02/27/2006
Yikes, the last few days have been a true test of my willpower. I haven't posted about the challenges we're having with our son, because, well, I'm just embarassed, to be quite honest. But, I'm at the end of that proverbable rope and am having trouble making any decisions anymore - good OR bad. I do know that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) has really helped me to clarify some things and has allowed me to view them in a new light.
We've been having issues with my son (7 years old) in school. Really, the problems have been around since Kindergarten - not paying attention, getting into fights, hyperactivity, etc. In Kindergarten the behavior only occurred from time to time, so we figured he would outgrow it. In 1st grade it was a constant battle. His teacher and school principal suggested that we have him tested for ADD/ADHD. I immediately started researching ADD/ADHD and tried the natural remedies to deal with it. We had great success by simply modifying his diet (removing sugar), and the number of times we would have problems descreased.
2nd grade has been up and down. Every day I go to work hoping and praying that my cell phone won't ring. We got off to a rough start, then everything was fine for a while. Since Christmas break, however, it's been bad again. I've even gone so far as to ask the school to do emotional, psychological and physical testing on him in order to ensure he's A-okay. Who knows, maybe the fire we had back in December affected him in some way? That's been the only major "event" in our lives.
So, I have this bright, loving, intelligent little guy (his school work is very good) who has periods of time where he seems to completely lose control. His behavior can best be classified as aggressive. We've noticed that the aggressiveness is usually caused by frustration. He doesn't get his way, he doesn't understand the assignment, he doesn't think something is fair, a kid won't play with him, etc. Unfortunately, because of his "record" he has been suspended from school again. (2 times this year; 1 time last year). Tomorrow the school is making us take a tour of the alternative learning facility - i.e. the place where the "bad" kids go. I guess the tactic is to scare him straight. (Which, if he truly has an emotional/psychological problem, how will this help?)
I'm devistated, angry, upset . . . you name it.
First of all, I do NOT condone the way my child has been behaving. However, I am just a little bit upset that the school feels like this is the next step - especially when I asked them just 2 weeks ago to begin the evaluation. Also, I discovered that he had been getting sugar again at school, which he is not supposed to have. It usually takes 3 weeks off of sugar before we see an improvement in behavior and it's only been 2 weeks. So, 2 weeks ago when I met with the school I felt like we had found a possible source of the increased bad behavior and had a workable plan to help him be successful. But, now because he was aggressive toward another student on Friday we have to tour this other learning facility. (Before you think something too bad, he and another kid hit each other).
I know the school is frustrated with him - hey, so are we! I also understand that they need to ensure they are providing a safe learning environment for all the children that are there. But, I feel like they've already written him off.
Part of me wants to pull him out of public school and put him in private school, but if he can't cope in public school what makes me think he'll be able to in private school?
Another part of me wants to home school him. DH and I took a very hard look at the finances this weeknd - even considered filing bankruptcy, but the bottom line is that we just cannot afford to do it and I cannot bring myself to file bankruptcy (maybe it's all those years as a banker in me). Plus, DH doesn't want to home school, so how could that be successful? I applaud all those parents out there that do this, and I think my kid would benefit from it, but I think the parent that is doing the teaching has to believe in it and be dediated to it. I'd do it, but there's even less of a chance of us affording life than if DH were to quit his job.
Then, another part of me just wants to leave him in public school and hope for the best. He's getting a great education (we're in a wonderful school district) and he needs to learn how to deal with frustration and stress at some point - right?
The stress is starting to take a toll on my marriage. In fact, I told DH I would give him a divorce if he wanted it. No sense in both of us being balls of stress all the time, right? Plus, I've put DH through enough hell with my fear of abandonment and difficulty in receiving and giving love. I'm getting much better on that front, by the way, and our marriage has never been better! But, I see what this kid-stuff is doing to my DH. He doesn't smile anymore and he seems so angry. I don't want him to be angry and stressed. He deserves to be happy. And, my son deserves a happy home.
We talked and we're not getting a divorce (DH says I'll never get rid of him that easily), but I think it was still a good discussion nonetheless. He agreed to try and be more positive at home. Plus, he told me that, if he did leave, he would still be stressed and worry about his son as much as he does now and that he would be miserable without me on top of that. I was surprised by this statement. When my mom and bio-dad divorced, it felt like I was forgotten. Now that my mom and step-dad (who I consider my dad) are divorced, I feel forgotten all over again. It never occurred to me that DH would give our son a 2nd thought if we parted ways. Am I screwed up or what?
So, today I took the evaluations that I had DS' teachers complete in the past to his doctor, and we have an appointment on Friday to determine if he does have ADD/ADHD. Now, I do not believe he does, and I'm willing to bet a pretty penny that his doctor will say that he does not have it. But, maybe if I can prove to the school that he doesn't have it, they will back off of it. Sometimes I feel like they don't hold him accountable for his behavior because they think he can't help it. And, by the time the teachers try to get him under control it's too late. My kid is pretty manipulative - we caught him practicing crying at age 3!
I know, I sounds like I'm going back and forth, and I probably am. I'm a frustrated parent who wants the best for her kid, is tired of worrying all the time and is trying to find the key to getting her kid to behave without putting him on drugs. (I know that some parents have had great success with ADD/ADHD medications, but I'm sorry, I just won't put my kid on them.)
So, from a diet standpoint I've been very good about not eating when I'm sad, happy, despressed or stressed about work, but this kid thing is really taking its toll. I've had a migraine all day today along with an upset stomach and have pretty much just wanted to eat and cry. Of course, because DS is suspended today I'm home with him, so his presence has kept me honest. But, I'm really battling right now. My kid is more important than my waistline. I don't want to eat, but I need to calm down so I can think clearly again. Yes, eating that cheeseburger will not make me think clearly, I know that. But, at least I'd have only one argument screaming in my head instead of two.
