Identity Crisis

02/19/2006

I had Vince take some more pics of me yesterday so that I can chart my progress. Unfortunately, every time I have him take pics, I look at them and become immediately depressed. For so long now I have avoided being in any photos and, if I am forced to be in one, I do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

What I see when I look at those photographs is a fat, out-of-shape, ugly person. What I see when I look in the mirror is a young woman who's on the heavy side but is pretty cute. So, who's telling the truth? The camera or the mirror?

Or, do I have some sort of internal mechanism that "taints" my view of myself in the mirror so that I will actually step out in public every day? Maybe I've built up some sort of defense mechanism for the mirror because I have to use it every day?

Then, to add insult to injury, I decided to flip through the latest Victoria's Secret swimsuit catalog. I design clothing and accessories, so I told myself that I was doing it for research - what's in, hot colors, etc. But, after I finished flipping I only had a couple of new ideas but a whole lot more depression.

Before I knew it, I wanted to EAT and I wanted to CRY. I didn't eat. Instead I made Vince and Jake get dressed and we all went bowling. (I stink at bowling, by the way. Jake beat us all!). I thought that getting some activity in would help lift my spirits. It did, for a little while.

When we returned home I was once again faced with the shambles of my house. It's such a mess and will be for a while until all the repairs are done from the fire. I don't have a super fancy house, but I like it to be clean and organized. When you have a table saw and air compressor in your living room and sheetrock in your bedroom, it's not clean OR organized. I was standing there thinking "I don't see myself correctly and this is not my house, who in the heck am I?"

I decided to take charge because I knew I had to get out of the funk I was in or else I'd be heading for the ice cream. The first thing I did was toss the Victoria's Secret catalog in the trash. Well, Vince went to take out the trash, noticed the magazine, and said, "Hey, I haven't had a chance to look at this yet." I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. Vince was dumbfounded. Lately he's had this confident, energetic wife who's been fixing her hair, wearing more makeup and dressing nicer that's suddenly turned into a blithering idiot. I would have felt sorry for him if I weren't upsent about him wanting to look at the magazine.

Okay, guys, before you blast me . . . I know it doesn't mean anything when you look at stuff like that . . . or . . . to state it another way . . . you guys think it doesn't mean anything, and maybe it doesn't - to you.

But, for some women, it does mean something to them. For me, when I look at a magazine like that I see a body type that I will NEVER be. I'm not 6 foot tall and under 125 lbs, and I will never be that because I haven't figured out a way to grow another 8 inches. I know that about myself and I'm okay with it, but it hurts when the hubby shows an interest in shapes like that. It makes me feel like I will never be able to make him happy.

I realize I am being incredibly shallow here, but this is all part of why I'm as heavy as I am and how I am wired. If I don't talk about it, I can't deal with it, right?

Of course, Vince and I are fine. He hugged me, told me he was very proud of me and was in this with me for the jouney. He realizes I will have up and down days as I deal with my weight and the deep emotional issues that are the cause of the weight. He said that I can lean on him when I just don't have the strength. Of course, that made me cry more! LOL!

So, what's the point of the post? I'm not really sure it has one. As I've been going through all of this emotional stuff and watching the scale drop, I'm being forced to see myself in a new way. I like some of the things I see and I don't like some of the other things I see. I'm not yet really sure what to do about the things I don't like, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I do know that I don't like my appearance and that IS something I am working on and IS something that I'm making great progress on.

In the meantime, I've decided to only take 3 more sets of pictures. I have the ones when I began and I'll take a set at 24 lbs lost, 48.5 lbs lost, 72.5 lbs lost and at 96.5 lbs lost (goal). Maybe the difference of 24 lbs will be more noticable than the ones I took yesterday.

Here's to a better day.

With friendship,

Care'