORRAY! I'm only 3 pounds away from my next mini-goal.

I had the opportunity to have dinner last night with a few fellow NS members. I met Neil, Denise, Tonya and So for the first time in person and we had a great time. It was so nice to be with a group of people that understand the struggles you are going through, have been through, or are about to face. I normally don't "warm up" to people very quickly, but it was like I'd known these four forever! I hope we do it again soon.

This weekend my big task is to try and remove some clutter from my life. For some reason, I never want to let go of anything, but it's time to move out the old so that the new can come my way. DH better watch out because he may just be one of those old things I toss out - HA HA! I'm just tired of being surrounded by stuff that needs to be maintained and that no longer brings me joy. I guess it's time for a yard sale . .

Have a great weekend, everyone!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #17: Scale Went Up, But I'm Cool With It

05/14/2006

I weighed in yesterday morning and was up half a pound to 199.5. But, you know what? I'm totally okay. I wasn't exactly 100% on plan last week while I was on my business trip. I did GREAT on exercise, but I didn't do so well with the water. I think I was talking too much to get all the water in - LOL! And, even though I made healthy choices at mealtime, I probably took three more bites than I should have. So, that's why I'm cool with a half a pound increase. I felt like I indulged a bit last week, but managed to pretty much maintain my weight. That tells me that I'm really starting to get control of this eating thing. And, it lets me know that I can lose this weight and keep it off for the rest of my life.

It's funny when you reach this realization. . .

Suddenly, the number on the scale isn't that important. What use to be an opportunity to belittle myself has turned into something as important as looking at a clock - you need to know what time it is, but there's just no use in getting freaked.

Plus, I'm noticing a huge change in the shape of my body. It's almost like those weeks where I was losing very little or nothing at all were the time my body needed to adjust to the weight loss. It is so apparent that even I notice a difference in the mirror. A few people have commented and Vince has really made a big deal about the change. So, how could I possibly be down in the dumps when my body is starting to adopt the shape that it will ultimately become?

Watch out . . . I'm gonna be HOT. LOL!

Oh wait, I am hot already! :)

I've also been reading an interesting book this week called "Burnt Toast" by Teri Hatcher. Now, I'm not a huge fan or anything, but when I picked up the book and read the back, something just spoke to me, so I made the purchase. As I'm reading this book I'm thinking, "My goodness, I could have written this thing!" Sure, there's some stuff that doesn't apply to me, (i.e. the last time I checked I wasn't living in LA and appearing on TV), but her self-image and the rebuilding of her self-image is VERY familiar. She and I share the same views of media's protrayal of women, and she made me look at the whole weight issue from a different angle. I'll warn you, she can become a bit of a potty mouth at times, but it's an enjoyable read.

So, anyway, today marks the beginning of another week. Another opportunity for me to take steps to improve my health. Another opportunity to possitively impact other peoples' lives. Another opportunity to do something wonderful for myself.

Yes, I've turned corney over night . .

With friendship,

Care'

How I Cured my Craving for Chocolate

It's rare that I post more than once in a day, but this is just too good not to share.

So I'm at work (not getting much done) and I decide it's time for a chocolate fix. There's this one guy I work with that ALWAYS has mini-Reese's at his desk, so I decided to go grab a couple. I know, I know . . . I don't NEED them . . . I WANT them. . .

So, I go back there and, yep, there's the basket of Reese's. I grab two and something on his desk catches my eye. It's kind of strange looking so I bend over for a closer look.

It's a clear bag full of eyeballs (about 30).

I laugh - what a prankster he is - HA HA HA.

I decide that I'm going to mess with HIM before he gets a chance to mess with me! Visions (pun intended) of putting the eyeballs in his desk, on top of his monitor, on his phone, inside empty Reese's wrappers, etc. dance through my head. This will be especially funny because I'll be out of town next week. MMMMUUUUHHHAHAHAHAHA!

I reach out to pick up the bag-o-eyeballs. My fingertips are within millimeters of the bag when I remember . . . my co-worker has a glass eye!

So, I almost played what would have been a REALLY MEAN joke on someone!

Also . . . EEEEEEWWWWW!

The EEEEEEWWWW comes in not because he has a glass eye, but bececuase I almost touched someone's eyeball! I mean, I know glass eyeballs probably feel like marbles, but they look so real that I expect them to FEEL real.

So, after that little "eye-opening" experience, I decided that maybe I didn't want any chocolate after all. I mean, how could I eat with everyone starring at me??????

Here's looking at you,

Care'

Week #16 - ONEDERLAND!

05/06/2006

Yeah, you heard me.

I'm in ONEDERLAND, baby! And it feels great!

I tell ya, I've been doing the happy dance all day. I feel like I could just shout because I'm so thrilled! Maybe being stuck for those 4 weeks has helped make this sweeter . . . who knows?

Okay, so, next week I'll be traveling to Ohio on a business trip, and I'm worried. I'm not worried about the food, because I know I can handle that . . . I proved it on my last trip when I came back home with a 5 pound loss. What I'm worried about is exercise.

