Week #44: Yep, This Really is a Journey

11/19/2006

So, did ya miss me last week?

I didn't post because, well, quite frankly, I was embarassed. I had managed to get back up to 189 in just a week. In seems that reaching the half way point made me feel justified in celebrating. I did do some positive celebrating - new clothes, new bike, etc. But I also did some bad celebrating - i.e. food. As far as I've come and as much as I've learned, I still don't have the food demon completely conquered.

I wonder if this is how a drug addict or alcholic feels? It's like you know it's bad for you, and you know that the immediate satisfaction you get won't last, but you do it anyway. Then, you're mad at yourself for doing it.

So, I pretty much had the "get real" discussion with myself last weekend. Or, to put it more aptly, a "get real" argument.

I think I always had it in the back of my head that, once I reached the half way point, I could stop. You see, I didn't think I'd make it this far and knew I'd never go further. So, a long time ago - years ago - I gave myself permission to get to 186 and just stop. That would be good enough. That was what I weighed when DH and I met. That was what I weighed almost 11 years ago.

The conflict came in because I didn't WANT to stop. Emotionaly I wanted to stop, but something else was wanting to go forward.

Let me tell you, being around me that last week was NOT a fun experience. DH definately earned some points last week for just staying out of my way and listening without offerring suggestions. (After all this time he's figured out when I want advice and when I don't - LOL!)

So, I guess this is a really long, rambling way of saying that I'm back on track. I do want to go forward. In fact, I want to compete. Scracth that. I don't just want to compete. I want to be competitive.

I want to push my body to become the best that it can be.

I want to be strong.

I want my kid to see me in action and be proud.

Yep, I still have some food issues, and I'll probably have them my entire life. But now I feel like there are other reasons to lose the weight.

With friendship,

Care'

Week #42: Sometimes You Just Gotta Graze . . .

11/06/2006

Well, the scale has me up half a pound today. I'm not surprised, really. Or, maybe I am - I'm surprised it's ONLY have a pound.

You see, I had a craving this week, that really started nagging at me last Friday. I resisted as much as I could, but found myself "eating around" the craving. Basically, instead of eating the thing I really wanted and just being done with it, I ate all this other stuff to try and satisfy me. So, instead of getting hit with one 300 calorie pop, I'll bet I ate an additional 1,500 calories this week just trying to satisfy it with healthy stuff.

It didn't work.

Last night I finally realized what I was doing and ate the darn thing I wanted in the first place.

So, what did I learn?

If you really are craving something, just eat it and move on. Now I have an additional 1,500 calories to deal with instead of 300. An expensive lesson to learn, but one that is valuable for future reference . . .

Other than that, everything has been great - especially on the exercise front. I have two more 5Ks scheculed and am training for a 10K. Also, I joined my city's natatorium yesterday, so I plan to get in some additional fitness activities. I'm looking forward to swimming again. I haven't wanted to be in a swimsuit in public for years. In fact, I still really would prefer to have another 25 pounds off of me before I subject the world to my figure. But, if I had that attitude when I started running, then I would not be where I am today. So, screw 'em. If they don't like the size of my behind, they can look elsewhere, right? :)

With friendship,

Care'