And just when I thought I was getting all this emotional eating under control!
sigh
With friendship,
Care'
Monday, February 27, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Week #6 Results
02/25/2006
I'm back from my business trip and am happy to report a 2.5 lb loss! I truly am surprised that I lost because it was a struggle trying to eat healthy during dinner time. It wasn't so much that I was tempted as it was just plain difficult to find something on the menu that fit into the plan. I guess I did better than I thought! I was prepared to see the scale move up and decided that I would be thrilled if it stayed the same. I literally did a double-take this morning when I saw the scale move downward.
So, that means I've beat yet another mini-goal and am racing towards my next one of 210!
With friendship,
Care'
I'm back from my business trip and am happy to report a 2.5 lb loss! I truly am surprised that I lost because it was a struggle trying to eat healthy during dinner time. It wasn't so much that I was tempted as it was just plain difficult to find something on the menu that fit into the plan. I guess I did better than I thought! I was prepared to see the scale move up and decided that I would be thrilled if it stayed the same. I literally did a double-take this morning when I saw the scale move downward.
So, that means I've beat yet another mini-goal and am racing towards my next one of 210!
With friendship,
Care'
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I told you it would be a better day! :)
02/21/2006
I re-read my post from Sunday and, man, do I sound like a whiner or what? I guess that's part of life - ups and downs; highs and lows. I do know that I'm glad I wrote about what I was feeling instead of trying to mask it with potato chips and ice cream. One step at a time, right?
Yesterday was a travel day for me for my business trip this week. I believe I mentioned before that I had my hair cut and completely changed . . . and my face is noticeably different (I can see cheekbones now and I only have 2 chins instead of 2 and a half). Well, airport security felt that I did not look enough like my id so I required further inspection. I was too excited about no longer looking like that girl on my license that I didn't mind the inconvenience. So, that was a nice "upper" after my major "downer" on Sunday.
This week is my first week where I'll be trying to stay on plan without the food. I did pack breakfasts, lunches and desserts so that I'll only be tempted during dinner. I think I did really great last night. We went to Abuelo's and I ordered the vegetable fajitas. Man, they were GOOD! Tonight may have been a different story, however. We went to PF Chang's. I got the lettuce wraps appetizer after reviewing the menu for a while. I ate more that I should have, but I didn't clean the plate like I normally would. When I got back to the hotel I checked the nutrition information online. Yikes! It was a bit high in calories! Hopefully I didn't go over by too much since I skipped my afternoon snack. When I weighed before I left town I had hit my mini-goal of 215, so I'd like to be there or lower when I get home.
So, all in all the last couple of days have been better. I am enjoying having heat in my hotel room, my heat at home should be restored by the time I return, and I'm enjoying some well-deserved alone time.
With friendship,
Care'
I re-read my post from Sunday and, man, do I sound like a whiner or what? I guess that's part of life - ups and downs; highs and lows. I do know that I'm glad I wrote about what I was feeling instead of trying to mask it with potato chips and ice cream. One step at a time, right?
Yesterday was a travel day for me for my business trip this week. I believe I mentioned before that I had my hair cut and completely changed . . . and my face is noticeably different (I can see cheekbones now and I only have 2 chins instead of 2 and a half). Well, airport security felt that I did not look enough like my id so I required further inspection. I was too excited about no longer looking like that girl on my license that I didn't mind the inconvenience. So, that was a nice "upper" after my major "downer" on Sunday.
This week is my first week where I'll be trying to stay on plan without the food. I did pack breakfasts, lunches and desserts so that I'll only be tempted during dinner. I think I did really great last night. We went to Abuelo's and I ordered the vegetable fajitas. Man, they were GOOD! Tonight may have been a different story, however. We went to PF Chang's. I got the lettuce wraps appetizer after reviewing the menu for a while. I ate more that I should have, but I didn't clean the plate like I normally would. When I got back to the hotel I checked the nutrition information online. Yikes! It was a bit high in calories! Hopefully I didn't go over by too much since I skipped my afternoon snack. When I weighed before I left town I had hit my mini-goal of 215, so I'd like to be there or lower when I get home.
So, all in all the last couple of days have been better. I am enjoying having heat in my hotel room, my heat at home should be restored by the time I return, and I'm enjoying some well-deserved alone time.
With friendship,
Care'
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Identity Crisis
02/19/2006
I had Vince take some more pics of me yesterday so that I can chart my progress. Unfortunately, every time I have him take pics, I look at them and become immediately depressed. For so long now I have avoided being in any photos and, if I am forced to be in one, I do everything I can to avoid looking at it.
What I see when I look at those photographs is a fat, out-of-shape, ugly person. What I see when I look in the mirror is a young woman who's on the heavy side but is pretty cute. So, who's telling the truth? The camera or the mirror?
Or, do I have some sort of internal mechanism that "taints" my view of myself in the mirror so that I will actually step out in public every day? Maybe I've built up some sort of defense mechanism for the mirror because I have to use it every day?
Then, to add insult to injury, I decided to flip through the latest Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog. I design clothing and accessories, so I told myself that I was doing it for research - what's in, hot colors, etc. But, after I finished flipping I only had a couple of new ideas but a whole lot more depression.
Before I knew it, I wanted to EAT and I wanted to CRY. I didn't eat. Instead I made Vince and Jake get dressed and we all went bowling. (I stink at bowling, by the way. Jake beat us all!). I thought that getting some activity in would help lift my spirits. It did, for a little while.
When we returned home I was once again faced with the shambles of my house. It's such a mess and will be for a while until all the repairs are done from the fire. I don't have a super fancy house, but I like it to be clean and organized. When you have a table saw and air compressor in your living room and sheetrock in your bedroom, it's not clean OR organized. I was standing there thinking "I don't see myself correctly and this is not my house, who in the heck am I?"
