What is Food?

1/19/2006

Okay, so last night on the way home I had a lot of "stuff" suddenly hit me. There's a lot of questions I've been asking myself lately:

-What is my purpose?
-Why am I here?
-How did I get to where I am?
-Where do I want to go?
-Why am I this heavy?
-Will I be successful this time in losing weight?
-Why do I allow others to have power over me?

You know, typical mid-life crisis stuff, right?

It finally hit me square in the face . . . I've made only a few decisions that were truly my own. By that I mean I can literrally count on one had the number of times I made a decision that wasn't influenced by outside sources.

Wow. That's really sad . . .

So, sometime last night between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m. Central Time I started to grow a spine, and today I feel so much more positive about my life and where I'm heading. Yes, I still don't know where I'm going, but I am glad to be the one behind the wheel.

Now, I know what you're thinking. No one TOLD me to eat all that bad stuff through the years. You're right. No one did. But I did allow others to influence my decision to swallow that crap.

I mentioned before that I am an emotional eater. As an example, I remember being told as a teenager that I needed to be thin or I would not attract a husband. I remember that had the absolute opposite affect on me than what I'm sure my family member was trying to illicit. Instead of thinking "yeah, I'd better drop these 10 lbs," I thought "yeah, I'll prove you wrong!"

(I'm married and I'm overweight, but I'm not sure if I won that argument???)

As I was having a heavy dose of self reflection last night, I realized that overeating for me in the above situation was a form of rebellion. I was a great kid - did what the parents wanted, didn't push the boundries. Bascially, I let my parents have control over me. Instead of sneaking out as a teenager I would sneak a cookie. Instead of yelling back at my parents I would stuff my face with chips.

When I think of how I've interacted with food throughout my life, I realize that I was using it to calm me down when stressed, to cheer me up when sad, to celebrate when happy and to drown out my depression. The truly tragic thing is that, after eating, I never felt better. In fact, I felt worse becuase (a) the original problem existed and (b) I just ate crap that I should not have.

Remember the other day when I mentioned that food seems to have changed color for me? It's almost like someone opened the curtain and showed me that the Great Oz was really just a guy trying to get by. That slice of pizza that use to appeal to me now looks like a limp piece of bread with a bunch of greese on top. The melting cheese seems pale and artificial.

So, even though this is only day 6 of my journey, I've learned a lot about myself and about food. So, what is food? Well, let me tell you what it's not.

-Food is not my reason for living
-Food is not the most important thing in my life
-Food is not an appointment on my calendar
-Food is not love
-Food is not approval
-Food is not respect
-Food is not a stress-reducer
-Food is not an anti-depresent

So, armed with a growing spine and the knowledge of what food isn't, I feel empowered to face this challenge head-on and emerge victorious.

With friendship,

Care'

Oh, and P.S., I'm down another .5 lb! - I've lost 4 lbs to date. WOO HOO!