You see, before my last trip (back in February) I had gotten into a very good routine. When I went on the business trip I fell out of it because (a) the hotel we stay at doesn't have exercise facilities, (b) we end up working pretty late because we're with the client all day and have to work in the evenings, and (c) I don't have a DVD player in my laptop to bring along exercise DVDs.

After that last trip I just could NOT get back into the routine. In fact, it has only been in the last two weeks that I've re-established the routine, and now I have to break it again.

So, I'm counting on my blog buddies to give me a good kick in the butt next Saturday so that I'll get back on track.

With friendship,

Care'

Dancing on the Troll Bridge

05/04/2006

It finally happened!

I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at 200 pounds! That is a very major milestone for me and I am so exicited to finally be here. Just a sad little half a pound more and I'm in onederland!

Next mini-goal = 195.

I guess the only bad news is that exercise really IS important! LOL!

With friendship,

Care'

Week #15 - That Scale is MOVING Again!

04/29/2006


FINALLY!

The scale showed a 2 pound loss this week! WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

I'm now at 201 - just two sad little pounds away from Onederland! And, I've earned my 30 pound bear! I sure had to work hard for that little guy!

With friendship,

Care'

Everyone is Safe Again - LOL!

04/28/2006

You'll be happy to know that I didn't hit, punch, slap or flick anyone yesterday, despite my burning desire to do so! LOL!

I think I'm going to take Diane's advice and try to establish some boundries. I don't know if it's too late or not, but it can't hurt to try, right? I mentioned to my boss that there was a task on my plate that I felt could be handled by one of my co-workers. I about fell out of my chair when he agreed. I also let him know that I was felling a little burnt out. I know that won't change my workload, but maybe he'll give me some slack. We'll see.

On another topic, I was on The Jazzman's site today and Neil posted this video. I have tears in my eyes, so you MUST check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

How many calories do you think this will burn?

With friendship,

Care'

UGH! Sometimes it's all Just too Much

04/27/2006

Do you ever feel completely and totally overwhelmed? Lately that seems to be a constant state for me. Work has been CRAZY and there's no sign of it ever letting up. In fact, I'm getting a little sick of working 50 hours a week and STILL not getting everything done and getting beat up for it. I'm in a project manager position for a couple of our clients so, if the work isn't done on time, then I'm the one in the firing line. Then, they call the boss and he gripes at me. He wants to know what I need to make it better, I tell him, but I never get what I need. The truth of it is that we are seriously understaffed and overworked. This is not an exaggeration . . I literally walk in the door on Monday with over 100 hours of work to do each week. How is that possible to accomplish? And, we continue to take on more business. The amazing thing is that we usually get it all done, but at what cost? I see my co-workers burning out and, quite frankly, I think I'm starting to get a little singed around the edges myself.

That's very discouraging for me, because I'm such a go-getter. I love to work hard and take what seems impossible and make it happen. But I'm finding that, the harder I work, the harder I'm expected to work. I find it very difficult to get motivated when I know the tasks are not possible to accomplish and when there is no reward at the end except for more work. I seriously could work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week and STILL not be done. And, I'm not really doing anything important! If I were finding the cure for cancer or something I might feel a little less bitter about the time commitment.

It really frustrates me that I need to work all these weekends, too. What about my family? What about ME? I feel guilty if I'm working because I'm not with the family. I feel guilty if I *gasp* take the weekend off because I should be working. My house is a wreak because I don't have time to clean. We almost ran out of underwear the other day because I haven't had a chance to do laundry!

I'm finding it really hard to motivate my team when I want to walk out the door myself. No lie . . . I said to myself the other day "I just want to go home." Problem is - I was still at home sitting in the bathtub getting ready to go to work! That's pretty bad!

I really like what I do, but the conditions under which I'm having to do it just isn't working for me. It's hard to believe that only a week ago I was questioning if it was time to move on. I think I have my answer now - LOL! Now, if only the other job will call! Hopefully I'll hear something soon. The idea of being able to work from home two days a week is so appealing. I mean, I might actually have a chance to wash the underwear . . .

Now, top all of this off with me fretting over my weight and we have a powder keg here. My normal coping mechanism of eating is no longer an option. Fortunately, I've only had a couple of times when I wanted to eat, so I've been able to control that. The problem is that I'm finding that I want to hit someone instead! You know, really sock it to 'em - knock the crap out of 'em! But, I can't do that either. Can I?

Perhaps I should take up boxing?

This is somewhat comical to me since I'm such a non-violent person! Like right now, right this minute, if someone were to come up and ask me a dumb question (which is an hourly occurance) I'd like to just pop 'em one. Even if it was just to flick them with my finger . . .

Okay, now I'm laughing at myself. Could you imagine the look on their face? LOL!

Gee, I feel better now. This blog thing really is useful!

All right, back to work for me since the pile isn't getting any smaller. I promise I won't hit anyone. . . today . . . LOL!

With friendship,

Care'