07/16/2006
Join my pity party, won't you?
I'm a little tired of this sloooooooooooow process of losing weight that seems to have been around for a while now. It seems like it is taking FOREVER to lose this weight. It's driving me nuts!
On the other hand, I just spent some time looking at my progress on the right, and you know what? That's still pretty good. I also figured out that I'm averaging 1.48 pounds per week lost. That's not bad either (although I'd prefer it be 2 pounds per week).
I think I'm at that point where I am getting tired of trying so hard and not seeing the results on the scale. The fact that I've made it 26 weeks is more than twice as long than I have stuck with a diet in the past, so I'm pretty pround of that. But, I have to admit that I am very frustrated.
There, I said it.
Right now I'm a little resentful of the fact that I've struggled with weight all my life and that I have to deny myself some of those tasty foods that others can eat without restriction. I'm tried of the fact that I have to get my butt on the treadmill every day to see the scale spit out a 1/2 loss while others seem to lose weight just by lying on the couch. I'm jealous of others that have been on NS about the same amount of time as me and have lost in the 50 pound range already.
I know I'm being silly. I know that my progress so far is awesome and the fact that I'm averaging about 1.5 per week is nothing to be ashamed of.
I know all of this.
But, I'm pissed off right now.
I have to be careful because this pissed off point is usually when I throw in the towel and start eating like crap again and gain all the weight back plus 15 more. I know I don't want to to that. I know that I can't do that.
I want to be excited about this lifestyle change again, and I'm having a hard time getting there. I don't even like reading the support boards right now because I don't like how I feel about myself after reading them.
I'm feeling fat and gross again, whereas I was feeling energetic and sexy just a few weeks before.
Damn. I need to snap out of it.
Maybe it's time to mix things up again. Maybe I should order the NS food again since I've been trying to do it on my own for about 3 months now. Or maybe I should try the JC food since the overall plan is pretty similar.
Maybe I'm just at another pivotal point in my mid-life crisis? Perhaps there is something that I'm about to learn about myself that will open up the gates for success?
How long is a mid-life crisis supposed to last?
I know I don't have everything resolved. I still haven't spoken with my dad, so that means we're up to a over a year now with zero communication. I just don't feel ready yet. I feel like I still need to figure out some stuff. I also know that my emotional eating can be directly attributed to my relationship (or lack thereof) with the father figures in my life, so I'm sure that must be it.
But damn it, I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the gut-wrenching, emotional roller coaster that I go through each time I have to face something about myself. The last time almost resulted in a divorce for me and my hubby and I just don't want to have the "big D" conversation again. We're better now - in fact I think we're stronger. But, geesh, I just don't know if I can handle another discussion like that and I'm afraid that would be coming.
I guess I can't live in fear either.
I guess if you're reading this, say a prayer for my hubby so that he has the strength to get through the next one of these "self-awakenings" that I go through. I know I'll be fine when I come out on the other side, but I worry that my hubby is wearing out.
With friendship,
Care'
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3 comments:
I'm sorry you're struggling. Trust me, I feel your pain. I had a temper tantrum the other day about my loss. But at the end of the day, you're better off for restricting the treats and walking on the treadmill. Those who can lose by sitting on the couch don't have the energy or stamina we have because of our exercise. Try not to compare yourself to others (I know, easier said than done). Be yourself and you and hubby will be just fine on the other side. Do something good for you. I know that always helps me. A little pampering goes a long way!
Oh lady, do I identify with what you're going through. I think it's par for the course. When I look at the big picture I think...I got myself here, and I'm going to have to walk myself out. Besides Jesus, what really helps me is that I enjoy working out and getting all sweaty. I know I'm doing something for myself and I directly benefit because all the hard work will enable me to do more things I enjoy (sports, etc.), I look better and feel better. Yeah, I'm tempted to say...damn those people that don't have to worry about this stuff and good health comes easy to them...but they've usually got problems of life that I don't want, so I can see I'm blessed in spite of a few extra pounds.
Perhaps it's time to look at your reward system and boost it up so you feel more satisfaction from your accomplishments (vs. looking at what you're not doing).
This does suck...but it gets better.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I took a sneak peek at the scale this morning and I appear to still be at that same number. I'm trying to stay positive, and it helps to know I have some great people in my corner.
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