The 200 Pound Troll

04/09/2006

Yesterday I mentioned that the 200 number may be giving me a scare. After some reflection, I think that really may be true.

You see, when I was younger, I remember thinking that I'd NEVER allow myself to reach 200 lbs. That, if for some reason I hit the 199 mark, I'd immediately get myself on track and drop the weight. I envisoned this scary little troll standing at the 200 lb bridge guarding it.

At some point in my life, 200 came and went. I believe that point occured when I was pregnant. Prior to getting pregnant I had lost weight and went from 186 down to around 160. When I found out I was pregnant, I gave in to all those temptations and put on 60 lbs. Pregnant women are supposed to be fat, right? I do remember that, while I was pregnant I truly felt good about my body for the first time in my life. It's like I gave myself permission to be fat.

So you see, during my pregnancy I came up to the 200 lb bridge and decided that the troll wasn't that scary after all. In fact, I belive I enjoyed a nice dinner of pizza and cake with him. He let me pass, of course.

After delivering Jacob I managed to get down below the 200 lb point again, but, since I had fond memories of a great meal with the little troll, I found myself visiting that place often. 202, 198, 204, 196, 208, 195, 210, 190 . . . .

I managed to travel pretty far past that bridge, reaching the 238 point. At 238 I didn't like how I felt. I didn't care so much about how I looked, but I hated the fact that I was tired all the time and couldn't go up a flight of stairs without my heart racing.

I think I blindly traveled from 200 to 238 by constantly reflecting on how my life SHOULD have turned out. I should have married the guy I dated in high school . . . I should have taken that job at the law firm . . . I should have finished my Master's degree . . . you know how it goes. All those "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that make you feel like a failure in your current situation.

I think the first trigger that made me stop from going past 238 was our house fire back on December 18. We were extremely fortunate that we were able to put the fire out ourselves and had only minimal losses, but it still disrupted my life enough to make me think about what I had and where I was. Yes, we don't have a fancy house and we don't drive fancy cars. But, we live in a great neighborhood with wonderful neighbors and a terrific school district. Yes, I have to work for a living as opposed to being a stay-at-home mome, but we don't go hungry and aren't constantly worried about money.

As I kept reflecting on all of this "stuff" that we adults reflect on from time to time, I realized that, if I didn't get control of my weight, then I would be in big trouble health-wise. As I started to lose the 6.5 lbs I would ultimately lose before joining NS, I still found myself thinking about how different my life could be if I had made different decisions. I actually got quite obsessed in trying to track down old friends and boyfriends to see if their lives were better than mine.

Pathectic, isn't it?

It was on a drive home from work one day that I realized what I was doing, and thus began what I'm referring to as my mid-life crisis. Yes, it's early to have a mid-life crisis, but I'm an overachiever.

So, some time in mid-January I realized that I had allowed other people - whether in my life now or in my life previously - to dictate my journey. I decided that I wanted to be in charge. In was around January 14th that I started NS as a way to take control of my health.

With some newfound spunk and a growing spine, I started my journey to return home to good old 135. I was excited. I was motivated. Nothing was going to stop me.

About three weeks ago something started to feel "off". I found myself not following the plan 100%. I found myself not exercising. I found myself eating a little more than I should. I never ditched the plan completely - just did enough to say I was 90% on plan - that's still an A, right?

Now that I've hit the 204 mark, I realize that I'm nervous about the 200 lb troll. Yes, my previous visits have been pleasant, but I don't think that will be the case this time. When I meet him he will offer me pizza and cake, and I'll refuse and have celery and carrots instead. When I ask him if I can pass, he won't let me because he will see in my heart that I will never come back to visit him again. I know there will be a challenge. Will I be able to meet the challenge head on and pass? Will I be strong enough to fight if I have to?

So, here I am today. I've made it to 203.5 and am within walking distance of the 200 lb bridge. I'd like to get to 201.5 because that's an even 30 lbs, but that's so close to the bridge that I know the troll might see me. Part of me wants to run to the bridge and face the challenge head on. Part of me wants to go back to 210 where I was more comfortable.

I know I will face the troll. I must. I just need to figure out how to meet the challenge head on and succeed.

With friendship,

Care'