I decided to take charge because I knew I had to get out of the funk I was in or else I'd be heading for the ice cream. The first thing I did was toss the Victoria's Secret catalog in the trash. Well, Vince went to take out the trash, noticed the magazine, and said, "Hey, I haven't had a chance to look at this yet." I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. Vince was dumbfounded. Lately he's had this confident, energetic wife who's been fixing her hair, wearing more makeup and dressing nicer that's suddenly turned into a blithering idiot. I would have felt sorry for him if I weren't upsent about him wanting to look at the magazine.
Okay, guys, before you blast me . . . I know it doesn't mean anything when you look at stuff like that . . . or . . . to state it another way . . . you guys think it doesn't mean anything, and maybe it doesn't - to you.
But, for some women, it does mean something to them. For me, when I look at a magazine like that I see a body type that I will NEVER be. I'm not 6 foot tall and under 125 lbs, and I will never be that because I haven't figured out a way to grow another 8 inches. I know that about myself and I'm okay with it, but it hurts when the hubby shows an interest in shapes like that. It makes me feel like I will never be able to make him happy.
I realize I am being incredibly shallow here, but this is all part of why I'm as heavy as I am and how I am wired. If I don't talk about it, I can't deal with it, right?
Of course, Vince and I are fine. He hugged me, told me he was very proud of me and was in this with me for the jouney. He realizes I will have up and down days as I deal with my weight and the deep emotional issues that are the cause of the weight. He said that I can lean on him when I just don't have the strength. Of course, that made me cry more! LOL!
So, what's the point of the post? I'm not really sure it has one. As I've been going through all of this emotional stuff and watching the scale drop, I'm being forced to see myself in a new way. I like some of the things I see and I don't like some of the other things I see. I'm not yet really sure what to do about the things I don't like, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I do know that I don't like my appearance and that IS something I am working on and IS something that I'm making great progress on.
In the meantime, I've decided to only take 3 more sets of pictures. I have the ones when I began and I'll take a set at 24 lbs lost, 48.5 lbs lost, 72.5 lbs lost and at 96.5 lbs lost (goal). Maybe the difference of 24 lbs will be more noticable than the ones I took yesterday.
Here's to a better day.
With friendship,
Care'
I had Vince take some more pics of me yesterday so that I can chart my progress. Unfortunately, every time I have him take pics, I look at them and become immediately depressed. For so long now I have avoided being in any photos and, if I am forced to be in one, I do everything I can to avoid looking at it.
What I see when I look at those photographs is a fat, out-of-shape, ugly person. What I see when I look in the mirror is a young woman who's on the heavy side but is pretty cute. So, who's telling the truth? The camera or the mirror?
Or, do I have some sort of internal mechanism that "taints" my view of myself in the mirror so that I will actually step out in public every day? Maybe I've built up some sort of defense mechanism for the mirror because I have to use it every day?
Then, to add insult to injury, I decided to flip through the latest Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog. I design clothing and accessories, so I told myself that I was doing it for research - what's in, hot colors, etc. But, after I finished flipping I only had a couple of new ideas but a whole lot more depression.
Before I knew it, I wanted to EAT and I wanted to CRY. I didn't eat. Instead I made Vince and Jake get dressed and we all went bowling. (I stink at bowling, by the way. Jake beat us all!). I thought that getting some activity in would help lift my spirits. It did, for a little while.
When we returned home I was once again faced with the shambles of my house. It's such a mess and will be for a while until all the repairs are done from the fire. I don't have a super fancy house, but I like it to be clean and organized. When you have a table saw and air compressor in your living room and sheetrock in your bedroom, it's not clean OR organized. I was standing there thinking "I don't see myself correctly and this is not my house, who in the heck am I?"
I decided to take charge because I knew I had to get out of the funk I was in or else I'd be heading for the ice cream. The first thing I did was toss the Victoria's Secret catalog in the trash. Well, Vince went to take out the trash, noticed the magazine, and said, "Hey, I haven't had a chance to look at this yet." I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. Vince was dumbfounded. Lately he's had this confident, energetic wife who's been fixing her hair, wearing more makeup and dressing nicer that's suddenly turned into a blithering idiot. I would have felt sorry for him if I weren't upsent about him wanting to look at the magazine.
Okay, guys, before you blast me . . . I know it doesn't mean anything when you look at stuff like that . . . or . . . to state it another way . . . you guys think it doesn't mean anything, and maybe it doesn't - to you.
But, for some women, it does mean something to them. For me, when I look at a magazine like that I see a body type that I will NEVER be. I'm not 6 foot tall and under 125 lbs, and I will never be that because I haven't figured out a way to grow another 8 inches. I know that about myself and I'm okay with it, but it hurts when the hubby shows an interest in shapes like that. It makes me feel like I will never be able to make him happy.
I realize I am being incredibly shallow here, but this is all part of why I'm as heavy as I am and how I am wired. If I don't talk about it, I can't deal with it, right?
Of course, Vince and I are fine. He hugged me, told me he was very proud of me and was in this with me for the jouney. He realizes I will have up and down days as I deal with my weight and the deep emotional issues that are the cause of the weight. He said that I can lean on him when I just don't have the strength. Of course, that made me cry more! LOL!
So, what's the point of the post? I'm not really sure it has one. As I've been going through all of this emotional stuff and watching the scale drop, I'm being forced to see myself in a new way. I like some of the things I see and I don't like some of the other things I see. I'm not yet really sure what to do about the things I don't like, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I do know that I don't like my appearance and that IS something I am working on and IS something that I'm making great progress on.
