08/06/2006
Quick Update: The scale moved in the right direction! Down a pound! HORRAY!
Now for the real topic today . . . .
Warning: Changing to self-reflection mode now . . .
Last Friday I was catching up on everyone's blogs and I noticed a consistent theme. It seems like we're all re-dedicating ourselves to our program and making some serious commitments. I need to do that too, but something is holding me back. After careful reflection, I think I know what it is.
For the first time that I can remember, I am no longer hearing those nagging voices of what I "should" and "should not" do in regards to how I dress, where I work, what I do, etc. etc. (Yeah, there's still the voice that tells me what I should and shouldn't eat, but at least it's MY voice now.)
And, I must say that it's been blissfully comfortable.
You see, that's the problem. I'm comfortable.
I've lost a lot of weight, (39 on NS and 45.5 total), and I feel pretty good about where I am now. Yeah, I'm not at goal, but I no longer lose my breath when I climb a flight of stairs. I eat so much better than what I use to - I can't tell you when it was that I last had a french fry.
You see, about 8 weeks ago I noticed a change. I was no longer setting mini-goals for myself. I was no longer fanitical about getting up every morning to exercise.
I'm comfy, you see.
I've found that by continuing to eat a balanced diet with very few cheats, I can easily maintain my comfortable weight.
Oh, so comfy.
So, if I'm so comfortable, why don't I stop?
I don't want to stop because I'm still overweight and I want to lose more. I want to feel really healthy. I mean, if losing 45 pounds makes me feel comfortable, how will losing the rest make me feel? Freaking awesome, I'm sure.
I want to feel awesome.
What's holding me back? What's keeping me from making the commitment? What's forcing me to hide behind the excuse of house problems, job antics, kid activities, etc?
I think it's BECAUSE I am comfortable.
You see, this entire journey has been about more than just a number on a scale. This has been about finding out who Care' is. What does she want? What are her views and opinions? What are her values? What are her dreams?
It's almost like the slate has been wiped clean, and it's a great feeling. But now I realize that it's time to write stuff on the slate again - my values, my opinions, my dreams. But I'm a little scared. It's taken 36 years to get that damn slate clean, and I want to make sure whatever I put there is right.
Plus, what if I find out that my dreams don't mesh with the important people in my life? What happens if something I determine I value causes a rift in an important relationship?
Hmmmm, it doesn't sound like I'm all that comfortable, does it?
That's probably the REAL reason why I haven't given up yet.
It's taken a couple of months, but I now recognize that it's time for me to make the commitment to myself, regardless of the risks and consequences. I know I'd rather go through the rest of my life knowing who I am and what I stand for, than spend it in the neutral zone.
It's time for me to embrace myself so that I can embrace life.
It's time for me to get uncomfortable.
With friendship,
Care'
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4 comments:
hi Care,
It seems like you definatley know what you want to do and you seem to know that you have to do it. It might be scary, but I think you are ready. There never a better time than the present to put yourself through a challenege.
Get out there and find out who you are, what you want and what you need. And through it all, we'll be here for you.
Care, Yay for losing for a pound, that's definitely a step in the right direction. Also, yay for recommiting, as we all seem to have done. You did say; however, "what if I find out that my dreams don't mesh with the important people in my life? What happens if something I determine I value causes a rift in an important relationship?" This is something we've all dealt with. People get uncomfortable when we change, because it changes their perception of who we are...then they have to adjust...and they start thinking about the changes they too need to make. Vut you know what, you only have one life to live, so do what you want. Don't let your "need for approval" get in the way. Approval is neither desired nor required. Only self-acceptance is. Good luck.
PS- You've been tagged. Please see my blog for details!
Bigtime realization. It can be such an enemy to our goals. I go through this every now and again...it comes and goes. It's tough when you've been at it for a while also - you want places of rest. I think it's great that you've recognized what's going on and can move out of your comfort zone.
Ah, comfort. That has been my enemy too. Here I am 135 pounds less than I started and instead of focusing on the relatively few pounds I have left, I sit back and enjoy my success. It is easy to settle in a comfortable place. Good job by you in recognizing this and making the recommitment to fight through it and move ahead.
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