Week #4: Back on Track

I'm happy to report a 3.5 pound loss this week. Yeah, that puts me back to where I was at the end of week 1, but if you take the gain, you get to take the loss again, right? I'm also thrilled about losing 3 inches!

I finally figured out what my trigger was. You see, I knew I was eating crap and not exercising. The thing was I couldn't figure out why. I was no longer "waking up" to find myself with a cookie in my mouth. Instead, I was having the discussion with the cookie and eating it anyway (see prior post).

So, I knew something was making me do the wrong thing, even though I knew the right thing to do.

I was hanging out with the Shrinkers and one of them said something about not feeling like she deserves to be thin. Those words struck a serious chord for me.

I realized that I am carrying a lot of guilt for Michael's condition and for not being all gung-ho and thrilled during my pregnancy. While I don't blame myself for Michael's condition at a logical level, I guess I feel like I'm getting punished for not wanting the pregnancy in the first place, and for not embracing the new life as the pregnancy progressed.

I realize now that my not bonding during pregnancy was probably God's way of protecting me from the devestation that would surely have occurred when I found out Victoria was actually Michael. Yeah, I was a bit disappointed, but I wasn't devestated - KWIM?

I was never able to picture myself with a little girl the entire time I was pregnant. This was SO different from the experience I had with Jacob. Ultimately I had convinced myself that I was not going to survive delivery, and had made preparations as such. I think the outcome that I got was MUCH better.

But, back to my original point . . .

I think that I was punishing myself for not being the "perfect mom" during pregnancy and for those feelings of "I really don't want to do this." Bottom line is this . . . Michael is awesome and he is an absolute blessing to our family. Yeah, he gets cranky and he's a little PITA when it comes time to go to bed, but the transformation he has made in my life, my husband's life and Jacob's life is truly remarkable.

So, I have to forgive myself for the past and move on, (something I have a hard time doing anyway). I struggled with that this week, but ultimately made some progress. I only ate half the cookie . . .