In the meantime, I've decided to only take 3 more sets of pictures. I have the ones when I began and I'll take a set at 24 lbs lost, 48.5 lbs lost, 72.5 lbs lost and at 96.5 lbs lost (goal). Maybe the difference of 24 lbs will be more noticable than the ones I took yesterday.
Here's to a better day.
With friendship,
Care'
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Week #5 Results
02/18/2006
The results are in and I've lost 1.5 lbs this week. That puts me at 215.5 with a total loss of 16 lbs! And . . . I'm only .5 lbs away from my mini-goal.
Remember I was telling you about my pants getting too big? Well, I ordered a pair of size 16's off of ebay last week, and then worried that they wouldn't fit yet. When I got home from work yesterday they had arrived, so I decided to go ahead and give them a try. The whole time I'm getting ready to try them on I'm psyching myself up . . . "they may not fit yet, but that's okay" or "if you can get them past your hips that's a great accomplishment." Imagine my surprise when I found that, they not only fit, but they are already a tad too big!
So, being super-excited, I decided to try on an old pair of 14's that somehow survived the last Goodwill sweep. I pull them on, they went past my knees . . . they went past my hips . . . they went up to my waist! I couldn't button them, but it felt great to get that far. I figure another 5-7 lbs and those jeans will fit too!
On another front I believe I had mentioned that pizza is one of those foods that I really, really miss. Well, my uncle and one of his employees have been at my house the last few nights installing our new heating unit. Vince called me before I got home to let me know that he had ordered pizza for the crew and to give me time to build my resolve. I got home and the pizzas arrived a few minutes later. I let the guys eat (including Jake) hoping they would eat it all, because I knew that if there was one little sad pepperioni left, I was going to have it. Of course, there were a few slices left.
I thought about it for a few minutes and decided that I wanted to eat some pizza. I did some self reflection to make sure . . .
Do I want the pizza because I had a bad day? No.
Do I want the pizza because I am feeling down? No.
Do I want the pizza because I don't feel like cooking? No.
Do I want the pizza because it will somehow make me feel better? No.
Why do I want the pizza? Because I want to enjoy the taste of it and because I am hungry.
So, I decided to have some. I ate it. It tasted good, but it wasn't great. In fact, it was a bit disappointing. (I think my taste buds have changed). A few minutes later I felt extremely bloated and tired. I ended up dozing off at 8:00 p.m.!
I'm glad I ate it because it now no longer has any "power" over me. I don't miss pizza one little bit now, so that is a temptation I will never have to worry about again. Now I need to get over the power of a Whataburger with Cheese and Jalepenos!
I'm so exicted and pleased with my results so far. I can't wait to see what the next 5 weeks hold!
With friendship,
Care'
The results are in and I've lost 1.5 lbs this week. That puts me at 215.5 with a total loss of 16 lbs! And . . . I'm only .5 lbs away from my mini-goal.
Remember I was telling you about my pants getting too big? Well, I ordered a pair of size 16's off of ebay last week, and then worried that they wouldn't fit yet. When I got home from work yesterday they had arrived, so I decided to go ahead and give them a try. The whole time I'm getting ready to try them on I'm psyching myself up . . . "they may not fit yet, but that's okay" or "if you can get them past your hips that's a great accomplishment." Imagine my surprise when I found that, they not only fit, but they are already a tad too big!
So, being super-excited, I decided to try on an old pair of 14's that somehow survived the last Goodwill sweep. I pull them on, they went past my knees . . . they went past my hips . . . they went up to my waist! I couldn't button them, but it felt great to get that far. I figure another 5-7 lbs and those jeans will fit too!
On another front I believe I had mentioned that pizza is one of those foods that I really, really miss. Well, my uncle and one of his employees have been at my house the last few nights installing our new heating unit. Vince called me before I got home to let me know that he had ordered pizza for the crew and to give me time to build my resolve. I got home and the pizzas arrived a few minutes later. I let the guys eat (including Jake) hoping they would eat it all, because I knew that if there was one little sad pepperioni left, I was going to have it. Of course, there were a few slices left.
I thought about it for a few minutes and decided that I wanted to eat some pizza. I did some self reflection to make sure . . .
Do I want the pizza because I had a bad day? No.
Do I want the pizza because I am feeling down? No.
Do I want the pizza because I don't feel like cooking? No.
Do I want the pizza because it will somehow make me feel better? No.
Why do I want the pizza? Because I want to enjoy the taste of it and because I am hungry.
So, I decided to have some. I ate it. It tasted good, but it wasn't great. In fact, it was a bit disappointing. (I think my taste buds have changed). A few minutes later I felt extremely bloated and tired. I ended up dozing off at 8:00 p.m.!
I'm glad I ate it because it now no longer has any "power" over me. I don't miss pizza one little bit now, so that is a temptation I will never have to worry about again. Now I need to get over the power of a Whataburger with Cheese and Jalepenos!
I'm so exicted and pleased with my results so far. I can't wait to see what the next 5 weeks hold!
With friendship,
Care'
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Getting so close . . .
02/15/2006
I weighed this morning and I'm down another 1 lb, so only 1 more to go until I reach my next mini-goal of 215. 215 has been the weight I've actually admitted to! Something about 215 is so exciting. I think it's because I've lost 15.5 lbs in 4 1/2 weeks, so I could potentially weigh less than 200 in another 4 1/2 more! That would put me at under 200 by March 20.
I am so happy I have decided to take charge of my weight as well as some of those other issues in my life. It's been an emotional experience with highs and lows, but I feel so much more empowered that I have before.
As part of the ever-evolving me, I treated myself to a rather expensive hair cut last weekend - took off about 5 inches. I now have short hair! It's amazing how many compliments I have been getting. I guess that hair was weighing me down too. I am doing a follow-up appointment on Saturday to get some hi- and lo- lights added in, so that should be fun. It feels so decadent to actually treat myself. I normally take care of everyone else first.
