Week #21: Serious Lack of Motivation Here

06/10/2006

I knew it was bound to happen.

I knew the day would come when I would begin to struggle with this weight loss thing.

But, I didn't expect it to show up so soon. I mean, I figured it would start getting hard to lose the weight when I got to around 160 - you know - closer to goal. But, here I am, still 60 pounds away from my target, and the weight is just not coming off. I know, I know - I had a 2 pound loss last week so the half a pound up this week is probably just my body adjusting.

I know that.

But, I miss those days in the first few months where I consistently lost between 2 - 2.5 pounds every week without fail. I honestly believed I would have at least 2-3 more months of that before I hit the yo-yo days.

I talked to Vince about it last night - you know, trying to really evaluate what I was doing and determine if there was room for improvement. There is, of course. I have been terrible on the exercise front. I don't know why . . . yes, I hate the "I need to exercise" tune going on in my head and I can't wait for it to be over when I'm doing it, but if feels great and I'm proud of myself when it's over. For a while there I was really consistent, but once I fell off the wagon I fell hard. I've made some half-hearted attempts over the past few months and have had periods where I did well, but lately - BLAH!!!!!

So, you know me, I started trying to psycho-analyze myself. Why won't I exericse when I know that is a huge key to my success?

Do I really hate exercise? Well, no, I don't hate it, but it's not my favorite thing. But it beats work.

Does it hurt when I exercise? No. It may hurt the treadmill some, but I have good shoes now and a bra that keeps the girls in place when I try to run. Also, the knees don't hurt since I've dropped enough weight.

Do I have the tools available to me to exercise? Yes. No excuse there! Although, I'd like some of those pink Nike running shoes . . .

Do I feel bad after exercising? No. Quite the opposite! I feel GREAT! POWERFUL! ENERGETIC!

Okay, so the act of exercising is NOT the problem . . .

Perhaps I am just scared of losing the weight. There, I said it.

I've been overweight for such a long time, it's part of my personality. I know that statement may sound strange, but it's true. I'm the funny girl that's everyone's friend. I've NEVER been the "hot girl" or the "pretty girl". (I may have been the "cute girl" at one point, but that was long ago.) So, I guess part of me is a little nervous about how that will feel. I mean, I am my own worst critic (who isn't) and I hope that, when I lose the weight, I'll be less self-deprecating. But, what if I'm not?

Think of my weight as my emotional armor. I've always used it as a crutch for blame when things didn't go my way.

Boyfriend broke up with me - it wasn't me; he's a jerk because I'm a little heavy.

Didn't get the promotion/job - it wasn't my qualifications; it's because I'm overweight.

Didn't get the great raise that a coworker got - it wasn't my performance; it's because the coworker isn't fat.

See what I mean?

I guess that, if I lose the weight, I'll be forced to face up to the fact that not everything is about my weight. (I probably need to face up to the fact that not everything in life is about ME, but that's a challenge for another day.) Perhaps I'm just not ready for that?

So, point #1 - need to exercise more.

Let' me refine that a bit.

Point #1 - Make the commitment to exercise daily and DO IT.

Now, the other element is the diet. I've been pretty good on that front, but I've been doing the plan with my own food. I was going to switch to my own food once I got to the 3/4 mark, but I had to do it sooner because it was getting pretty expensive. I kind of feel like a kid that thad their blankee taken away a little prematurely. Basically, when I had the NS foods available, I didn't have to think - pick from bucket A, B, C or D. Also, I could look at the food and see that what was there had to last a month. With it being as expensive as it is, it truly helped me stop any cheating.

Now I find myself thinking about food more, which is usually not a good thing for me. I'm also more likely to cheat a bit because I know I can just run to the store and get some more. And, (this one's a biggie) now that I'm obsessing about food again, it feels like more of a diet that a lifestyle change, and I'm spending less time thinking about all that crap I need to think about to get through this emotional stuff I'm trying to figure out.

So, point #2 - get back on the NS foods as soon as the summer is over. (Our expenses should go down then.)

The final element that Vince and I discussed was my job. I'm a walking stress ball. (Which is a really good reason to exercise, right?) But, in the past I've dealt with stress by eating. So, I'm more tempted to eat the bad stuff than I would be if I was in a less stressful situation.

Point #3 - find a less stressful job. I've been working on this point for a while. If you've been a reader for a while, you know I'm working on something with my former employer. But, it has been 8 months since the first discussion with them, and I'm losing patience. I can't keep my life on hold forever. So, if I don't hear back from them by July 14, (one week after my vacation), I'm officially starting the job search.

So, there it is. Now that I know WHAT I need to do, I need to do it.

With friendship,

Care'