Week #48: Heads Back in the Game Again . . .

12/18/2006

You know, after about six weeks of not being serious, I finally have my head back in the game. I finally realized that I was feeling pretty down about the holidays, which had me turning to food for comfort. At one point I realized I wasn't eating blindly like in the past, but that I was eating the crap on purpose. WTH? It was like I was DECIDING that I was going to eat poorly, and actually went to the store to buy the stuff. Geesh!

Yesterday I was really evaluating the situation and trying to determine why I was doing this to myself. My husband asked if I was sad about the holidays. "Of course not," I said. "It's freaking Christmas! Everyone is happy!"

As those words tumbled out of my mouth I realized how angry they were, and the light bulb clicked on.

Yep, I was feeling down about the time of year. Why? Because I don't have a freaking family, that's why.

Since my MaMa died I pretty much don't have anything to do with my Dad or his side of the family. (This is my step-dad who raised me.) It's like when she went, I just "lifted out." They all get together and have a great time, but I'm not invited. It pisses me off. Also, my bio-Dad has disappeared (again).

Yes, I still have my Mom and my sister has recently come back into my life. I am also extremely fortunate that my in-laws love me as one of their own. But as a girl with daddy issues, this time of year leaves me feeling pretty down.

I know I need to confront the situation, but I'm just not ready yet. And, I also know that, if I do confront the situation, that I may learn about stuff that I'm not yet ready to hear.

But, back to the point of this post. After the light came on, I decided that I would just be pissed off and eat what I want until Jan 1. I mean, why beat myself up if the food was making me feel better?

But, you know what? The food wasn't making me feel better. My energy level has plumeted and my stomach has been "off" the last few weeks. I've been more apt to lie on the couch than go for a walk. I remember being like that all the time and thought it was normal. Now that I've had a taste of what life can be like, I don't want that any more.

I decided that I could either be angry, or I could have a good holiday in spite of the situation. After all, I do have a son and he deserves to have a happy Christmas like I did at his age. He still believes in Santa and I know those days are numbered. I have six neices and nephews that are all younger than my son, and seeing them tear through their presents is a thrill. Remember how that felt when you were that age?

I decided to have a GREAT holiday season - damn it! :)

Once I made that decision, suddenly the "diet and exercise" thing didn't seem so bad. I even attempted a new exercise video yesterday, but didn't make it too far since my stomach was upset. But, at least I got my butt off the couch and on the weight bench for a change.

So, here I am . . . all in the Christmas spirit now. It's driving my husband crazy. HE HE, this will be more fun that I thought.

HO! HO! HO!

With friendship,

Care'