I know I still need to post some before pics, but I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet. I'll get some recent pics as well so you can see the new "do" and my progress so far. I'm not sure how noticable a 14 lb loss will be, but if feels noticable to me.
On another front we're getting close to having heat again. I don't think I've mentioned this, but our house caught on fire back in December. It turned out that our heating unit is what caught on fire, so that and all the duct work had to be removed. Our house had fir downs, so that also meant that the ceilings had to be removed in order to remove the duct work. It's been quite a journey, but all the duct work is finished and the new heating and A/C units were delivered yesterday. They will be installed over the next few days. I thank the Lord that my uncle does this for a living and has been so generous to do everything for us at cost. Our insurance check barely covered the duct work, much less the units and ceiling repairs. I'm also very fortunate that Vince is a master carpenter, so we've done all of the work ourselves. (Hey, I help . . . I bring him his hammer and a Pepsi when he needs it!)
So, I'm getting close on a few things -
-Close to meeting my next mini-goal
-Close to onederland
-Close to having heat again
-Close to having my house back in order (it's a construction zone right now!)
-Close to resolving some "stuff" that I've avoided for a very long time.
Take care!
With friendship,
Care'
I weighed this morning and I'm down another 1 lb, so only 1 more to go until I reach my next mini-goal of 215. 215 has been the weight I've actually admitted to! Something about 215 is so exciting. I think it's because I've lost 15.5 lbs in 4 1/2 weeks, so I could potentially weigh less than 200 in another 4 1/2 more! That would put me at under 200 by March 20.
I am so happy I have decided to take charge of my weight as well as some of those other issues in my life. It's been an emotional experience with highs and lows, but I feel so much more empowered that I have before.
As part of the ever-evolving me, I treated myself to a rather expensive hair cut last weekend - took off about 5 inches. I now have short hair! It's amazing how many compliments I have been getting. I guess that hair was weighing me down too. I am doing a follow-up appointment on Saturday to get some hi- and lo- lights added in, so that should be fun. It feels so decadent to actually treat myself. I normally take care of everyone else first.
I know I still need to post some before pics, but I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet. I'll get some recent pics as well so you can see the new "do" and my progress so far. I'm not sure how noticable a 14 lb loss will be, but if feels noticable to me.
On another front we're getting close to having heat again. I don't think I've mentioned this, but our house caught on fire back in December. It turned out that our heating unit is what caught on fire, so that and all the duct work had to be removed. Our house had fir downs, so that also meant that the ceilings had to be removed in order to remove the duct work. It's been quite a journey, but all the duct work is finished and the new heating and A/C units were delivered yesterday. They will be installed over the next few days. I thank the Lord that my uncle does this for a living and has been so generous to do everything for us at cost. Our insurance check barely covered the duct work, much less the units and ceiling repairs. I'm also very fortunate that Vince is a master carpenter, so we've done all of the work ourselves. (Hey, I help . . . I bring him his hammer and a Pepsi when he needs it!)
So, I'm getting close on a few things -
-Close to meeting my next mini-goal
-Close to onederland
-Close to having heat again
-Close to having my house back in order (it's a construction zone right now!)
-Close to resolving some "stuff" that I've avoided for a very long time.
Take care!
With friendship,
Care'
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Week #4 Results
02/11/2006
I'll keep it brief today since I wrote a novel yesterday - LOL!
I lost 5 lbs this week! After losing only 1 lb last week, I wasn't expecting such terrific results! From what I've read on the various boards, it appears that week #3 is pretty tough on some people, so include me in that crowd. For those of you in week #3 or where week #3 is coming - just hang tough!
Wow - 14.5 lbs gone. That's amazing! I was talking to my mom the other day and she said that 7 lbs is a dress size. So, that means I should be down 2 sizes. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
I did the Billy Blanks Basic Boot Camp last night . . . or maybe a more appropriate thing to say is it did me! LOL! That's the first exercise video I've seen where the people being filmed are sweating their butts off. I only made it through about half of it (30 mins) and I had to march in place through some of it, but it was fun. I knew I was getting a work out. At one point you had to do push ups. I was thinking "oh boy, here we go," but I managed to do about 15 out of 20. Of course, they are the ones where you are on your knees, but a month ago I wouldn't have been able to do one.
I also picked up a speed jump rope for when I travel. (I have a business trip coming up the week of the 20th.) Since I can't take my treadmill on the plane and the rooms don't have DVD players, I wanted something that would help me get a bit of a workout in. I did the jump rope yesterday morning, fully expecting to fall on my face, but I actually managed to do it. Jake was impressed!
All right . . . I said I was going to be brief. I guess I lied!
Next mini-goal is 215. I'm only 2 lbs away.
March 20th goal is 200. With the 5 lb drop I had this week that means I need to lose about 3.2 lbs each week for the next 5 weeks. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but that sure seems do-able.
With friendship,
Care'
I'll keep it brief today since I wrote a novel yesterday - LOL!
I lost 5 lbs this week! After losing only 1 lb last week, I wasn't expecting such terrific results! From what I've read on the various boards, it appears that week #3 is pretty tough on some people, so include me in that crowd. For those of you in week #3 or where week #3 is coming - just hang tough!
Wow - 14.5 lbs gone. That's amazing! I was talking to my mom the other day and she said that 7 lbs is a dress size. So, that means I should be down 2 sizes. Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!
I did the Billy Blanks Basic Boot Camp last night . . . or maybe a more appropriate thing to say is it did me! LOL! That's the first exercise video I've seen where the people being filmed are sweating their butts off. I only made it through about half of it (30 mins) and I had to march in place through some of it, but it was fun. I knew I was getting a work out. At one point you had to do push ups. I was thinking "oh boy, here we go," but I managed to do about 15 out of 20. Of course, they are the ones where you are on your knees, but a month ago I wouldn't have been able to do one.
