Week ?

I'm not even sure what week it is, and I guess it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that I'm still moving forward, despite everything that is going on around me. When I weighed in this morning I was pleased to see 204.5. While I'm very anxious to get back under 200 again, it was a thrill to see a number lower than 205 on the scale.

I'm especially proud of this because I've been stress eating this week. With Mikey's surgery (see Michael's Site for more info), it's been hard to keep control. Fortunately surgery #1 is now behind us and we can focus on getting well.

I'll keep it brief today as I am exhausted from the last few day's events. That, and there's a baby that wants his mama . . . I have to go find her - LOL!

Week 5 & 6

I didn't post anything last weekend about week 5 because I just didn't feel well. Fortunately, I've managed to dodge the flu bug that is going around, so that wasn't the source of my illness. Rather, I had some serious dental work done that kept me feeling pretty crappy for a good week. That, combined with the fact that I only wanted to eat soft foods, led to a gain for the week. No biggie, though, because I took it right back off this week.

Overall I'm only one pound down since beginning this journey, which makes me question my commitment. Obviously, something is keeping me from focusing on my goals. So, I had to do something.

I decided I needed to get back on pre-packaged meals. I hate to do it. It is so darn expensive and I really don't want to spend the money. But, I know that I am eating emotionally and not dealing with the issues that I need to face. Ultimately I decided to enroll in Jenny Craig.

I picked JC because I have heard it is very similar to the NS plan - which it is. However, the food is so much better. I would describe the difference as eating a TV dinner versus a real, cooked meal. Besides, after a year on the NS plan there was no way I could put any of that food in my mouth again. Yeah, it's decent, but it's kind of like Raman noodles for me. I ate those so much in college that the mere smell makes my stomach turn.

Today markes day 4 for me. I was 100% perfect on days 1 and 2. Yesterday I had a dinner with the family at a Mexican food restaurant. I was good for every meal the rest of the day and made the best choice possible for dinner, but I knew that meal would set me back. After eating Mexican food I tend to put on 2-3 pounds right away from the excess salt. But, I know I can get that right back off if I keep it 100% today.

Week #4: Back on Track

I'm happy to report a 3.5 pound loss this week. Yeah, that puts me back to where I was at the end of week 1, but if you take the gain, you get to take the loss again, right? I'm also thrilled about losing 3 inches!

I finally figured out what my trigger was. You see, I knew I was eating crap and not exercising. The thing was I couldn't figure out why. I was no longer "waking up" to find myself with a cookie in my mouth. Instead, I was having the discussion with the cookie and eating it anyway (see prior post).

So, I knew something was making me do the wrong thing, even though I knew the right thing to do.

I was hanging out with the Shrinkers and one of them said something about not feeling like she deserves to be thin. Those words struck a serious chord for me.

I realized that I am carrying a lot of guilt for Michael's condition and for not being all gung-ho and thrilled during my pregnancy. While I don't blame myself for Michael's condition at a logical level, I guess I feel like I'm getting punished for not wanting the pregnancy in the first place, and for not embracing the new life as the pregnancy progressed.

I realize now that my not bonding during pregnancy was probably God's way of protecting me from the devestation that would surely have occurred when I found out Victoria was actually Michael. Yeah, I was a bit disappointed, but I wasn't devestated - KWIM?

I was never able to picture myself with a little girl the entire time I was pregnant. This was SO different from the experience I had with Jacob. Ultimately I had convinced myself that I was not going to survive delivery, and had made preparations as such. I think the outcome that I got was MUCH better.

But, back to my original point . . .

I think that I was punishing myself for not being the "perfect mom" during pregnancy and for those feelings of "I really don't want to do this." Bottom line is this . . . Michael is awesome and he is an absolute blessing to our family. Yeah, he gets cranky and he's a little PITA when it comes time to go to bed, but the transformation he has made in my life, my husband's life and Jacob's life is truly remarkable.

So, I have to forgive myself for the past and move on, (something I have a hard time doing anyway). I struggled with that this week, but ultimately made some progress. I only ate half the cookie . . .

Week #3: No Words

I'm at 210.

I am pissed at myself. Really, really pissed.

No excuses.

I am just not doing what I need to do to get where I want to go.

An interesting discussion . . .

Before I lost 50+ pounds a year ago I would find myself eating without realizing it - almost as if I "woke up" with that cookie in my mouth.

Now I stare at the cookie and have a discussion.

"I shouldn't eat you."

"Yes, you are right. You should NOT eat me."

"But you look so good."

"I'm not really good. I taste bad. Go away."

"You lie. I KNOW you taste good. And I want something sweet."

"You will hate yourself later. Go walk on the treadmill. Have a glass of water. Get your fat butt up to the gym. Do something, ANYTHING but eat me."

"I want you, though."

"Throw me in the trash."

"But that would be wasteful."

"Undoing all your work this week would be wasteful. Go away."

Even though the cookie is making a lot of sense, I eventually eat it anyway.

So, it's good that I'm making conscious and informed decisions about my food, but what is in me that still makes me eat the bad anyway? I feel bad for the person I was a few years ago that was uninformed. But, now that I am informed, I'm mad as hell at myself for STILL making the bad choices. It's kind of like knowing the oven is hot but still sticking your head in anyway.

Gotta run. The potato chips are are whispering . . .

Week #2: aka I Dunno

Well, I have nothing to report for week two.

Last week ended up being a whirl of craziness with tons of travel, long days and late nights, and several work-related functions.

(If you read between the lines, that means I didn't exercise and I didn't stick to my nutrition plan).

Knowing that weighing myself would only send me into a fit of rage which would ultimately lead to more eating, I decided to skip weigh-in last week. This week I've been more focused on the nutrition plan. Still not perfect, but MUCH better than last week. No exercise this week - yet. I plan to do SOMETHING today.

So, I'll weigh in for Week #3.

Week #1: Yeah, yeah, another Week #1

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know this is at least my 3rd "Week #1."

Well, get over it. I finally have! LOL!

This week showed a 0.5 pound loss. Kind of lame for week #1. But, considering that the scale was going up and up and up and up, I'm glad to have reversed the trend. Plus, training and nutrition were not 100% on point this week.

Good Things for the Week
-Worked out 3 times
-Started weight lifting (yeah, I'm gonna be BUFF!)
-Swam laps 1 time
-Stayed on nutrition plan 75% of time

Bad Things for the Week
-Avoided the bike
-Did not run
-Strayed from nutrition plan 25% of time (and when I strayed, I strayed BIG!)
-Had a margarita

So, when you take the good and add in the bad, I'm pretty darn happy with a loss.

I need to get back to working out 6 days a week, but I know that won't happen this week. I have a lot going on at work and have some work-related functions I have to attend afterhours, so I'll be doing good to make it 3 times. But, I WILL make it at least 3 times this week.

A New Beginning

And it begins again.

I had to let go.

Let go of the fact that I had put on 30 pounds when having a baby.

Let go of the fact that my fitness level isn't where it was before I got pregnant.

Let go of the fact that my timeline for my fitness goals had to be adjusted.

Let go of my anger that I had to regain some territory that had previously been conquered.

I started my weekly weight loss tracker over. My new starting weight is 207. The counting begins today.

I changed my blog template.

The past is in the past. Today is what matters.