I also picked up a speed jump rope for when I travel. (I have a business trip coming up the week of the 20th.) Since I can't take my treadmill on the plane and the rooms don't have DVD players, I wanted something that would help me get a bit of a workout in. I did the jump rope yesterday morning, fully expecting to fall on my face, but I actually managed to do it. Jake was impressed!
All right . . . I said I was going to be brief. I guess I lied!
Next mini-goal is 215. I'm only 2 lbs away.
March 20th goal is 200. With the 5 lb drop I had this week that means I need to lose about 3.2 lbs each week for the next 5 weeks. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but that sure seems do-able.
With friendship,
Care'
Friday, February 10, 2006
A Great Week and Some Serious Self Reflection...
02/10/2006
I checked my weight this morning, and am down to 218.5. That's 3.5 lbs this week and I still have one day to go before my official weigh-in! Holy Cow!
I've been a pretty good girl this week on the exercise. I decided to start getting up around 5:30 a.m. so I could get my workout done in the morning. I managed to do that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, but today I slept through my alarm. I picked up Billy Blank's Tae Bo workout yesterday, so I'll probably do that tonight to make up for not getting up this morning. Jake (DS) says he wants to do it with me, so that should be a sight to see! I'm still waiting on my bellydance DVDs to arrive. I wonder if Jake will do those with me??? I wonder if his dad will let him . . . . LOL!
On another note, I think I'm going to have to break down and buy some new jeans! I was hoping the ones I own would last me until I hit 200, but they are literally falling off of me. I look like an old man pulling up my pants all day. I did find a pair of jeans in the back of my closet that I haven't worn in a while. I pulled them out and tried them on assuming they would still not fit. I was so happy that they did. They feel really good too! But, I don't think one pair of jeans will get me through an entire week. My job is super casual, so I wear jeans everyday. I may have to pull out some of my former banker attire to get me through.
I did pick out my reward prize for when I hit 200. It's the SIRIUS S50 radio. You can check it out at www.sirius.com. Vince has been wanting satellite radio for a while and I've been whining for an ipod, but I don't want to have to download music all the time. This seems like a great solution. (I found out about the radio from Bob. If you haven't checked out Bob's blog, I encourage you to do so - www.thisbobsworld.blogspot.com. I really enjoy his writing.) I also plan to get Vince a SIRUS radio for his truck for his birthday. That means I need to lose 18.5 lbs by March 20th. That's just under 4 lbs a week, which may be a bit aggressive. So, V's b-day present may be a week or too late - LOL! I normally don't like to set goals like that . . . I prefer to do 5 lbs increments, but we'll try it and see how it goes.
Speaking of 5 lbs goals, I've obviously met my 2nd mini-goal of 220 and am now racing towards my 3rd mini-goal of 215. I think it's been about 4-5 years since I weighed 215, and it sure seems strange that getting to that weight is exciting. I mean, 215 is STILL a whole lot of Care' to love. But, I'm in this for the long term . . . it's in the journey . . .it's in the journey.
As an update on the mid-life crisis thing . . . I'm still going through it. I'm at that stage where you evaluate all your current relationships and activities and decide which ones to keep. I've ended a few already. Amazingly I feel a lot better already. There is one very important relationship in my life that I still need to figure out . . it's with my Dad.
As background, my biological father and mother split before I was two years old, and my mom remarried when I was around 2 or 3. So, my step-dad is who I consider my Dad. I do have a good relationship with my bio-dad now, but he's not my Dad. Do you know what I mean? Besides, there was a long period of time where my bio-dad wasn't in my life at all. I understand why and I'm completely okay with it now, but it did have an affect on me in my youth.
My relationship with my Dad has not been good since he and my mother split. To be fair, it wasn't really that great when they were together either. I think it was like I was my Mom's kid and my sister was my Dad's kid. Well, flash forward a few years and I've figured out that I have a huge fear of abandonment. I'm sure that stems from my bio-dad not being around and then my Dad being distant. I know now that that is why I eat like I do. I guess I figured that if someone did abandon me, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat rather than the fact that I was a pain in the butt.
As you can imagine, this has created some serious issues in my marriage. I think I've spent most of my marriage trying to test my husband to see if he would leave. He hasn't yet, and now I'm convinced it won't be easy to get rid of him - LOL!
Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what to do about the Dad situation. Since my grandmother died, I have been pretty much excluded from him and his family and feel like I've been treated like an outsider. Now, whether or not that is intentional, I do not know. What I do know is that every time I am excluded, every time I am introduced as "Jack's step-daughter," every timee my sister is held up as the great and wonderful child, it breaks my heart. I don't see myself as the step-daughter at all. In fact, my sister didn't arrive on the scene until I was 9, so I kind of feel like I'm the first child, not the first step-child.
As a parent, I'm not really sure how you could love one child more than another. . . I never could. But, I think I'm starting to understand how some parents may favor their own biological child over an adopted or step child. It sure isn't fair for the kid, but I think I can at least come to terms that it is possible.
So, now that I've rambled on . . . here's the dilemma. At this point, I've pretty much stopped communicating with my Dad. Now, I haven't told him that I've ended the relationship and there's been no big blow up or fight or anything like that. I'm simply stepping back from the relationship for a while to get my head on straight. This has been going on for a few months now. I've realized that I still feel like a 9-year-old kid when it comes to my Dad. I want Daddy's love, affection and approval and when I don't get it, I respond like a child.
I'm hoping that by taking the break, I can grow up emotionally so that I can deal with my Dad as an adult rather than as a child. As I've been doing all of this self-reflection, I've realized that he and I are very much alike. We're both driven, we both work hard, we are both career-minded, neither of us show love and affection very well, and we both tend to "go silentt" and retreat in conflict. So, you have two people that love each other that (a) don't know how to express it, (b) are probably afraid of expressing it, and (c) choose to retreat rather than addressing the issue.
I don't expect my Dad to change, and I don't want him to. He and my sister have a wonderful relationship so, obviously, she gets what she needs from him. I do expect me to change, and that's where I'm struggling. I guess now that I am no longer an emotional eater, I'm having to face some stuff in my life that I've avoided for a very long time. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like my eyes are constantly burning from all the tears I've shed lately, but it has been very healing.
I do know that I want a relationship with my Dad, but I want to be in the relationship as an adult and not a child. I think I may be at the point where I'm a teenager in the relationship, so at least I'm making some progress. Some days I want to call and talk to him so much it breaks my heart, but I know that if he doesn't say the right thing or if I interpret something wrong, I'll run away, (see - teenager behavior!)
Now that I've rambled on and on and on . . .
This "stuff" has been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't ready to share it yet. Now that I've written it down it feels good. Kind of like "Hello, my name is Care' and I'm an emotional eater."
I know there are other emotional eaters out there. If you are reading this, know that you are not alone. I am proof that you can overcome it. Yes, I still struggle, especially in very stressful times, but I'm taking it one crisis at a time.
With friendship,
Care'
I checked my weight this morning, and am down to 218.5. That's 3.5 lbs this week and I still have one day to go before my official weigh-in! Holy Cow!
I've been a pretty good girl this week on the exercise. I decided to start getting up around 5:30 a.m. so I could get my workout done in the morning. I managed to do that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, but today I slept through my alarm. I picked up Billy Blank's Tae Bo workout yesterday, so I'll probably do that tonight to make up for not getting up this morning. Jake (DS) says he wants to do it with me, so that should be a sight to see! I'm still waiting on my bellydance DVDs to arrive. I wonder if Jake will do those with me??? I wonder if his dad will let him . . . . LOL!
On another note, I think I'm going to have to break down and buy some new jeans! I was hoping the ones I own would last me until I hit 200, but they are literally falling off of me. I look like an old man pulling up my pants all day. I did find a pair of jeans in the back of my closet that I haven't worn in a while. I pulled them out and tried them on assuming they would still not fit. I was so happy that they did. They feel really good too! But, I don't think one pair of jeans will get me through an entire week. My job is super casual, so I wear jeans everyday. I may have to pull out some of my former banker attire to get me through.
I did pick out my reward prize for when I hit 200. It's the SIRIUS S50 radio. You can check it out at www.sirius.com. Vince has been wanting satellite radio for a while and I've been whining for an ipod, but I don't want to have to download music all the time. This seems like a great solution. (I found out about the radio from Bob. If you haven't checked out Bob's blog, I encourage you to do so - www.thisbobsworld.blogspot.com. I really enjoy his writing.) I also plan to get Vince a SIRUS radio for his truck for his birthday. That means I need to lose 18.5 lbs by March 20th. That's just under 4 lbs a week, which may be a bit aggressive. So, V's b-day present may be a week or too late - LOL! I normally don't like to set goals like that . . . I prefer to do 5 lbs increments, but we'll try it and see how it goes.
Speaking of 5 lbs goals, I've obviously met my 2nd mini-goal of 220 and am now racing towards my 3rd mini-goal of 215. I think it's been about 4-5 years since I weighed 215, and it sure seems strange that getting to that weight is exciting. I mean, 215 is STILL a whole lot of Care' to love. But, I'm in this for the long term . . . it's in the journey . . .it's in the journey.
As an update on the mid-life crisis thing . . . I'm still going through it. I'm at that stage where you evaluate all your current relationships and activities and decide which ones to keep. I've ended a few already. Amazingly I feel a lot better already. There is one very important relationship in my life that I still need to figure out . . it's with my Dad.
As background, my biological father and mother split before I was two years old, and my mom remarried when I was around 2 or 3. So, my step-dad is who I consider my Dad. I do have a good relationship with my bio-dad now, but he's not my Dad. Do you know what I mean? Besides, there was a long period of time where my bio-dad wasn't in my life at all. I understand why and I'm completely okay with it now, but it did have an affect on me in my youth.
My relationship with my Dad has not been good since he and my mother split. To be fair, it wasn't really that great when they were together either. I think it was like I was my Mom's kid and my sister was my Dad's kid. Well, flash forward a few years and I've figured out that I have a huge fear of abandonment. I'm sure that stems from my bio-dad not being around and then my Dad being distant. I know now that that is why I eat like I do. I guess I figured that if someone did abandon me, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat rather than the fact that I was a pain in the butt.
As you can imagine, this has created some serious issues in my marriage. I think I've spent most of my marriage trying to test my husband to see if he would leave. He hasn't yet, and now I'm convinced it won't be easy to get rid of him - LOL!
Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what to do about the Dad situation. Since my grandmother died, I have been pretty much excluded from him and his family and feel like I've been treated like an outsider. Now, whether or not that is intentional, I do not know. What I do know is that every time I am excluded, every time I am introduced as "Jack's step-daughter," every timee my sister is held up as the great and wonderful child, it breaks my heart. I don't see myself as the step-daughter at all. In fact, my sister didn't arrive on the scene until I was 9, so I kind of feel like I'm the first child, not the first step-child.
As a parent, I'm not really sure how you could love one child more than another. . . I never could. But, I think I'm starting to understand how some parents may favor their own biological child over an adopted or step child. It sure isn't fair for the kid, but I think I can at least come to terms that it is possible.
So, now that I've rambled on . . . here's the dilemma. At this point, I've pretty much stopped communicating with my Dad. Now, I haven't told him that I've ended the relationship and there's been no big blow up or fight or anything like that. I'm simply stepping back from the relationship for a while to get my head on straight. This has been going on for a few months now. I've realized that I still feel like a 9-year-old kid when it comes to my Dad. I want Daddy's love, affection and approval and when I don't get it, I respond like a child.
I'm hoping that by taking the break, I can grow up emotionally so that I can deal with my Dad as an adult rather than as a child. As I've been doing all of this self-reflection, I've realized that he and I are very much alike. We're both driven, we both work hard, we are both career-minded, neither of us show love and affection very well, and we both tend to "go silentt" and retreat in conflict. So, you have two people that love each other that (a) don't know how to express it, (b) are probably afraid of expressing it, and (c) choose to retreat rather than addressing the issue.
I don't expect my Dad to change, and I don't want him to. He and my sister have a wonderful relationship so, obviously, she gets what she needs from him. I do expect me to change, and that's where I'm struggling. I guess now that I am no longer an emotional eater, I'm having to face some stuff in my life that I've avoided for a very long time. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel like my eyes are constantly burning from all the tears I've shed lately, but it has been very healing.
I do know that I want a relationship with my Dad, but I want to be in the relationship as an adult and not a child. I think I may be at the point where I'm a teenager in the relationship, so at least I'm making some progress. Some days I want to call and talk to him so much it breaks my heart, but I know that if he doesn't say the right thing or if I interpret something wrong, I'll run away, (see - teenager behavior!)
Now that I've rambled on and on and on . . .
This "stuff" has been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't ready to share it yet. Now that I've written it down it feels good. Kind of like "Hello, my name is Care' and I'm an emotional eater."
I know there are other emotional eaters out there. If you are reading this, know that you are not alone. I am proof that you can overcome it. Yes, I still struggle, especially in very stressful times, but I'm taking it one crisis at a time.
With friendship,
Care'
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Victories!
02/07/2006
I have some wonderful victories to share:
1. I've lost 10 lbs! That means I've earned my first NS bear.
2. I've lost 3 inches! WOW!
3. I can pull off my jeans without undoing them - LOL!
4. My energy level is through the roof!
5. My DH has noticed a difference in my shape and energy level.
WOOOOO HOOOOO!
With friendship,
Care'
I have some wonderful victories to share:
1. I've lost 10 lbs! That means I've earned my first NS bear.
2. I've lost 3 inches! WOW!
3. I can pull off my jeans without undoing them - LOL!
4. My energy level is through the roof!
5. My DH has noticed a difference in my shape and energy level.
WOOOOO HOOOOO!
With friendship,
Care'
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Week #3 Results
02/04/2006
Week #3 is over and I lost 1 lb. I was really hoping to lose 1.5 so I could hit the 10 lb mark, but I had that problem with the Yo-Yo scale this week - LOL! But, hey, I'll take a 1 lb loss. That means I've shed 9.5 lbs total!
I do have a little victory to share. Yesterday my office bought pizza for everyone. My office is right next to the conference room where the pizza party was held and it was TOUGH! I contemplated taking my celery and carrots into the room so I could eat with everyone, but decided that would be pushing the temptation just a little too far. So, I sat at my desk, listened to music and tried to focus on work. It wasn't easy, but I did it!
I was so proud of myself that I managed to survive that experience. I knew pizza would be tough for me as it's one of my favorites. If I can pass on that, then I can do anything!
With friendship,
Caré
Week #3 is over and I lost 1 lb. I was really hoping to lose 1.5 so I could hit the 10 lb mark, but I had that problem with the Yo-Yo scale this week - LOL! But, hey, I'll take a 1 lb loss. That means I've shed 9.5 lbs total!
I do have a little victory to share. Yesterday my office bought pizza for everyone. My office is right next to the conference room where the pizza party was held and it was TOUGH! I contemplated taking my celery and carrots into the room so I could eat with everyone, but decided that would be pushing the temptation just a little too far. So, I sat at my desk, listened to music and tried to focus on work. It wasn't easy, but I did it!
I was so proud of myself that I managed to survive that experience. I knew pizza would be tough for me as it's one of my favorites. If I can pass on that, then I can do anything!
With friendship,
Caré
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Yo-Yo Scale
2/1/2006
Did you know I have a special scale? I sure do! It does tricks and everything!
As you probably know already I weigh every day. Well, this week (week #3 on NS) my scale is taking on a new trick. One day I'm down 2 lbs, the next day I'm up 3. The following day I'm down 2 again, and then up .5 the day after that. GRRRRRR! :)
I know that body weight fluctuates and that it's perfectly normal. I also know my body is trying to adjust to the 8.5 lb weight loss.
I know that . . .
But I want the scale to go DOWN! LOL!
So, I weighed this morning and I'm down to 222. FINALLY, the scale started to behave again . . .
-1.5 lbs more to go to reach 10 lb loss
-2 lbs more to go to reach my next mini-goal of 220
With friendship,
Care'
Did you know I have a special scale? I sure do! It does tricks and everything!
As you probably know already I weigh every day. Well, this week (week #3 on NS) my scale is taking on a new trick. One day I'm down 2 lbs, the next day I'm up 3. The following day I'm down 2 again, and then up .5 the day after that. GRRRRRR! :)
I know that body weight fluctuates and that it's perfectly normal. I also know my body is trying to adjust to the 8.5 lb weight loss.
I know that . . .
But I want the scale to go DOWN! LOL!
So, I weighed this morning and I'm down to 222. FINALLY, the scale started to behave again . . .
-1.5 lbs more to go to reach 10 lb loss
-2 lbs more to go to reach my next mini-goal of 220
With friendship,
Care'
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